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User Topic: Counsellor's route
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, in my third IC session I've been given a load of stuff on PTSD and in the next session she wants to specifically 'explore' emotional numbing.

I honestly can't see that this is going to help anyone and what has that got to do with me betraying my husband? I don't know, it just seems a bit far-fetched to me.

I'm not emotinally numb. In an argument yes I might zone out but that's because I'm not confrontational. I do feel things and I do empathise.

I know i need to do this because I want all this healed ASAP but I don't want to waste time on rubbish.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 8:15 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you able to identify how you feel about things?

I sat through many IC sessions and "felt" that I was in ti uch with my own emotions, but whenever I was asked how something made me feel, I couldn't identify what it was that I felt. Sort of like I could feel thnigs about and for others, but I couldn't feel it for myself. I still struggle with this.

When you zone during arguments, you are internalizing the fear that is lpart of the reason you don't like confrontation. Fear is at the root of so many problems. I would take a chance at this route.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you only identify with the "surface" emotions? That's what my FWH did. He could say he was sad or mad or happy but nothing deeper than that. Never hurt or vulnerable or excited. He could tell if I was mad or sad, but again, nothing deeper than that and not always the real reasons behind the emotions. It's helped us a lot.

Also, just a quick note, please be careful with this thinking....

I want all this healed ASAP but I don't want to waste time on rubbish.

This isn't a fast process. It takes a lot of time and sometimes that does mean going down a different path.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 2021 | Registered: Sep 2011
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not trying to be awkward but I don't think I have PTSD and I don't think I'm emotionally numb. My friends will often ask me advice or come in for a hug. I'm affectionate, I don't wake up in the night with cold sweats.

I don't see the point in reacting to shouting or arguing. I don't feel scared, I just don't see the point. They always turn into rhetorical questions anyway.

I don't know what she means by 'how do you feel'- how are you supposed to articulate a feeling? When she asks I just say 'happy', 'sad' etc. I'm unsure of the right answer to be honest.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KeepCalm, I don't know I'm just not very deep I guess. I feel like I'm going along blindly, the more I read about PTSD the more I don't think I have it.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know much about PTSD, so I can't really comment on that.

But as for the surface emotions, it's very much what my FWH did/used. He never really got to the heart of things so nothing ever got solved. Sad is a good "starter" emotion, but as our MC would say, what's behind that? Fear? Vulnerability? Always keep digging.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 2021 | Registered: Sep 2011
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I doubt I'd ever be able to answer that. I don't even understand to be truthful... She tried that and we didn't get anywhere.

What if that's just it, just 'sad' and nothing else?


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep digging. It's why you're in IC. It's part of the healing. But you also have to be open and receptive to there being more.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 2021 | Registered: Sep 2011
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see the point in reacting to shouting or arguing.

Why did you bring this up specifically? Is this the only time you freeze? And when did you learn that responding to shouting and arguing got you nowhere?


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10168 | Registered: Feb 2004
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Veritas, I think because it's the only time I'll zone out. If a conversation gets tricky I know I drift away and nod along because I don't want the hassle of conflict or I freeze because I can't think what to say or get nervous of the answer.

I don't know, it doesn't feel like it's something learned as such.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep digging. It's why you're in IC. It's part of the healing. But you also have to be open and receptive to there being more.

I agree with this. You have to dig, and explore. When I started IC I wanted to fix things quickly, find all the answers, I went in with list to go over thinking if I just laid all my questions out, IC could answer them.

It's a process, and takes time. the way to the bottom, for me at least, has been a winding road.

Have you told your IC that you don't think you suffer from PTSD? Do you feel safe enough to speak up in IC?

If a conversation gets tricky I know I drift away and nod along because I don't want the hassle of conflict or I freeze because I can't think what to say or get nervous of the answer.

I think exploring this in IC is a great start.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know, it doesn't feel like it's something learned as such.
Conflict avoidance is a learned behavior. It came from somewhere. Keep digging.


FWW - 41
Fawk you.....pay me!

Posts: 5908 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I told her I don't think I have it and she said thats OK, it will do no harm exploring. I'm not going to drudge up the past if that's what she's thinking. This is what puts me off in the first place, I'd rather she looked at what's happening now.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not going to drudge up the past if that's what she's thinking.

and

This is what puts me off in the first place, I'd rather she looked at what's happening now.

are related though. My IC put it this way. If we don't look at our past and figure out the route causes of why we act the way we do now, we are destined to repeat the behaviors (or something like that).

IMO, it is important to look at the past, not to blame anyone else, or to try to avoid responsibility, but to understand ourselves.

What is happening now did not happen in a vacuum. It was formed by choices and things that happened in our past. things that formed our unhealthy coping skills that allow to do the things we do in the present.

Does that make sense?


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

badchoice is correct. Sienna, why don't you want to revisit the past? I'm not saying you need to live there, but when doing this kind of work, a lengthy visit is required.


FWW - 41
Fawk you.....pay me!

Posts: 5908 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sienna,

I was just like you. I had walked into ever counselor's office and told them I wanted to work on things, but we weren't not going to discuss my past. And so we didn't. My last IC I said the same thing. I was with her a year before we started dealing with my childhood. I had to get to that level of trust before I could deal with it. Turned out that my past had a very real bearing on my present and my present was not getting any better until dealing with what had happened in my past.

You don't have to deal with your past, no one can make you. But your present won't get better. You can't understand what you are doing now without understanding yourself, what has happened to you, what has formed some of these roadblocks. You put them there, and only you can take them down. You need to understand the reasons you put them up in the first place. I know that sounds very upsetting to you. So don't look at doing it right now, just take it one session at a time.

[This message edited by tired girl at 12:07 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4864 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
FR2012
♀ Member
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not going to drudge up the past

You know when I first went into counselling, I thought the same way. I didn't want to talk about anything that went on in the past. I didn't want to think about it.

There are a lot of bad things that happened to me when I was a kid. I was raped. Something like that will fuck with your mind and how your grow up.

But you need to talk about the past. You can't just talk about what is going on now. You need to address what has happened in past events to better understand how you have grown up. To better understand how you think.

Honestly, you don't want to talk about anything that has happened to you in the past because you don't want to think about the bad things. You want to just think about the now. But you can't.

It is going to be something that is extremely hard to do, but you have to do it.


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your advice.

I don't think bringing up my past will help. I'm so sorry FR2012, nothing has happened to me though.

I can't help but think how much I swallowed down, it took way too much effort to just bring it back up. Nothing happened to me, I just saw a couple of upsetting things. I was fine, i swallowed it and I don't mind glossing over but counsellors don't realise that I have nothing more to say on it. People make too much of a big deal about it.

Even my Mum says it could be a can of worms- i have 2 kids and 1 on the way, it would be the last thing we all needed.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 12:32 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People make too much of a big deal about it.

Even my Mum says it could be a can of worms

That's very contradictory.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10168 | Registered: Feb 2004
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry veritas,

I went through a couple of very upsetting events and I decided to be strong, possibly a bit too strong admittedly. I didn't grieve properly, I'm not a counsellor but I can see that. I don't think it relates to this though so I don't want a counsellor acting like it's he cause. My mum doesn't want me to suddenly break down, I'm a Mother myself.

I hope that explains it, I'm sorry if it was confusing


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 59
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