However, I wonder if I'm making it worse by interacting with STBXWW too much. It's not a lot of interaction, but lately (maybe because I've been feeling lonely) I've chatted with her a bit over text, or stayed over for a few minutes when I dropped off our daughter. Things have been friendly and drama-free, but I wonder if I'm just making it worse for myself by engaging with her at all. Again, not that she's doing anything 'bad' right now.. I just wonder if it would be better for me to back off.
Emotions are so powerful. She was my best friend through so much stuff (a lot of it bad, but I didn't associate the bad stuff with her; we helped each other through it, I thought...). Logically I can tell myself that I should stick to business even if she's being nice, ESPECIALLY with a divorce very close to being finalized (the divorce is going well--if I keep my mouth shut, there's not much risk, but who knows what could happen if I engage with her).
It was easy to not talk to her when I was upset at her and felt abandoned by her, but now the warm feelings are coming back and it's not easy.
I also think I was feeling a little isolated even when I was doing well, it just wasn't at the front of my mind.. I mostly felt peaceful, like I was regrouping or something.
Maybe I'm just typing some of this stuff out for myself, because it does sound a little silly (of course I shouldn't be talking to her, right?), but if anyone wants to give me their thoughts that's cool too.
ETA: Also let me know if this belongs in divorce/separation, but I feel like it's a legitimate NB topic.. it'll be a potential issue for a long time.
[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 10:30 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]
Yes. Yes it is. You are now harming yourself.
Detach friend. It's the only way to move on.
From my stand point, all the emotional energy I invested in that relationship was wasted. There was NO possibility of R and sometimes I would find myself in the same position as my kids.
Detach and move on. As little contact as possible.
I have the problem that my WS wants to be friends with me, and actively pursues a "friendship" with me. He thinks I'm ridiculous for NOT wanting friends.
It IS confusing. When our S was recent, probably the first year, if we spent time together...I later went into a "dark place". One of my friends pointed it out to me that whenever I spent time with him (for a family function or something), I slid backwards. So, I learned to keep my boundaries very tight with him.
I'm doing my best to be "civil" with WS, but NOT friends. It is best for ME. It is a struggle sometimes, because WS admitted to wanting a friendship with me, and, as usual....pushes me.
You will notice a pattern, your mood changes if you spend too much time with her. YOU have to change that and protect your own boundaries. No one else is going to protect your boundaries for you.
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
Go NC, and don't feel bad about it. Down the road when you are fully healed and have moved on you might have a more "normal" working relationship. But I wouldn't ever get to personal with her. My xWW and I coparent very well and are on good terms, but it's business. The marriage is over, now you need to focus on your self and your kids.
My D was final recently and since NC I can tell you that I feel not just like my old self again but in a lot of ways better. I still have a lot to learn about being a single Dad but without the emotional strain of xWW I know look forward to my new life.
Once I was comfortable without any contact at all I became peaceful with myself... The detachment became almost effortless...
NC=detachment=no new hurts...
I truly believe NC = no new hurts. I tell myself this over and over every time I find myself wanting to hear his voice.
Limbo 1 month
False R 2 months.
Status: Divorce on hold
Definitely don't need to send her a text saying "DD did really well in school today!" or the like. I can record the info in case she asks for it, and we can discuss it during meetings. And she can talk about it directly with DD.
I think it's more me craving the contact even to the extent that his voice felt comforting. But, I felt like crap like I was the one expecting the contact. Now even if he texts I feel like crap if he doesn't ask me how I'm doing or anything.
I think he only wants to keep contact so he can feel like he's not such a bad guy. I got news for him.
I too know in my heart I'm more stable when I don't have contact, though I go from missing him badly to being really angry at both of them. Little things throw me in the dark place too like a mutual friend of ours said he ran into XWH and OW out at dinner. I acted fine on the phone but when I hung up it made me weep knowing he was out doing the things we used to do together. I know NC is better but still have a hard time believing that is my life now. Wishing you peace.
If the grass is greener on the other side....water your own lawn.
Jung used the term "defeat of the ego" quite a lot when speaking of grief and depression, which I see as something that would lead to validation seeking. (In my case, I think my WS became very depressed and desperate, found someone who inflated her ego, and found this to be so precious she would or could not let go, even knowing the consequences to her.)
On the BS side: I think when you become vulnerable to someone and trust them to the point where they can shred your ego to bits (and then want validation in return?)... then you are vulnerable, literally. You can't both be vulnerable and fully protect yourself. You can be cautious about who you trust, I suppose.
Who knew this stuff was so deadly serious? I guess the risk of suffering is the price we pay for attachment. I still feel like it's worth it.
But not with someone who is so careless and who lacks remorse. Life is too short.
Fortunately she leaves me alone when I don't talk to her and she doesn't try to get money from me and is not asking for spousal maintenance. Also is fine with me being the primary custodial parent as long as she gets to see our daughter at least occasionally.
So yeah, I wouldn't say she's my friend.