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Newest Member: jm2014 (44737)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Talking to stbxww emotionally harmful?
simpleguy78
♂ Member
Member # 25753
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

try 2 avoid it.it can be hard.i've caved myself.i think it just sets you back a little from truly moving on.


If i can do it anyone can .My hpd wife was my only friend for 13 years....don't let the fear of being alone ruin your life....people will come ray

Posts: 77 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: memphis,TN
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I've been back to keeping to myself for a couple days (or a few? i've lost track). I feel much calmer and all the sad scary stuff feels a lot farther away. And I've been very productive at work.

It's really the attitude--if I have to communicate with her about my daughter, say, it's not that bad, because I'm keeping it brief and going back to my life afterwards.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 819 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
fadedrainbow
♀ Member
Member # 9280
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well done,, I like your attitude
Keep up the NC, it really does work. FR


me: FBW
D-Day May 2005
divorced December 2009


Posts: 134 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: UK
ManBearDivorce
♂ Member
Member # 36258
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like someone here told me. If what you did made you feel like crap, Next time you know you should not do it again next time. I danced with my X once at a club and I will never put myself in that situation again. I was horrible for days. But some people don't know until they have hit the truth. I hope you did.

Posts: 339 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: St.Paul Minnesota
Oh the Irony
Member
Member # 12354
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think at the stage you are in now, you do need very strict boundaries. I don't totally agree that you need No Contact though when you have a child. No kid, yes total no contact. Kid, it depends upon what you want the situation to look like a few years down the road.

It does change over time. I'm almost 7 years out and my ex and I are quite friendly now and I'm very comfortable with it. And it's great for the kids to see how we get along, work together for them, etc.

I do agree too much friendliness in the beginning is confusing with a child that age.

I don't think a minute or two of chit-chat at pick-up is a horrible thing though. You probably don't want to do family dinners or anything!

I have always been somewhat open about talking about my kids with him--I want to know special things that happen at his house, so I've shared special moments that happen at my house.

Be careful, but do think about what you want co-parenting to look like a few years down the road.


Two gorgeous boys, 14 and 8.
D-day Sept. 15, 2006.
Me, BS 43
Him, WS 50
Her, OG (Guess she is 27 or 28 now! 19-21 at the time...)
Separated. Divorcing. Happily working on myself.

Posts: 735 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: thankful for truth
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Irony, that's good advice. I have been thinking a lot about how I want things to be for DD.

I think just keeping things businesslike, like we are coworkers, is best for now. It can be friendly. Our daughter sees that we're friendly to each other, and I think that's helping her.

We also went to a joint session with a psychologist to see if there's anything we can do to help our daughter that we're not already doing, and also the psychologist is going to see her at least a couple times. Stuff like that I'm okay with. But I just don't want to be doing things I don't need to that cause my feelings to go back into 'oh everything's back to the way it was' mode.. that hurts.

(Edit was: yeesh, I accidentally put my daughter's name in for a second towards the top..took it out.)

[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 11:53 PM, April 27th (Saturday)]


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 819 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
Safeguard
♀ Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am dealing with the same thing here. I also noticed I talked to the ex more when I was feeling isolated and low. What I found happening though, was he was getting the impression that I was opening up to him and possibly willing to R. Ummm. NO.

It also made me backslide from firm boundaries, and everyone wound up confused.

I couldn't move forward in my life with him in it, in any way, other than co parent.

I don't want to share my life, How I spend my time, plans for my future,ect.. with him. That led to very controlled conversations, that I felt I had to censor what I said. It was awkward, and I know he does it too, but he is used to "withholding information", lol. (Lying!)

Sheese. I need to make a new best friend! :)

[This message edited by Safeguard at 5:32 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't talk/see my XH because it takes a toll on me also. Just hearing about stuff from my children hurts me also.

I finally turned a page when I made the decision that XH NEVER gets to see me. I don't even go outside when the children are picked up. We communicate by email.

Maybe later we can chit chat, but it was hurting me SO SO SO bad.

C=hurts
NC=no new hurts.

Thank God you got custody of your child!!!!!


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2067 | Registered: Jan 2012
Oh the Irony
Member
Member # 12354
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be gentle with yourself because it is a process.

I thought at first that we could go do something together as a family. Like attend something and have a meal together. NO. PAIN. I realized he deserved nothing of MY emotional life and it got much better. Businesslike and about our kids. Me giving him good information about the kids also meant that I got good information about the kids--but some people won't be so fortunate. Some people are dealing with SUCH nasty people that no matter how civil they are the situation can't be helped.

So you do have to feel your own way. My mantra for years was "kids and finances".

Now I could go sit down in a restaurant and share a meal with the four of us--no big deal at all. He might irritate me sometimes, but I'm sure he would do it a lot more if we were together!!

I'm happy with my life and that helps a great deal.


Two gorgeous boys, 14 and 8.
D-day Sept. 15, 2006.
Me, BS 43
Him, WS 50
Her, OG (Guess she is 27 or 28 now! 19-21 at the time...)
Separated. Divorcing. Happily working on myself.

Posts: 735 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: thankful for truth
Topic Posts: 29
Pages: 1 · 2

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