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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: "just" an affair?
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And to say across the board that it shouldn't be or that because they haven't experienced a big enough tragedy, that's just wrong.
If that is directed at me, that isn't what I said.

But, okay, you are the winner, SB, of you hurt the most from being a victim of infidelity. Yep, more than me losing my child. You win! YAY!

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:27 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9408 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Way to take what I wrote and completely twist it.

You can't say for everyone that infidelity isn't the worst they've experienced, just like I can't say for everyone that death isn't the worst they've experienced.

It wasn't directed at one single person anyway.

It would be like the comparison of who's affair is worse, an EA, a PA, a complex affair? Each person can qualify it how it means to them. I would NEVER tell someone that their pain isn't as valid as mine. I would never tell someone that they can't feel like an affair is the worst tragedy they've experienced.

[This message edited by SamanthaBaker at 8:33 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who twisted who's words?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9408 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never twisted your words, I wasn't commenting directly to you. The blog post I wrote was written LAST YEAR. My comment after that was in general because several people commented on tragedies.

If you feel the loss of your child is worse, I feel that for you it is.

I feel that even with the other tragedies I've been through, infidelity is the worst for me.

Why is that hard for you to accept?


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
ohgoodgrief
♀ Member
Member # 30538
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me the reason infidelity SEEMS like the worst tragedy is because it not only destroys the present..... It destroys our perception of the past and the dreams of the future.

If a family member dies or suffers illness or disfigurement or death, then at least we have the fond memories of the past to hang onto. The future may not be appealing and the present may be painful but at least we have the past to cherish.

In essence, life is a three part play consisting of the past, the present and the future. Infidelity temporarily destroys all three. Thus feeling like our whole life is destroyed. When any of the other life tragedies strike, we are able to cherish one or two of the three parts.

Our perspectives change with time and healing from any of the tragedies. On or near d day, I saw infidelity as THE WORST THING. three years out I now only see it as an unfortunate part of my life. Because of my perspective. In a very twisted way, I am grateful for the opportunity to become a better person and able to lead a more purposeful life. Had it not been for infidelity, I would never have achieved this new and wonderful life.

So now I have two of the three parts of life back. My present is wonderful and my future is bright......my past is still tainted with pain and trauma...... But the pain is fading.

Change your perspective and change your life. Lead a life of purpose and become a better person. Infidelity has given you this rare opportunity.

This is only MY PERSPECTIVE.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Dec 2010
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this post. It's something I can relate to.

For me, because Perv was the most primary person in my life, it is as if he died for me. However, in death there is no choice and in cheating there is...always and every time.

I have a cousin who is 33 and widower, raising his 4 year old daughter by himself. He is a role model for my daughter and I and I feel some of the most sane when we are with him, because he and she faced tragedy, loss and grief and are still going.

He is a little more extreme in parenting than I and I forsee he is raising a young narcissist, but I can also see it is a coping mechanism.

When the little girl was born, her heart was full of fluid and we almost lost her. When she was two, she was finally well, through the mother's research and the father's wish to do anything to save her. Prior to the little girl being born there was a miscarriage.

When the little girl turned 3, the mom got run over by some men driving home from work who fell asleep while driving-the driver and passenger both. She was a mile from home and on her way home, but never went home again.

The dad and I have become very close since our losses of spouse occurred. We grew up together and Perv had a ton in common with him, so my cousin feels a great loss with Perv gone. Many common shows, hobbies, and the bond of parenting only children little girls drew them together.

So when Perv made his exit, it was interesting that this cousin is one who's really come through for us. They don't live near here but we spend many occassion eve's together and the important marks in the little girl cousin's lives.

I wrote this story out to say that affairs are akin to life changing illnesses because they are that-life changing. They come as much as a blow and surprise to the family and spouse of the WS, only the person who died didn't do it on purpose.

This my widower cousin of 33 years old says as well and Perv has lost him forever as a friend. He can no longer relate to Perv or respect what he's done. He even tried to talk him back home, telling him one night last year,

"My wife can never come home and I would give my live to have what you do and what you gave up willingly." He wears both wedding rings and continues traditions, even down to collecting the Pandora beads she favored. This made me cry and its a little bit how we treat Perv's absence. Carrying on improvements at the house when we can and so forth.

I don't know if this will help anyone, but it helped me to write. Thanks to anyone who reads it.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P.S. Food for thought and irony. Do you know, Perv hooked OW in part by claiming he was a widower. He also made a false page for social networks and put that status up, with another page that had me on it and M.

However, he would not tell me any details when I asked him this winter, "How did I die?" I and some friends were very curious.

We also have a neighbor who moved, but was also a widower as well and Perv had interest in that wifes story as well. Then I found myself wondering why he felt okay sharing details about things like their sex, but not that?

I know, I know...it doesn't matter!!!

I know it's neither here nor there, just answer-seeking so I could put it out of my head.

He said, "it never came up." that he had to make an explanation, but I don't really believe that. I always wonder if he used my cousins story, but I know it doesn't matter now.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
sportsfan
♂ Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SM - i wanted to send you a PM but your PM area is full.

Posts: 1929 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
healingk
♀ Member
Member # 28889
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read this post a few days ago, did not respond, but for some reason could not get it off my mind. I know that the affects from infidelity are different for people, but from what I read the pain is pretty close the same for all. My thoughts on this is that I would take the pain of infidelity everyday of my remaining life to save the life of my child or grandchild. With that said, I still have all my children and beautiful grandchildren, so I will say without any doubt that this A has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I have lost my father ( my parents were divorced when I was very young, and I did not see him very much) and I have also lost my sister, my only sibling. I feel guilty for saying this but this A hurt me more that any of these two events, no one but God had control over their deaths, but my WH that I trusted with my life ripped my heart out of my chest, by his own choice. I do want to stress again that I would still repeat that pain over and over again for the life and health of my children and grandchildren.


Ws 59
Bs me--57
Married 39 years
D Day 11/30/08
Just trying to feel normal.It is getting there, but very slow.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Tennessee
Topic Posts: 49
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