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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Always on the hurting end
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dismantled

Read: "Rebuilding"

Love the O's...all the way back to the Brooks Robinson days.

Had the biggest crush on Doug DeCinces.

Yes, I am dating myself.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21072 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We shall see... obviously, I'm no Ozzie, so hopefully he knows what he's doing

I just don't like change! Wanted my team to stay EXACTLY the same.

I am enjoying Jacoby on DWTS though! Love him


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm about to start crying again... it just creeps up on me.

Maybe I need to go outside and take a little walk. I kinda want to throw this phone through the wall.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I need to go outside and take a little walk.

Yup.

Get your arse out there.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21072 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forsee a bad weekend ahead. It is supposed to be nice here, and I am definitely a sun lover/worshipper. I need to maybe go get a book and sit outside and read... or SOMETHING. Bunt leaves to go with his dad for 5 days starting tomorrow morning.

HE... has his daughter. Until Sunday. That doesn't always mean silence, but chances are, if I don't hear from him before Sunday - that will be when. I always think I've heard the last of him, but when I've been able to keep the NC, I will hear from him within 48 hours. Last week, he was quiet for four days, but I was texting...

I think if I can get from now to Sunday - I will be ok. God, I'm really pathetic...


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not pathetic. Normal.

STOP labeling yourself!

One Day At A Time.

You can do this!


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21072 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
TrulyReconciled
♂ Member
Member # 3031
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know we love you, right??

But ...


"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 21306 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks... those last two posts were very kind of both of you... don't make me cry again!!!

I went out and took a nice little walk with my pup. Back in office now, and it's the countdown to the end of the workday for me, then I will go get my boy and re-try our grilling out and baseball evening... last night was an epic fail - dog ate the ground beef and kid clocked himself in the nose throwing the ball up in the air while waiting for me to get outside. We ended up with spaghetti O's and a swollen, bloody nose. and wine. Mommy had wine - then Duck Dynasty

I know this is a little typical, but I know his schedule. He works 2-10:30. Now that it's past 2:00 - I am no longer even *hoping* for contact.

I also deleted everything out of my phone--- again. Unfortunately I have his number memorized... but not being able to go in and re-read everything helps keep it out of my mind too.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Snorts:

Dog eating meat.

Duck Dynasty.


Poor Bunt's widdle nose.


Baby steps on the deletion.

Don't worry. You've got your village behind you.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21072 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. Ya know what just baffles me about myself... and I think I said this in my very first post...

I don't get how I can be so strong about other areas in my life and get through tough things, like boom... methodically. Then when it comes to this, I turn into this weak ass person. Frustrating.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This guy is your Kryptonite. That's why....


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17559 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kryptonite... crack (addiction)

Wonder what I am to him (really in his mind)


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're probably nothing to him. A toy. A distraction.

Seriously, that's the whole point of the dom-sub relationship - you don't matter to him. The relationship dynamic is what he gets off on, not you.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like - if you know someone has feelings for you and you don't share them, stop playing games that hurt them, and leave them alone.

Well you know how he feels, yet you keep hurting yourself.

Yes, I like giving the power away - this is the only part of my life that I can... and I love it. I've never experienced anything like this, and damn... I need it. He knows this. He knows that I am dependent on him for the attention, praise... all of my needs in this area of my life.

Why can’t let go of the control in the other areas? Why does he have to be the one and only to fill these needs?

Mostly my life is pretty damn boring these days, some of what's gotten me down... I really have nuthin going on... but this... and *this* is bothering me, yes... but it's only a small part of the big picture of my life.

It seems this is the area that needs the attention. You are compartmentalizing everything, neglecting one area and expecting to get your needs met in another. You need balance. You need to spread it out. One person or situation can’t fill all your expectations. Would you only have one friend? One hobby? Would you expect one food to meet all your nutritional needs?

It is draining to be 100% responsible for your lot in life all the time. I get that. But if you let up a bit everywhere, you will feel a lot better than if you let up completely in just one thing. Find a way to relinquish control at work, assign one task to someone else. Let your son pick your outfit once a week. Roll the dice on what you will eat for dinner. Add some healthy, harmless drama and spontaneity to your life. You feel better providing service, pleasing, and being thanked? Volunteer. Break the needs up, the core issue, not just the sexual thrill, and spread it out. Find ways to fulfill yourself that can’t be taken away in an instant.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Meaning, the communication gets thinned out more each time - so it FEELS to me like he's losing interest. The more I try to push for the way it was in the beginning, the less I get.

His text was a small attempt to keep me engaged.

all he has to do is make a the little effort I ask... And it really is small - reply to my texts. Comment when I sent you a pic that you've asked me for.

Take away the texting, and virtually nothing is left...

I can block him on my phone, but only so he cannot call or text me. I haven't done it. I don't want to. I know I SHOULD, but I don't want to yet.

Block his texts.

Get real. Engage in real give-and-take relationships.

You need 90 days of sobriety from this guy to start with.

Can you detox from your phone for 90 days, SSM?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Abby
♀ Member
Member # 5526
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you doing today, SSM? Been thinking about you!

Posts: 582 | Registered: Oct 2004
positively4thst
♀ Member
Member # 23998
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SSM,

I haven't read all the responses but I did read the first page. I have not followed your story since after EH left you. I do remember lots of members upset that you were seeking to jump into another relationship too quickly and that it seemed to be your M.O. I remember you justifying and denying "just friends" and now here you are again and don't understand how you got here. I'm sorry, I feel this sounds mean, but I don't mean it that way. I just want you to see what other people are seeing.

It sounds like you have so much to offer but I'm not sure you see that so you compulsively force yourself into another relationship and then are confused when it doesn't work out.

These Cat Stevens lyrics come to mind:

"It's not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy.
You're still young, that's your fault,
There's so much you have to know.
Find a [girl/boy], settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but I'm happy.

I was once like you are now, and I know that it's not easy,
To be calm when you've found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything you've got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not."


Posts: 1252 | Registered: May 2009
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love Cat Stevens

To update... I heard from him. I also replied. Nothing major and very sporadic all weekend. I didn't think much about him, didn't worry about my phone or checking for contact... and when it came Saturday, it was late. My roommate and I had a cookout/party, and I drank - so I *thought* I was being snarky and funny. I was but he pushed to come over, and I ignored and went to bed.

Yesterday, same thing... didn't hear from him all day and didn't care. In fact, I figured I would and hoped I wouldn't. I did about 7:00, and he wanted to come over later. I said no. He didn't like that at all. He tried again later, and I ignored.

Proud of myself for that. Still hurting a little bit, but it's winding down. There's zero effort to give me what I need, so fuck it.

Yes, I realize I could block or keep total NC, and this is like dying a slow and painful death. I know that. I'm just doing this the way I need to, though.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Success another day

and... I've had that Cat Stevens song in my head for the last 24 hours.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Success again! I'm staying away, and the further I get, the better I feel. That's gotta tell me something, right?? Still communication, but I'm not heavily effected by it, and he's tried to see me the last four nights - I've said no each time.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
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