SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The kids usually stay with WH each Tues/Wed and alternate weekends (which means staying at his current girlfriend's house - a whole other vent).

Last night (Tues) they absolutely refused to go, and in fact hid under my 11yr old son's bed. They said they preferred it here with me and hated him shouting at them all the time and hated him kissing and cuddling with his gf.

He drove here and talked to them but they were adamant. Of course then he turned on me, accusing me and my family of 'fililng their heads with negativity' about him, which is NOT the case.

As much as I loathe him and hate how he's involved them in his new relationship immediately, I have always encouraged them to see their dad and told them that he loves them etc etc (even though I know that they are no longer on the top of his list of priorities )

He left looking very sorry for himself, would not speak to me. The kids are meant to go again tonight - my son (11) said he will go, but my daughter (7) is still saying no. They're with my parents today while I'm working (it's Wed morning here).

Not sure how to handle this. There are no court ordered arrangements yet, it's just between WH and I. Even if it was formalised, I can't FORCE them to go! I just want what's best for them, my poor kids are so torn and confused.

I hate him for everything he's done. I hope last night will make him think about what effect his selfishness is having on our children. But I'm guessing I will get the blame for this, just like everything else is my fault in his eyes.

I tried to get DS into counselling previously, but WH refused to give his permission and they won't accept DS without both parents' permission. WH tells me I want to use counselling as a way to 'get ammunition to throw at him' -no, IDIOT, I just want to help our children.

I am so exhausted today. I want to run away somewhere with my kids (no I would never do that). Just so tired and so sad for them.

Document, document, document. Rule #1 especially when you don't have an agreement yet.

I would try to talk to him calmly, and just say, look. DD is still upset from last night. She doesn't want to go tonight. Please understand this has all been a lot of changes for them, and you are going to have to give them time, and listen to their concerns. Give her tonight, and try to talk to both of them, calmly, about how they feel about the situation. They love you, they are just having a hard time.

Try not to accuse, give shit or any of the other 40 things you want to say. See if you can at least buy your DD tonight.

The bottom line is, without an agreement, you don't HAVE to send them. The other side is, you don't want to look like you refuse to let the kids go with him. It's a balancing act. The more you document, the better off you will be.

Does the school have a counselor? How about the pediatrician? Do you have a church Sunday School teacher they could talk to? I urge you to have your children talk to a trusted adult. The more trusted, reasonable adults you have who can observe your children & hear their tale, the better protection you'll have from your STBX claiming you're alienating the children. It will also be good for your children to have someone else to confide in if they need to disclose something icky & aren't comfortable telling you.

Maybe he should try not shouting at them. Or I dunno, not having his whore present during visitations. They should not have to watch him smooching all over some other woman, espcially if the D is not even final yet.

Why do both parents need to agree for counselling? Is it that particular programme? If so find another.

Why on earth would he NOT agree to it?

Talk to your GP and get a referral. That is fucking crazy.

Talk to your L and find out what you can do here. I'd say one of the reasons they don't want to go is because its OWs house, not their house.

Ignore the shit he is spewing - so bloody typical to blame everyone under the sun rather than take responsibility.

Don't let it get to you - he is trying to convince himself that its all your fault more than anyone.

Focus on your kids. This has to have been very very traumatic for them. I can't imagine a scene playing out like that in front of my kids.

Is there any way you can do handovers via school ie: he picks them up from school then drops them off on your day and you pick them up.

((AussieMum)) I know how hard it is to watch this shit.

I recommend you reach out to Relationships Australia - they can help you/mediate a parenting agreement and they also have lots of publications, courses and seminars which I've found very useful.

Try and get your kids into a psychologist, they don't need both parents permission. I'm in Australia as well, my xwh hates the fact the kids go to see a psych, but they do go, because he believes they should be 'over it' by now and be joining him in his lala land of all sunshine and rainbows. My xwh also blames me and my family for everything as to why the kids hate him and the OW it's all crap though.

I have done nothing but support his relationship with his children but it's not my job to fix it anymore I have always done this. It is no longer your job to fix their relationship either. All you can do is encourage them to go.

We do however have formal custody orders my oldest has now refused to see his father or have any contact with him for almost 2 months now and has no future plans at this point either. Just be careful if you do formal orders as the children can be forced to see the other parent. But it also can be a protection or deterrent to your children from being 'taken' by the other parent. This was my concern and why I pushed for formal orders.

My xwh hasn't pushed the visitation issue as yet, but he is quite within his right to now take me to court for 'breaching the order' but he is 14 too big to make him go, he has already said he will run away and come home to me if he is made to go. He is sick of the emotional/psychological abuse from his father and finally sticking up for his own boundaries in which I am proud of him for doing so.

It's such a hard balancing act, I agree with the SBB, go to relationship Australia, they also have psychologists on staff that will see your children and find out what's going on through play as well.

((Aussiemum))