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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I actually felt somewhat normal
phoenix54
♂ Member
Member # 36574
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coming up on one year from d-day. My wife and I are taking a trip this coming weekend - 3 nights, just us, no kids. Things are still very up and down. I know trips don't "fix" anything but I'm looking forward to the time away.

Yesterday, we celebrated one of my kids' First Communion. It was a really nice day. And the party afterward was a lot of fun. Surrounded by friends, family and food.

I ate a lot, laughed a lot, sang a lot (too much wine probably). It looked like everyone was having a good time and my kids really enjoyed it.

I commented to a close friend who knows our situation well that for the first time in a long time, I actually felt somewhat "normal".

It was a great feeling. A feeling I wish I could have more often. Maybe it's just that enough time has elapsed since d-day or perhaps it's because I'm gaining some perspective.

I wanted the feeling to last but when everyone had left, a sadness entered my heart. A sadness realizing that none of this ever had to happen. Or maybe it did "need" to happen. Because maybe I would have never woken up to the reality of where my life was going. Mired in anxiety and depression and putting my health at risk by being overweight pre d-day. An awakening of sorts, I guess.

I recently heard a statement about transforming suffering into meaning. I'd like to be able to do just that. I really couldn't think about that a few months ago. Now I'm interested in figuring that out.

[This message edited by phoenix54 at 9:42 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]


BH: 45 (me)
WW: 43
11 month PA/EA
4 children
D-day: 5/4/12
Married: 17 years
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 436 | Registered: Aug 2012
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad you are coming along.

I actually ate three whole meals yesterday and was pretty proud of that


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted the feeling to last but when everyone had left, a sadness entered my heart. A sadness realizing that none of this ever had to happen. Or maybe it did "need" to happen. Because maybe I would have never woken up to the reality of where my life was going. Mired in anxiety and depression and putting my health at risk by being overweight pre d-day. An awakening of sorts, I guess.

I recently heard a statement about transforming suffering into meaning. I'd like to be able to do just that. I really couldn't think about that a few months ago. Now I'm interested in figuring that out.

^^^ I totally get that. Feel the same way. Dealing with the A has been brutal, but I would never want to go back to the pre-dday M and what it was like for me in terms of body and spirit...I was SO unhealthy in SO many ways...


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our ddays are very close, Phoenix. I know exactly what you mean. I have whole hours where I can forget about it all. Like nothing ever happened. My husband loves me. I love him. Our family is intact and everyone is happy.

Then I remember...

I'm torn also about our separation. If he had stayed, nothing would have really changed. He would be living a double-life and I would still be trying to get his attention from the stupid computer. Yelling. Feeling resentment. Jealousy. Feelings I didn't even realize that I had until he was gone. But the kids and I would not have gone through that tremendous amount of pain last summer.

Because he left, we were able to get some distance from each other. I re-evaluated what I wanted out of life. He learned that Unicorn Land is not all it's advertised to be. He grew up and matured. After our DDay 2, he has stepped up even more. I think he is now trying to be an authentic man.

Whe you try to look at it from the "if he never had the A/I never found out/we wouldn't be in pain" vs "because he had the A, now our marriage is even better, I'm a better person" viewpoints, it's enough to make a crazy person sane. It's a vicious cycle...One that I hope we never have to go thru again.

Enjoy the good times. You deserve to be happy!

[This message edited by TXBW68 at 11:12 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]


Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
struggling3
♀ Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Enjoy your time away. You should look forward to it. I think it will help you in your recovery and healing. HAVE FUN!!


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 29, 26, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 320 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
whatamess11
♀ Member
Member # 37781
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Phoenix...It sounds like you're in a healthy place. We are almost a year from d-day. And everything you said resonates with me.

Additionally, My H and I get away a lot. And it's not a "fix" that is true, but it's helpful to spend time alone, and make new memories. Also, having new friends who aren't aware of the situation is helpful as well as it gives you a break from talking about it which we all need sometimes.

Anyway, have a wonderful time this weekend. Enjoy


D-Day 7/6/12 - My A was discovered that day; he confessed of his A's the day after
Me: WS/BS
HIM: WS/BS (Cantgetworse11)
US: Madhatters
Together 20 yrs, 2 children, and trying....

Posts: 62 | Registered: Dec 2012
phoenix54
♂ Member
Member # 36574
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, although I'm not sure I feel like I'm in a healthy place.

Things have been really up and down (see some of my recent posts). I know that one day of feeling "normal" does not a recovery make.

It also doesn't mean she's doing everything she should be doing in R.

But to me it does mean that perhaps there is hope on the horizon. At least for my own recovery.

[This message edited by phoenix54 at 3:23 PM, April 22nd (Monday)]


BH: 45 (me)
WW: 43
11 month PA/EA
4 children
D-day: 5/4/12
Married: 17 years
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 436 | Registered: Aug 2012
ladya
♀ Member
Member # 29184
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you talk to your WW about your feelings? I remember looking at our family on an ordinary Sunday and just wondering. We have 5 fantastic kids, 2 grandkids and have been blessed beyond measure. I looked at our kids and wondered if he ever looked at them and realized he threw all of us away when he had his affair. When everyone was gone I asked him if he ever had those moments and he said every single day. He does look at our family differently and thanks me every single day for the second chance because of what he did to all of us.

Those moments are surreal when you look at them from that viewpoint. I think it is normal to do it though.

Just don't keep it all to yourself and keep the dialogue open.


Me:BS married 29 yrs.
5 kids

Time really does heal.
EA D-Day May 2008
PA D-Day May 7,2010 (same A)


Posts: 885 | Registered: Jul 2010
guarded
♀ Member
Member # 25364
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some may say it was a small triumph because it was a fleeting moment, but I think most of us BS's totally get it: the significance of just a few moments of normal.

Enjoy it and savor those moments. They are the recharges that sustain us.


In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

Posts: 451 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 9

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