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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Have I wussed out?
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi again honey

I have no words of wisdom but just wanted to send BIG HUGS.

As for losing it and hitting the AP. Well. Not a good move. But what is done is done. Put it out of your mind but perhaps not a good idea to do anything similar again. You don't need any more problems in your life.

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2738 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheers Laura-

I just need to hold it together and I know I'll be alright in a bit- in the short term though I'm so angry with her and I'm dying to go mad at her BUT I'm holding it and I've told her in kinder words. Just hurts me so much and I want to say things to hurt her but I can already see she's fucking wounded you get me?

I don't plan on doing it again- didn't feel as good as I thought it would. The fella looked a bit pathetic to be truthful mate- I felt better the day after I did nothing!!!

EURGH!!!!!!! Make today go quickly!!?!!


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey you will be OK. You are a good person who has been dealt a shitty hand.

Remember that. You are a good person. Stay true to that and you will be OK.

HUGS

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2738 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop biting your tongue. I get that your WW is remorseful..and "wounded" but so are you..because of her actions.

Im not saying you should scream at her for hours. But if you are mad,express that to her. If you are sad,tell her. Stop stuffing your feelings. They will come out,one way or another(like hitting OM). Stuffing them only makes it worse for you..and your WW. She NEEDS to hear your pain and anger. She needs to know fully know how her actions have affected you. She needs to fully grasp what she has done. She needs to see it. Not because you're trying to hurt her,but because R requires full transparency by both of you(if you have a remorseful WS..if you don't..or you're not sure...then a BS shouldn't be transparent..just in case any new BS's are reading this..I don't want them to get the wrong idea). You need to be transparent with your feelings. Tell her how you feel..show her.

You are trying to rebuild your marriage..and you want it to be healthy,of course. That means you share your feelings...all of them with her. Stop protecting her. Start protecting the marriage. This marriage may survive the infidelity..but it will suffer because you are holding your feelings back.

Look at it this way..it's unfair of you not to tell your WW you are sad..or angry. It's unfair of you not to unleash your emotions on her. You are taking away an opportunity for her to reassure you and help you. She can't read your mind. And,I don't think she's weak. I've read her posts. She's a strong woman. And remorseful(if she wasn't,my advice would be different). Trust her with your emotions. She can handle it. Give her the chance to handle it.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7116 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Con615- I have expressed my feelings and we talked a lot last night- I somehow found more questions that I now wish I hadn't asked- she knows I'm angry and upset and hurt and feel embarrassed/humiliated.

I just want to vent at her all kinds of name calling- that won't help anyone- I'll just hurt her more.

I don't know what my Mrs can/can't handle. She's scared to death about us, she didn't go to IC today because she chickened out, she feels guilty, she's pregnant and that worries her it also means she isn't having her usual concoction of drinks, smokes, pills and powders. Oh yeah when I say my wife's fucked up I'm not kidding you on.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has had a lot of trauma,for someone so young. And she is scared of finally facing all of that and dealing with it,rather than put it in a box for "later." She will need alot of support from you. But you also need to be supported. And she needs to learn how to do that.

Is it alot? Yes. But it's necessary. She won't be healthy until she faces her past. She needs to go to IC.

Are you in IC?


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7116 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you should have punched him. I think you should have listened to him then told him the kid wasn't his then told him never to bother you or your wife again.

I think that would be more of a man than hitting him. I know your angry. You have a right to be. But I don't think resorting to violence quickly is a sign of a mature person. I think you look like more of a man when you don't need to do that.

Of course, if he persists after you spoke to him, it may be more than a reasonable man can put up with.

You have a wife who is pregnant with your child. She is the mother of your children. She came to you and told you of the ONSs. You didn't discover them.

She came to her senses on her own and was honest with you. She is trying to do the right thing.

As hard as it may be, I think you are more of a man if you step back, and try to be strong. Don't call her names. Don't get in fights. Rely on your inner strength.

It wouldn't hurt if you laid off the pubs for a while either. It sounds like your English or Australian, so I realize it's part of your culture. But laying off a bit would help.

Severe pain, coupled with alcohol, is a recipe for disaster.

You have a young family. If she is trying to be faithful and hasn't continued her mistaken path, I'd treat that family like it was gold and guard it with my life.

that's just my opinion. I wish you the best.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 510 | Registered: Mar 2013
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew she wasn't going to go to IC I heard her having a disagreement with her mate over it- last night was just the final straw. I know I wasn't happy about her going at first but that was bullshit and I know now she has to go. She ain't going to be facing "that" stuff any time soon though- I'm not being a tool when I say, I don't think she should- it's because I love her.

I'm not in counselling and I don't think I need to- when I want to talk about something I do and I can deal with shit with the help of my friends and family- and SI of course!! I had a bout of counselling after her brother died and just talking/crying helped a lot.

Mike- I don't drink much mate it's very very rare that I get drunk- Xmas birthdays!! I'm a London boy so I talk a lot and not much goes down!! I know all of her good points- I swear to you she is still the most amazing and beautiful girl in the world and I know she told me and that means the world to me.

-I think hitting him was defo immature- I just thought I'd feel better- feel worse today. I now know he was going to say sorry to me and that he'd keep away- I reacted too quickly. I'm an idiot mate but trust me I do protect my family- my Mrs and my kids are my life. Cheers for that- I'm here for opinions/advice.

Edited to say- I also found out he was the lucky one because he offered her some pills- so there they were off their faces having a go in a pub toilet. fucking brilliant.

For the record- I do NOT do drugs. I like a couple of pints of lager and that's it.

[This message edited by idiot85 at 8:07 AM, April 29th (Monday)]


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you considered going to a different pub? Like, one where OM doesn't hang out? This all sounds like drama that could have been avoided.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7683 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm an artist, so is my wife so we usually go around the 'arty' pubs- in the area we live there isn't a massive selection of local pubs.

You're right though- it could be avoided if I change my life but- why should I? To stop all the grief? I'll then be in some new place thinking about why I'm not where I want to be. If you get me? I'm not dismissing your opinion I know what you're saying.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Topic Posts: 30
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