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User Topic: Opposite sex friends
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Depends on boundaries. Friendships with potential sex partners work fine when both friends' boundaries are strong.

A corollary is that a person with strong boundaries keeps a potential friend with weak boundaries at a distance.

My rule is not doing or saying anything that I wouldn't want my W to see or hear, except WRT a surprise gift for my W. That hasn't been a difficult rule for me to follow.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10430 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H has girl friends and I've never worried in the past.

I did have a wobble not long after DDay but they were my issues, not his.

The only male friends I have are his friends really. His best friend is sort of my friend but his allegiance would of course be with my H.

Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm totally with you on keeping friends with weak boundaries at a distance, and following the "Spouse See" rule at all times.

But your comment about "potential sex partners" rang a different bell. If we can't have straight friends of the opposite sex, are we also banned from gay friends of the same sex? And how can we be sure which is which?

Boundaries, boundaries. Know thyself, and to thyself be True.

Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can. Wh? Only with a very few women who are "friends of the marriage".

Posts: 631 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 37863
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not just no, HELL NO. After two A's with HSXGF's when WS swore up and down they were 'just friends' while he was in the fog, there's no chance I will EVER trust the 'just friends' line again.

Me (BS) 42 - Him (WS) 43
DD #1 7/19/10 2 year LTA EA/PA w/MOW - HSXGF#1; DD #2 6/6/12 4 mo EA (PA?) w/HSXGF#2; DD #3 12/15/12 3 week EA with random stranger. A whole crapload of gaslighting, minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and TT.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ Member
Member # 38134
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The Rules we have signed prohibit friendships with the opposite sex who are not friends of the marriage. After his infidelity, WH is now very conscious of how he interacts with the opposite sex. I told him one more episode of infidelity and I will "bring him down" and he will not know what hit him!

Me-BW 46 yo;Him - WH 53 yo
Married 13years
One daughter together 9yo, 2 stepchildren(His from previous marriage)
Various DDdays (see my profile)
ONS and multiple "friendships" with women in various online dating sites

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Zealand
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have friends of the opposite sex, but they are WH's friends as well. I only ever meet up with them with him.

My other male friends are apart of a group. Never one on one, no fb messages etc etc.


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have had good male friends throughout my marriage until FWH's A completely derailed all my friendships. It has never been an issue, but I have always had very clear boundaries. These included not discussing overly personal things (and especially anything that showed my FWH in a bad light or my relationship with him) as well as complete transparency with FWH. I believed that FWH had the same boundaries as I did, since we discussed it often enough even though we didn't use the term "boundaries".

Even after DDay when male friends knew something was wrong (even if they didn't know what it was), and even when I thought I was going to divorce my FWH, I maintained those boundaries. It was tempting to run down my FWH when I was really angry, but I felt like I owed it to myself not to compromise my own values.

So, is it possible? I think it is. Is it advisable? Maybe not. With all the infidelity that occurs it feels like many people are not capable of it.

Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1752 | Registered: Nov 2010
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a few friends who are girls- why shouldn't I? I have naturally strong boundaries I would never cross any line and if someone did with me- well- we certainly wouldn't be friends!!!

The Mrs doesn't really have any opposite sex friends- I would probs think it was a odd if she made a new friend that was a guy but I would have before.

We hang out in a group and it's probably around 50/50 a few of my mates are definitely her mates too. I don't worry about her cheating on me with a friend of mine- I don't think it would happen.

BH-29 (me)

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.

Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking back over my opposite sex friendships throughout my life, there were very very few that the thought of "What if?" Didn't cross my mind. Even if it was a very quick passing thought.

And if I think about the very few that "What if?" Didn't cross my mind. I am sure it crossed theirs.

Even with the best boundaries in the world, given the right set of circumstances, any of us could break them.

I am not going to take that chance.

BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2647 | Registered: Aug 2012
♂ Member
Member # 38709
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has really confused me since I have realized that there is such thing as an EA. Both myself and WW have had friends of the opposite sex. I have a few female friends that I would consider very good friends, but that is all they are. Since I have become friends with them, I have never thought of them as anything more then friends. I even lived with one for a couple years when I met my WW.

My WW has male friends that I have never thought would be more then that, but now, I am posting on this webiste, so I was obviously wrong. If we ever did R, this will be a very hard thing for me, because she does have a lot of male friends, and i don't think that she has feelings for them as anything more. But, she cheated on me with a "Friend" before, so how do I know it won't happen again with another "Friend".


Me: BH 38
Her: WW 34
Married: 4 years, togther 8
D-Day #1 10/20/12
D-Day #2 12/23/12
EA>PA 2/2/2013
D-Day #3 3/2/12

Posts: 63 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: ON, Canada
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the previous poster (April, I think)...don't assume gay friends of the opposite sex are safe just because they are gay. OW2 in my case was in an openly gay live-in partnership. In fact, her sexual orientation came up when they were "just friends" and it gave me a false sense of comfort that she was safe. Same as you see here where some WS have affairs with people of the same sex. Sexual orientation is not a black and white thing. Its a continuum for most people. Your "very" straight wife may not be as straight as you think after all. Really, its boundaries, not sexual orientation, that matters when it comes to fidelity.

Thinking back over my opposite sex friendships throughout my life, there were very very few that the thought of "What if?" Didn't cross my mind. Even if it was a very quick passing thought.

To go back to my continuum, i think I am on the straighter side of it. Ha! Anyway, I agree, Chicho. I'm a tomboy and have had as many male friends and female friends over the years. My experience is much like yours - there have only been 2 men in my life where I can honestly say there was absolutely zero/nada/not ever a passing thought of dating/kissing/whatever. They were very much friendships - just that there are flickers there. And that's just it - that's part of being a human. Again, its boundaries that matter.

I wonder what a "friend" is anyway. I have a few male co-workers who I chit chat with - about their hobbies, partners/girlfriends, families, etc. I've gone out to dinner with them when traveling. But I wouldn't call them friends. They give me a good male perspective and some male variety in my life, but there isn't a closeness there. Are these OK for us and for our WS? Or must they isolate completely?

My other thought on this whole topic is - why is everyone so comfortable with friends of the opposite sex so long as they are friends of the marriage or "my girlfriends are the only female friends my WH has"? You only have to go over to the Double Betrayal thread on ICR to see that there are many friends of the marriage or personal best friends who turned out to be bad fucking eggs and the affair developed in the context of "friends of the marriage" right under the BS' nose. Fact of the matter is, lots of trustworthy, close people turn into WS or OPs.

Which is why I think it is all about boundaries. All about them. The opposite sex is everywhere. Being friends or not doesn't promote or prevent infidelity. Just look at all the people who have As with folks they weren't friends with at all. Unless you're going to remove the opposite sex from the face of the earth, boundaries is where you need to shore up, not in allowing or disallowing in black and white terms certain types of people.

Having said all of that, I think it is more than legit and probably helpful to limit friendships if that makes R easier for any reason. I know I'd have a really hard time if my WH all the sudden paraded a close personal female friend around. I just would, regardless of whether it makes logical sense.

Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ Member
Member # 28889
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NO NO NO !!! One of our conditions for R is that my WH can not have FREINDS of the opposite sex unless it is a friend of mine and the Marriage. I never thought anything about my WH's friends before, but the A was with a so called friend of his. So the answer is NO!

Ws 59
Bs me--57
Married 39 years
D Day 11/30/08
Just trying to feel normal.It is getting there, but very slow.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Tennessee
Topic Posts: 33
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