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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Opposite sex friends
April101
♀ Member
Member # 20417
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it possible for people to have a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex? I think people need some form of boundary. They can be friends, go out to dinner, enjoy each other's company, just as long as there is first full disclosure to their spouse and second some other type of boundary such as a third party, time constraint, public meeting. Not intimate meetings. Am I off base in saying any other type of friendship just doesn't work.

This issue just came up this week. When discussing it, I don't really think it is a good idea to NOT have a boundary. People who were not affected by an affair (yet?) may not see a need. I myself, before being betrayed, felt little or no need for a boundary.

Please give me your opinions.

Also, on a related note, a co-worker of mine, male and about 15 years younger, is having boundary issues with another co-worker in our office. I don't want him to know about my husband's affair, but I am really worried he is going down the wrong path with B. She has texted him from home during the work day, when she is off and he's at work. She apparently has a drinking problem, which he found out about and confided to me. He has gone to her home and even carried her up to bed once when she was drunk. He has a wife and 2 little kids. When I asked him if anything happened between them he said no. My husband says to stay out of it. But I hate to see him go down that road. To me it sounds like the "knight in shining armor" syndrome. An affair waiting to happen.


Me: 49 (BS)
Him: 47 (WS)
PA: 2 yrs
Married 22 yrs
3 kids
D Day: April 2008
Me: "Nobody wants to be with a cheater not even a cheater."
My D(16): 'Why should I listen to dad, he knew what he was doing was wrong and did it anyway'

Posts: 482 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: New York
BaldwinBeauty59
♀ Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has gone to her home and even carried her up to bed once when she was drunk.

I'd bet the farm that it is already an A. Talking to him won't do anything as he is already too involved with this OW to pull away. Find out a way to tell his wife what you know. Let her in on this secret "friendship".


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
Extirpated
♀ New Member
Member # 38707
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you had asked me 6 months ago, I would have said yes that one can be friends and do those things with the opposite sex. Now, I have a much different opinion - no, they cannot be. It is a slippery slope that leads to no good. But, I may be bitter because the OW in my case was a good friend of ours. I made the mistake of letting them do things together without me because I trusted them both implicitly - that came around to bite me in the ass.

I have always gotten along better with men (women are too superficial and catty and backstabbing) but once I was married kept all friendships friendships of both my husband and I. We no longer had close friends that were just his or mine. I am no longer comfortable or allow my husband to do anything alone with someone of the opposite sex. It's both of us or it doesn't happen.

Being betrayed really does open your eyes to a lot of things. I never thought or even considered that this would happen to me/us.


BS - 37 (me)
WH - 37
Children - 3 (aged 11-8)
Married 14 years, together 17 years
TT - 1/27/13, Full DDay 2/11/13
Working towards R
OW - two faced, lying, cheating, manipulating next door neighbor who pretended to be my friend

Posts: 21 | Registered: Mar 2013
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't believe in opposite sex friends going out in public etc. Just me I am sure.

Now I have an opposite sex friend but he is gay. SOoo no problem there.

I would most definetely not allow my FWS to have a female friend. Period.
JMO.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3186 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made the mistake of letting them do things together without me because I trusted them both implicitly - that came around to bite me in the ass.

Yup, me too....


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most affairs start between friends, right?

I would have no problem telling this person he is wildly out of line and that he needs to end that friendship ASAP less he find himself out of a marriage. I'd have a hard time not saying something to his wife.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6356 | Registered: Jan 2011
April101
♀ Member
Member # 20417
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't think you are safe if the other woman is gay. The other woman in my husband's affair was openly gay and living with her "partner" wife. Four months after D-day, when I had my wits about me, I outed the A to the OW's partner. Before I did that, she merely thought of the TWO-YEAR affair as a "bump in the road". Right.


Me: 49 (BS)
Him: 47 (WS)
PA: 2 yrs
Married 22 yrs
3 kids
D Day: April 2008
Me: "Nobody wants to be with a cheater not even a cheater."
My D(16): 'Why should I listen to dad, he knew what he was doing was wrong and did it anyway'

Posts: 482 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: New York
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before the A....I was actually encouraging my wife to find a running partner...didnt even care if it was man or woman.

But for me...even pre-A...I was always concerned about it. I never went to lunch with just 1 woman co-worker. If I felt the need to take one out for help they offered me at my job I would ask them which other female co-worker they would like to join us.

I just never thought my wife would have an A. Foolishly, I thought that was a mans trait....I have no idea why I didnt think that in every A there is a WOMAN involved too!

I just dont think you can have a really close opposite sex friend.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3609 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to think so, but not anymore.

Think about it...how do we all fall in love with our WS's to begin with? We spend time with them, we like their company, we discover we have something in common, we are attracted to them and it happens. Time spent together is creating that intimacy IMHO. The spark is bound to ignite on one side or the other. One person steps over the boundary, the other tries to resist because you know, they are married, but they can still be friends??! Ha! They ignore it for awhile, tension building, being friends until.... BOOM!

Nope. Don't advise it.

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 6:08 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1442 | Registered: Jun 2012
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, no, and a resounding NO.

There is no reason for me (the BS) to have male friends. None. I can find what I need in a friendship from my female friends. There is no reason I would EVER need to go have coffee, lunch, etc. with a man who is not my husband. NONE. This was a boundary I had in place BEFORE my husband had multiple affairs. I'm not comfortable being around men alone because it's SO easy to go down that slippery slope. I can not honestly remember being with a man alone in a casual setting that wasn't a relative since before my marriage.

My husbands affairs all occurred with employee's whom he "befriended". There is absolutely NO reason he needs to have a female friend at all. NONE.

Being alone with opposite sex friends fosters a sense of intimacy no matter how you slice it. You let your guard down, you become comfortable and then you can start sliding down that slope.

So in my opinion, absolutely not. There is NO reason for me, or my spouse to have a close relationship with someone of the opposite sex.

We have friends of our marriage whom we hang out with together or, I'll hang out with the wife and he'll hang out with the husband, but that's it.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep-sounds like an EA. In addition, I don't think you can have a friendship with the opposite sex unless you are there as well. My WH went out with co-workers from work for just drinks. Since, he works with all females. Cashiers-I trusted him. There were more than one there. Only to find out that both of them liked him. One was going through a separation. The other was bored because her boyfriend just started a new job and she didn't get enough attention. He was having an EA with the bored cashier. Her boss (the other women) helped the A along by taking them out. A few months later she got back with her H, after my H was out of the picture. You just can't trust anyone without you there.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Uneek
♀ Member
Member # 38416
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll be the lone dissenter. Yes, I think people of the opposite sex can be friends. One of my good friends is a male coworker. We text, we facebook, we hang out. Generally when we hang out there is a group of us. The difference between my friendship with CW and H's friendship with his CW/AP is A) H knows about this friendship and B) I hide nothing from him. He knows about the texts, he knows about the facebook messages, he knows if we go out to dinner or CW brings me coffee or whatever.

Could it eventually turn that way? Absolutely - in fact, I have a CW right now that I could see becoming an AP if I let it. But I make sure that I am never alone with him, I am very upfront with H about him, and our conversations are purely work related.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's possible for people like Uneek who have excellent boundaries and morals, but not for former waywards and not for MY fWH!

While we we in " false" R ( when he was lying about the PA that had ended) he insisted he was "just friends" with another young, female employee. I didn't have the " right" to tell him who his friends could be, and since he worked with almost exclusively women what did I expect? When I became increasingly uncomfortable he said I was being controlling. Part of what made him finally come out of his fog (besides my finding out the truth of his LTA!) was when I looked at his cell phone records and we both saw how often he was calling this girl. Although there was never the "intention" of a PA, which is how he convinced himself it was ok, he was spending emotional energy on her that was inappropriate.

Now that he is seeing clearly he doesn't even consider behavior of this sort. He's ashamed that he fought me over it. And I would no longer put up with it for a second. No female friends one on one. Period.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2744 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Uneek
♀ Member
Member # 38416
Default  Posted: 2:23 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's possible for people like Uneek who have excellent boundaries and morals, but not for former waywards and not for MY fWH!

To be fair, I am a Madhatter. I am quite a ways out, though, and know exactly what actions leds to the A and, perhaps more importantly, why I went that way.

We are only a couple months out from H's D-day but even so, I still have no problem with H texting or speaking to his female friends/coworkers, but again the boundaries are very clear. He has also taken steps to show me he is serious about R (NC with OW without me asking, taking himself off FB which was a favored form of communication for them, etc). If he were struggling to commit to R it would probably be a different story. We both recognize that the major difference between his friendship with his AP and his friendship with other women is that the AP was a secret. If you've read "Not Just Friends," these current female friends are definitely friends of the marriage.

[This message edited by Uneek at 2:24 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013
struggling3
♀ Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny...I just saw this question and answer in a magazine and cut it out...it said

Q: Can a man and a woman ever just be friends?

A: Well, it requires that you find each other at least vaguely repulsive. Good luck!

I agree!!


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 308 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NO


Posts: 1352 | Registered: Jan 2010
sohowamI
♀ Member
Member # 36671
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH has always had women 'friends.' In fact he surrounded himself with them and they were just SO happy to be his friend - especially because he 'had such a feminine side'! No, he's most definitely NOT gay!

His female friends became his lovers too. He has no boundaries. He never, ever, looked in our circle of friends but anyone on his networking circle or sports circle or even among his clients, if they were available, then the affairs began.

I think that someone who has had poor boundaries in the past with friends of the opposite sex, then no, these are now off limits. I have certainly now made this plain to my WH. I don't know how he will retrain himself not to flirt or play the field. Lots of IC and lots of messages to himself that women are not sexual objects.


WS had two LTAs of 10 years and 12 years; further 8/9 affairs; EAs, 2 OC. Looks horrific but he is fully immersed in trying to find the 'broken.' It's on-going and painful. If there's a blue sky and sunshine, then it's a good day.

Posts: 165 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. There should be no need for that. For 13 years, I was ok with WH's female friends. Now, I realize I don't deserve that. It is not ok for WH to have female friends. What for? I know I wasn't enough for WH. Not physcially, mentally, emotionally, not even to date. My WH is a fucking asshole and I cannot wait to leave his ass. I'm almost there, I can feel it.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Call me a Heretic if you want, but I believe that friends of the opposite sex, that is, both sexes, are a necessary part of a healthy life. But unfortunately, so many of us have such poor boundaries, self-control, and self-knowledge that eliminating opportunity is the only path that keeps us faithful. Just a Dry Drunk I say.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Topic Posts: 33
Pages: 1 · 2

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