A corollary is that a person with strong boundaries keeps a potential friend with weak boundaries at a distance.
My rule is not doing or saying anything that I wouldn't want my W to see or hear, except WRT a surprise gift for my W. That hasn't been a difficult rule for me to follow.
I did have a wobble not long after DDay but they were my issues, not his.
The only male friends I have are his friends really. His best friend is sort of my friend but his allegiance would of course be with my H.
I'm totally with you on keeping friends with weak boundaries at a distance, and following the "Spouse See" rule at all times.
But your comment about "potential sex partners" rang a different bell. If we can't have straight friends of the opposite sex, are we also banned from gay friends of the same sex? And how can we be sure which is which?
Boundaries, boundaries. Know thyself, and to thyself be True.
My other male friends are apart of a group. Never one on one, no fb messages etc etc.
:)
Even after DDay when male friends knew something was wrong (even if they didn't know what it was), and even when I thought I was going to divorce my FWH, I maintained those boundaries. It was tempting to run down my FWH when I was really angry, but I felt like I owed it to myself not to compromise my own values.
So, is it possible? I think it is. Is it advisable? Maybe not. With all the infidelity that occurs it feels like many people are not capable of it.
The Mrs doesn't really have any opposite sex friends- I would probs think it was a odd if she made a new friend that was a guy but I would have before.
We hang out in a group and it's probably around 50/50 a few of my mates are definitely her mates too. I don't worry about her cheating on me with a friend of mine- I don't think it would happen.
Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.
And if I think about the very few that "What if?" Didn't cross my mind. I am sure it crossed theirs.
Even with the best boundaries in the world, given the right set of circumstances, any of us could break them.
I am not going to take that chance.
My WW has male friends that I have never thought would be more then that, but now, I am posting on this webiste, so I was obviously wrong. If we ever did R, this will be a very hard thing for me, because she does have a lot of male friends, and i don't think that she has feelings for them as anything more. But, she cheated on me with a "Friend" before, so how do I know it won't happen again with another "Friend".
AGhhhh!
Thinking back over my opposite sex friendships throughout my life, there were very very few that the thought of "What if?" Didn't cross my mind. Even if it was a very quick passing thought.
To go back to my continuum, i think I am on the straighter side of it. Ha! Anyway, I agree, Chicho. I'm a tomboy and have had as many male friends and female friends over the years. My experience is much like yours - there have only been 2 men in my life where I can honestly say there was absolutely zero/nada/not ever a passing thought of dating/kissing/whatever. They were very much friendships - just that there are flickers there. And that's just it - that's part of being a human. Again, its boundaries that matter.
I wonder what a "friend" is anyway. I have a few male co-workers who I chit chat with - about their hobbies, partners/girlfriends, families, etc. I've gone out to dinner with them when traveling. But I wouldn't call them friends. They give me a good male perspective and some male variety in my life, but there isn't a closeness there. Are these OK for us and for our WS? Or must they isolate completely?
My other thought on this whole topic is - why is everyone so comfortable with friends of the opposite sex so long as they are friends of the marriage or "my girlfriends are the only female friends my WH has"? You only have to go over to the Double Betrayal thread on ICR to see that there are many friends of the marriage or personal best friends who turned out to be bad fucking eggs and the affair developed in the context of "friends of the marriage" right under the BS' nose. Fact of the matter is, lots of trustworthy, close people turn into WS or OPs.
Which is why I think it is all about boundaries. All about them. The opposite sex is everywhere. Being friends or not doesn't promote or prevent infidelity. Just look at all the people who have As with folks they weren't friends with at all. Unless you're going to remove the opposite sex from the face of the earth, boundaries is where you need to shore up, not in allowing or disallowing in black and white terms certain types of people.
Having said all of that, I think it is more than legit and probably helpful to limit friendships if that makes R easier for any reason. I know I'd have a really hard time if my WH all the sudden paraded a close personal female friend around. I just would, regardless of whether it makes logical sense.
