Take some time reading here on SI. My insight: him wanting to marry you is not a healthy response to his cheating. I wish I would have known about my husband's cheating before we were married (he has cheated off and on throughout our entire relationship). I wouldn't have married him...and now we have two beautiful kids, a home, cars...so much to lose.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
So sorry you had to come here, but know that you are in good company.
Your story is an all too familiar one. You are stable, emotionally developed, and have your shit together. Yet, you are partnered up with someone who is very clearly dysfunctional and who doesn't respect you or treat you the way you need to be treated (like a "queen", you said).
My #1 bit of advice would be this: absolutely do NOT marry him. At least now, and not for a long time. If he is truly serious about you and about your relationship, he will work on his issues and give you time (years!) to reconcile with him. Otherwise, he is just playing games by wanting to marry you after totally violating you, betraying you, and traumatizing you. That is the absolute LAST thing that should even been on your mind.
It's fortunate (for you), that you aren't married to him, have children, etc., as it makes cutting ties with this guy MUCH easier.
That being said, whatever choice you make, know that you can always come here to vent/ask for advice/process/etc. Sadly, we've all "been there", and can relate in one way or another.
you've found the most wonderful place of all the places you never wanted to be. the folks here care so much, it's so genuine. on that note, i think pretty much every mid- to old-timer on these boards is going to tell you the same thing -
it's not because we are jaded. it's because we have almost 40,000 different experiences documented by people who have come here. among these almost 40,000 stories, the resounding actions, themes and outcomes are frightfully similar. there is a way to get through this with a mate or spouse...but only after it tears you both to the bones and forces you to piece yourselves back together, shred by painful shred.
read on in here. read the R forum. ask questions there. see if you think your BF has anything like what it takes to be a reformed and honorable man.
my guess is you are dodging a selfish man-child. my guess is you will see it more clearly one day...relatively soon. sometimes the hardest part of this is truly seeing them for who they are, simply because it's embarrassing to have been so blind. it is and has been embarrassing for me and many others here.
welcome...stay until you find your answers, even if it takes a while, even if you don't like them all.
[This message edited by stretch13 at 1:29 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
Like the others said, you deserve much better.
You deserve better. Go find better. Don't settle!
BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad
My advice is start the 180 and see how you fare with it, empower yourself. Don't make any decisions right now.
marriage is hard enough. it's highs are awesome, and the purity of the connection you build at the beginning is what feeds strength to your M in life's less elegant moments. the bond of "impenetrable us" is really what makes Ms last and be happy.
you are way too young to sign up for this kind of grinding work. it can be worth it when you have many years invested, kids, a lifetime of memories...if you marry him now (or in the next, say, 3 years), all of your newlywed years will be tainted. and he will not magically change himself. please know that.
i hope you are doing ok today. check in with us if you can. it's ok if you aren't ready to decide anything. just breathe for now.
"I have to tell you something, the other day I received a sexual favor from someone else"
really bothers me. Sounds like he got a gift in the mail and didn't know what it was 'til he opened it... (minimizing) And "the other day" doesn't jive with the period of detachment you sensed before. If you should end up leaning toward R, I'd get details right up front. Was the "someone else" male or female? How did it come about?
He has made some changes these past 2 weeks but I still don't know if I can handle being in a relationship where I have to wonder if hell do it again. I just want this to go away.
I want you to understand that I am not trying to minimize the hurt you feel right now. Infidelity sucks no matter where you are in life or in your relationship.
My advice to you is get out while you can!!! You don't have kids (I'm assuming), you have a good career, you're 24. You have your whole life in front of you!
Please, please, please get out now. I was married at 21 to an immature ass and he didn't grow up until he was 27.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering when this is going to happen again? Always questioning, always paranoid?
It hurts, and it's going to hurt for awhile. But just be grateful that you found out who he really is now.
One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz
you are too young. that's the bottom line. it's too hard to start this way.
Do not feel obligated to make any decision right now.
Tell him you need your space and make him truly reflect on what it is he did and make himself figure out WHY he did it.
It is not a passe thing to cheat. It is a concious decision. If it is brushed off like it is no big deal then guess what? It will be no big deal and he will most likely be tempted again at some point.
Read the 180. Make plans without him this weekend and clear your head.
Again you don't have to make any decision right now other than allowing yourself time to figure out what is right for you.
Remember - people can change but they have to WANT to - sorry doesn't fix this one.
Don't settle. You deserve more out of life and love.