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Newest Member: alwaysnforever (44266)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: NC notification to EA partner?
hopeful18
♀ Member
Member # 19234
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wh was in what was almost an EA. since discovering this two weeks ago he has not contacted her. She has texted him. He agreed to not speak to her and we have bed. Talking a out a no contact call or email. However he feels this will make if look like he had feelings for her. They had no sexual talk that I know of. So what do you think. He will probably bump into her at the gym etc. does a no contact email make it look like more than it was? Should he call or email if he does and what does he say to end something that seemed like a friendship. I have mc tomorrow

Posts: 227 | Registered: Apr 2008
Uneek
♀ Member
Member # 38416
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We didn't do a formal NC either. He just quit talking to her. As far as I can tell, she hasn't tried to contact him, though I know he has seen her a couple of times because she had reason to be at his place of employment.

Of course, I also called and confronted her about the inappropriate "friendship" - which H insists was a one sided EA - so she probably got the idea that something was going down. Or maybe she got the idea when H told her he wanted to sleep with her and she told him that he needed to talk to me because clearly there were problems in the marriage.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I have decided to devote more time to my wife,and my marriage. I do not have any time for any new friendships. Please respect this,and do not contact me again."


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7136 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is he doing when she texts him? Ignoring?

I think a reply next time with what confused said is a good idea.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36620 | Registered: Sep 2007
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine did not have a NC letter per se either, but a conversation, that I also listened to, did occur.

My WH also insisted that a NC letter would look weird since their was never any talk of feelings, anything sexual, nothing about us and he says nothing about them. He said it was a friendship that had crossed lines because they were communicating too much. 99% which was about business but the rest these kind of nonsense banter. He calls it a slippery slope.

He had a talk with her and told her that their relationship had gotten too casual, he was uncomfortable with it and he wanted it to go back to being about business only. You could tell she was taken aback and apologized if she had offended him in any way.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1414 | Registered: Jun 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Relationships can violate boundaries and be unhealthy without being As. It's just that I can't think of an easy-to-type word for them. 'Almost EA' seems like a pretty good choice....

Another vote for confused's statement, or something similar in your H's words.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:37 PM, April 22nd (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9757 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
circe
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH also insisted that a NC letter would look weird since their was never any talk of feelings, anything sexual, nothing about us and he says nothing about them. He said it was a friendship that had crossed lines because they were communicating too much. 99% which was about business but the rest these kind of nonsense banter. He calls it a slippery slope.

This was exactly my situation (I was the WS) when I first came to SI. I call it an EA.

The reason I don't pick nits about EA vs "almost" EA is because allowing a friendship to point in that direction or take up more of your time than your marriage should have to share - especially when you don't notice that's where it started going - is a clear sign that boundaries need to be re-examined, defined and strengthened. And the WS, or almost-WS, has to look squarely at themselves and pin point the place that the boundaries should be, and why they were not in place when the slippery slope was on the horizon.

Because we always say, and I believe, that it's not the action of the A but the motivation inside the WS, or the lack of boundaries within the WS. You can't ever fix an A, but the WS can do their best to fix what was happening on the inside that led to their choices. If you and WS have identified that he's one step toward the slippery slope, then nipping in the bud right here - but properly, definitively - and working on his boundaries means a ton.

I only say all this because it makes the NC notification really important, IMO. Who cares what she thinks. Seriously - leave her potential thoughts out of it, because they don't matter. This is your marriage. This is your WH's boundaries and responsibility to himself and your marriage. Her thoughts, impressions, feelings, what have you - irrelevant. IMO he should go through the process of standing up for himself, his boundaries and your marriage. You will benefit, he will, your marriage will. If it's slightly embarrassing or hurts his ego - just some additional negative reinforcement. This direction is bad, and holding the marriage sacred is good.

However of course it shouldn't be anything dramatic. Just that he's not comfortable with the amount of contact they have, he is married, the contact will cease, bye.

[This message edited by circe at 7:54 PM, April 22nd (Monday)]


Posts: 3183 | Registered: Mar 2005
mamak
♀ Member
Member # 35969
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading your message made me wonder for a moment if our OW moved onto another man!!

My WH stopped talking to OW cold turkey. She emailed him once a week for a month.

We debated an NC letter with our MC for a week. It was a huge argument between us and I had given her til the end of the month to stop contacting him; if she didn't stop (despite being ignored) at the end of the month then she would get the NC letter.

It never came to that. I think she got the hint when we changed numbers, blocked her on his email, deleted his other email and his facebook.


Me - 37, Him - 34
Married - 12 years
Three kiddos (oldest is mine) - 9, 11,13
DDay #1 - 4/21/2012, Discovered 3 mo. EA (texts, phone calls, nude pics, sexting, 1 kiss)
R - 4/24/12. R going well

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jun 2012
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say, the next time she texts...have him text, "Leave me alone. I am not interested in having a friendship with you." Straightforward and simple. If he is committed to you and not "in a fog", he will have no problem blowing her off.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 918 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 9

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