SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This might be long so I will say sorry in advance.

My previous post detailed my findings of a packet of sanitary towels in his room and also a few days later found a females scarf there. We had an argument about the towels and his story really didn't add up. I have since discovered he was lying about that night. He told me initially that he coudn't remember what night his 2 female friends slept over. I uncovered it and it was the Friday before last, the night he didn't text me at all. When I asked him if he was ok the next day he told me he had worked an 18hr shift and was just tired from work.

He then said that it was that night and he was laying in bed and couldn't sleep so his mate asked him to go out and it was then he bumped into his 2 female friends and said they could stay at his. I still didn't buy it and done some more digging and found out that in fact that night was arranged with them. I confronted him again last night and he told me that they had asked him.

Also last night I confronted him about the scarf. This incident happened the following Thursday. I text him that night to ask if he wanted me to go over and watch a movie. He told me he would be too tired from work. I found out through his flatmate that he had another female friend over that particular night and they had drinks and watched a movie.

I have mentioned in my previous post that my mother is ill with cancer and is currently having treatment. I hadn't told him, but I went there last night to talk, hoping we could both be open and honest. I knew I wouldn't be able to get the words out regarding my mother so I wrote him a short letter and handed it to him. He didn't say anything but after about a minute grabbed me and hugged me. Of course I started crying and he said of course you can talk to me. He asked me if I wanted to put some pajamas on but I declined. I was very upset and was for some time. He did convince me to get into some pajamas and looked like I was going to sleep there.

I think he thought that was the end of it but then I had to confront him about the scarf and what I knew about that female friend coming over on Thursday night and also the fact that I knew his outing with those two girls on the Friday was planned and he had blatantly lied. I also asked him why he wouldn't say he was in a relationship status on Facebook. I asked all this as calmly as I could but he still got defensive about it all.

His answers...

Basically he lied and hid things because his exes got jealous about stuff and he didn't want the hassle. Accused me of being boring and not wanting to go out, when I am always asking him to go out. I asked why he didn't even bother inviting me to any of these things and he said I would put a dampner on it. Told me the sex was boring (more on that later) and that I obviously care about him more than he does about me and that his feelings pretty much haven't changed for me since he met me as in hasn't developed. I was gobsmacked to say the least and too stunned to cry. His answer to Facebook was that he didn't want people knowing his business. He also told me that if he had done something that he would tell me as heartlessly as possible. I questioned it and he said well not to beat around the bush. It kinda seemed like he was trying to hurt me as much as he could.

At this point I wanted to stay there now to try to get hold of his phone when he fell asleep but didn't manage it. I was exhausted and hadn't eaten in 3 days.

We got into bed and he started showing me a game on his phone. At that point I was getting upset and started crying. Silly I know but it reminded me of times when we would watch things on his phone in bed before he moved to this horrible flat.

I turned over, away from him and he hugged me and asked me what the matter was. WHAT WAS THE MATTER????

I told him and he hugged me more and started crying himself and said about trying again and asked me if I wanted to. I didn't really answer. This really doesn't make sense to me at all. He basically told me that he doesn't care and then is asking me to try again????

I dropped him to work this morning. We have been in contact but doesn't really seem like he can be bothered with it.

So now what? I felt the need to get his phone to know what was going on for sure before walking away but it's all just making me so ill. I don't know how to cope with this on top of having to care for my mother either.

Please help!

Honey..he told you he doesn't care about you. Not anywhere near the way you care about him. Why did he ask if you want to try again? Because he wants cake. he wants you..and every one else. He figures he can keep lying to you and give you bullshit excuse..and have all the perks of having a girl friend...but act single.

Run honey. RUN.

Can I ask -- are you planning to stay with this guy?

It seems like the proof is in the pudding, as far as I'm concerned. There are, what, three females he's lied to you about within the past week or so? He says sex is boring, you care about him more than he cares about you & his feelings haven't changed, he is *on* Facebook, therefore he is okay with his friends knowing some of his business, but putting his relationship status as "In a Relationship with HurtAgain1981" is too much of an invasion of privacy?

Personally, I think all of the proof is right there. ^^^

(((HUGS)))

Thanks.

I feel just so horrible today and worthless. He also tried to initiate sex after all of this happened and he asked to try again. He said the reason the sex is boring is because we haven't done what he likes to do. We having done the peeing thing where he wants me to wee in his mouth or not wipe after using the toilet (sorry) and we haven't done the face f**ing. Things he likes to do. The last time I had sex with him it was like he was looking at we with hatred. It was so horrible and weird.

I need to walk away but I can't find the strength. I think if my mother was well I would be able to if that makes sense?

Do I need to try to check his phone so that I know for sure? I feel the need to but am also disgusted in myself that after all he has done to me, said to me and the way he has treated me, that it should all be enough to get away from him.

He was talking about past relationships last night to me also and said they went the same way but they ended up cheating on him in the end and he was very depressed. I'm wondering if he treated them badly too? And I also worry that if he meets someone else that he will treat them a lot better than he has treated me. I just don't know what to do or how to deal with these feelings or thoughts.

Gently...

Keep in mind that in the years I have posted here on SI I have never seen anyone post for any other reason than because they CARE and want to HELP.

I feel I need to make that disclaimer because the advice I’m going to offer will sound harsh. But please keep in mind I truly believe I only have your best interest in mind.

The problem with offering you advice is that you really don’t seem to take it under consideration.

It’s like you stand outside a burning building asking what to do. When we suggest you phone the fire brigade you simply ask again for help. It’s as if you simply aren’t willing to look over your shoulder and see the flames and smoke. It’s like you are waiting for someone to tell you the fire is OK. It makes a great barbeque or keeps you warm when in reality it’s consuming all your possessions.

No – you don’t need to check his phone. You don’t need to know the truth behind the sanitary napkins. You don’t have to know if he treated others bad. All you need to see is that:

a) He has repeatedly lied.

b) He has repeatedly degraded you.

c) He has repeatedly belittled you.

d) He has cheated.

e) He has made sexual demands outside your comfort zone.

… I could carry on but honey… ANY ONE OR TWO of the above is MORE THAN AMPLE reason to reach the conclusion that this relationship IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU.

In my first post to you I mentioned that I have training in dealing with abusive relationships. In your case I saw right away the first steps of abuse; that’s where the abuser starts breaking down the victims self-worth.

Take it from me and probably all 38 thousand posters here on SI: The failure of this relationship does NOT reflect in any negative way on you. You shouldn’t feel a failure or a mistake because you “can’t keep him”. This guy – based solely on what you say about him – is definitely NOT a keeper.

Will the break-up hurt? Yes. But focus on you and your mom. You will be fine. Remain with him and you will be posting again here on SI, but maybe only when he has abused you some more.

Thank you Bigger. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Love and sex should not degrade you, or make you feel uncomfortable it is to bring you closer, and express your love for one another, and peeing on someone is NOT love. This guy is messed up. This not something you or anyone can fix. He likes the way he is.

RUN. NEVER LOOK BACK!!!

You are young, and have very little invested in this relationship. You deserve much much more.

This ends when you say it does, but please listen to everyone on here. This will go from bad to dangerous if you continue to engage in the behaviors he wants you to engage in.

Leave this relationship now before you get pregnant. There is so much more to life than the misery you're experiencing.

Hurt, are you aware that face f***ring is to force the person to be degraded and forced to do this act until they vomit? After I left my xnpdwh I learned that he was telling folks how much he got off on this and wanted to do this to me to humiliate and degrade me. He was very lucky that he never asked as he wouldn't have walked normal for weeks or months.

This guy is already degrading you and you do NOT deserve to be treated this way. Do not give in to his sexual desires as it will only allow him to degrade and humiliate you further. Run away from this this guy now! You deserve so much better.

He said the reason the sex is boring is because we haven't done what he likes to do.

Well, it's not all about what he wants to do. The fact that he said "Our sex is boring" to make you vulnerable, then said, "I don't like sex with you because you don't do what I want to do" -- that screams manipulation to me. He's making you vulnerable and using it to get what he wants.

I need to walk away but I can't find the strength. I think if my mother was well I would be able to if that makes sense?

Of course it does. You're hurting, you're vulnerable, you're undergoing a traumatic experience. But listen: you do have the strength. You just have to call on it.

Do I need to try to check his phone so that I know for sure?

No, you don't. You know enough. He's had three sleepovers with females in the past week-ish. He's lied to you about these sleepovers. When discovered, he became defensive. Then he shifted the blame onto you because you don't like the same sexual acts he does. It really doesn't get much clearer than this.

am also disgusted in myself that after all he has done to me, said to me and the way he has treated me, that it should all be enough to get away from him.

So why isn't it?

He was talking about past relationships last night to me also and said they went the same way but they ended up cheating on him in the end and he was very depressed.

He is manipulating you here. He's trying to turn the conversation and mood of the relationship away from you discovering his lies, and onto his past pain. He's also trying to insinuate that he is trustworthy: "See, I've been hurt like this." Don't fall for it.

I'm wondering if he treated them badly too?

Why does it matter?

And I also worry that if he meets someone else that he will treat them a lot better than he has treated me.

Again -- why does it matter? This is about YOU and YOUR LIFE and your safety. You need to put yourself first -- he's certainly not putting you first by lying to you and manipulating you. Don't wonder or worry about the next girl(s). Focus on YOU. Is he healthy for you? Does he treat you like you want to be treated? Is this relationship good for you?

Bigger,

You are right and I haven't realised this until now. I have asked for advice and I haven't followed it. It seemed like I just couldn't take it in and really fathom what was happening.

Now I know I need to as it's literally making me ill. I cannot take it anymore and it's really just taken over and consumed me. I think I thought that I couldn't deal with it on top of what is going on with my mother. I know that sounds ridiculous.

Soverybetrayed,

He has told me that he made an ex girlfriend vomit by doing this and he liked it, I thought it was disgusting. But until your post, I didn't realise that this was the purpose of it.

I know that it is to degrade and humiliate. He has told me during text conversation that he wants to degrade me, make me his slut and he likes the act because he sees it as a punishment.

He has also called me a slut during sex. Typing that actually made me feel physically sick.

What do we know about him? He LIES about being out with other women. He is not supportive or seem to care about your feelings even when your mother is very ill and in the hospital(he apparently doesnt give a crap about her either). He is TELLING YOU that he doesnt have any real feelings for you. Repeat that sentence. He has been a cheater all along, by continuing on dating sites. He wants to degrade you, and other women, sexually... and doesnt care that you arent comfortable with it. All he seems to care about is himself and sex.

He seems at the very least narcissistic (and toxic). Theres a lot of info about narcissism out there. From wikipedia I saw several things that seem to fit his description... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism

*An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges

*A lack of psychological awareness

*Difficulty with empathy

*Problems distinguishing the self from others

*Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults

*Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt

*Haughty body language

*Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them

*Detesting those who do not admire them

*Using other people without considering the cost of doing so

*Pretending to be more important than they really are

*Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements

*Claiming to be an "expert" at many things

*Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people

*Denial of remorse and gratitude

He also seems to display all of these, except maybe envy:

*Shamelessness: Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways.

*Magical thinking: Narcissists see themselves as perfect, using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to dump shame onto others.

*Arrogance: A narcissist who is feeling deflated may reinflate by diminishing, debasing, or degrading somebody else.

*Envy: A narcissist may secure a sense of superiority in the face of another person's ability by using contempt to minimize the other person.

*Entitlement: Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves special. Failure to comply is considered an attack on their superiority, and the perpetrator is considered an "awkward" or "difficult" person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage.

*Exploitation: Can take many forms but always involves the exploitation of others without regard for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed.

*Bad boundaries: Narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist are treated as if they are part of the narcissist and are expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist there is no boundary between self and other.

In bold are things I think are obvious just from what you have told us. I could not believe when I read that after you telling him your mother was in the hospital and you couldnt bare doing his dirty sex acts his FIRST RESPONSE was... well you can do other sex acts for him. WHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT?

Hes not normal hon. And he doesnt care about you.

Would your mother want you to stay in a relationship like this?

If you had a daughter, would you want her to be treated like this? To be asked to do the things he's asked you to do?

Can you kiss him knowing he's likely had those other women pee in his mouth? That his goal seems to be controlling and degrading women? That he likely sees you as one of many instead of the ONE?

He said he wanted to hurt you. Do you see how twisted that is?

Please, walk away from him and concentrate on your healing so you never allow a man to treat you like this again.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 3:24 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

Mysticpenguin,

Thank you for that post it certainly helped me a lot. Especially the bit about having the strength. With all this drama that is going on, I am just so down and depressed. I've been trying to get to the bottom of it all and making myself ill and I already feel like I am failing my mother for leaving (not on her own, with my stepdad) a few nights to go to him to try to sort out this mess. All I wanted was the truth. I hate lies so much and as he doesn't seem to care about me at all, I would think he would tell me the truth.

Driving Past,

Thank you for that post. I have looked into narcissism before but couldn't really make any sense of it but I have looked into sociopaths and I think he fits into some of that too.

You said you weren't sure about the envy bit, maybe not in the general sense but he has used contempt to minimize me I think.

And this...

I could not believe when I read that after you telling him your mother was in the hospital and you couldnt bare doing his dirty sex acts his FIRST RESPONSE was... well you can do other sex acts for him. WHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT?

I actually forgot about that! So much stuff and crap that I have probably forgotten a lot of it.

Holy-Isis,

My mother would not. She didn't want me to see him last night. I haven't told her the half of it. Just told her about the towels, that was enough for her. She would probably have a fit if I told her the rest.

Thank you for your words. I would never want anyone I cared about to be with anyone like him.

First off I want to say that I am sorry that you are hurting. Your WBF has not made you feel cherished nor has he been truthful to you. Secondly, I want to tell you to run and run fast. Get away from this guy, he is no good and will continue to bring pain and betrayal into your life. Save yourself.

He said the reason the sex is boring is because we haven't done what he likes to do. We having done the peeing thing where he wants me to wee in his mouth or not wipe after using the toilet (sorry) and we haven't done the face f**ing. Things he likes to do. The last time I had sex with him it was like he was looking at we with hatred. It was so horrible and weird.

Apparently I have been living under a rock all my life as I don't have clue what yall are talking about. I cannot give you any advice on this except to say please, please don't ever force yourself to do something that you don't want to do and makes you feel so badly about yourself just to please your BF or H. Sex with someone you love should make you feel better about yourself not worse.

You sound like you are a loving caring and wonderful person. He is a lying selfish narcasstic piece of shit . Don't cry he is not worth your tears. He says cruel things and when he sees that he could lose you he reels you in. They will always try and make excuses and make it someone else's fault. Kick him to the kerb . You will have no regrets at all. End it with a showstopper so you can feel empowered. He is a dirt bag. Run for your life. People who love you should not be treating you this way. He only loves himself. Your too good for him. Be strong. You can do it. A wonderful man is waiting out there for you. Love yourself....you are special. Hugs to you x

A showstopper?

I was wondering what to do.

Either just tell him its over and not to contact m again, write him a message telling him how disgusting his behaviour has been or just ignore him from now on?

If two people get it off wearing Viking helmets, dressed in lederhosen and rubbing broccoli and mayo over their bodies then that’s OK by me. Sexual requests and acts are OK as long as they remain within a certain framework: All participants are into it, all participants have the age and maturity to freely and willingly decide to participate, no laws are broken and no long-term harm is done.

So I’m not too judgemental about his sexual preferences… in a way.

If he finds someone that meets all my criteria AND is into his requests… well bully for him and let her wee away! Who knows – it saves on toiletpaper so maybe he’s environmentally conscious…

But that person clearly isn’t you. And frankly I doubt he will find anyone that wild and into that many different “variances”.

And OK – people can change sexual preferences – up to a point.

I might have preferred one position or one act as a younger man but another one now. My ex might have done something that I liked with her and my wife might do something else that I prefer now. But the whole vibe of his sexual preferences… It’s WAAAAAAAYYYYYY out there! It’s not doggy instead of missionary. It’s not even a riding whip instead of a spanking paddle. It’s way out there and not something he will get a casual partner into. It’s something he will groom someone into and/or find on a forum for those with similar interests.

This man won’t change his sexual preferences. He can subdue them but at some point he’s going to go back to them. IF you were to remain with him and IF you don’t groom into this role then he’ll find someone else.

Don’t worry about a showstopper. Just tell him that you two aren’t compatible. That his sexual demands aren’t your cup of tea and that you think it’s best you move on.

Then move on. I know it’s going to be hard but move on.