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Newest Member: BrokenNoMore (45438)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He honestly thinks his A was good for us!!!
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think an A is a horrible thing for a marriage. My WW never said her A was good for us. However, we had this discussion about how sad it was that it took this for us to work on our marriage. I think your H may feel it was good because now you have a different relationship but my statement to this would be "AT WHAT COST" Yes my M is ALOT more open about communication and boundaries and we may never had gotten there if we didn't go through this CRAP. Yes we talk and are more connected then we ever have been, yes we have a VERY different marriage than before. But the price we both pay to have it this way... Betrayal, Guilt, Hurt, Pain, Anger, Regret, Remorse, Loss of Innocence, Loss of Trust, Doubt, Loss of Self Esteem, Loss of Identity. None of that is good for both the BS & WS. What is good is that you both are working to heal from this together and create a different marriage. The price we all pay didn't have to be that way. If our WS would have told us really what was going on before it happened we wouldn't be here and we could have worked on our M then without all this CRAP. BUT that is not our reality. I have been working on acceptance. Accepting this is my reality


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was fat, smoked and did not exercise. I had a mini stroke. Scarred me and made me realize I had issues (I was fat, smoked and did not exercise). I got some help and changed so that I am not fat, I do not smoke and I exercise. I am healthier now than I was before the mini stroke. So I am lucky that it did not kill me and grateful I was given a chance to fix it. The mini stroke was a consequence of my actions and I was able to see that and make changes. I was responsible for my behavior before and after. The stroke was not the best thing that happened, it was the changes I made.

I am fortunate this is just an analogy and did not happen to me. My W cheated. I am living in the aftermath of that choice. I am working through things about me that were buried. The work is a good thing. May be the best thing Ive ever done for myself. My W is working on her again it may be the best thing she has ever done for herself. We are working on the M and it may be the best thing we have ever done for the M. Where is it in all this that the A was good? No the choices we are making are good. The choices made before were not good. We are lucky that those choices did not end the M, but it is the choices we make now that are good, not the crappy results of the bad choices.

We can all make a choice to eat right and do what is right for our bodies to live a healthy lifestyle without the trauma of a stroke. Same goes for a healthy mental lifestyle. I know I feel the victims roll in all of it sometimes but I have to stand up and deal with it and take charge of myself. Im responsible for my health, physically, mentally and spiritually. Its a daily struggle and I feel like I am losing that battle lately. But it does not change the fact that I am the only one who can change that (and I can). Saying the A was good for us no saying I am grateful I am finding ways to make good choices now yes.


Your beliefs dont make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Jul 2011
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a stupid, yet not uncommon thought process- thinking it helped.
Let's say I have a mole on my arm that I want removed because I don't like it. I could have my arm amputated, or just fix the mole...my WH's infidelity was an amputation to me.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Extirpated
♀ New Member
Member # 38707
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, we had this discussion about how sad it was that it took this for us to work on our marriage

This was a huge wake up call for the both of us to the issues in our marriage. It is sad that this was the catalyst for us to both make changes - but it is what it is. We are both working hard to be better people and better spouses. I know that I'm not at fault and that I did nothing wrong, but there were definitely areas of myself that needed improvement.

We cannot change the past, it's how to choose to move forward from here every day for the rest of our lives that matter. Could we have gotten to is point without the affair, yes but I don't think either one of us truly saw where we were lacking.

I certainly don't excuse his behavior or even understand it, but I am grateful that we are both willing to try to work this out. Even though he is 100% responsible, we both will bear the scars and pain of this.


BS - 37 (me)
WH - 37
Children - 3 (aged 11-8)
Married 14 years, together 17 years
TT - 1/27/13, Full DDay 2/11/13
Working towards R
OW - two faced, lying, cheating, manipulating next door neighbor who pretended to be my friend

Posts: 21 | Registered: Mar 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, no A is good for anybody. It's my opinion, but an A, as someone here has stated before, is designed to end a M.

I hope you don't mind a WS chiming in. The answer is absolutely not. The logic doesn't make sense. There are many ways someone can make changes in their marriage without completely devasting their family in the process. And its not just their family. The shock waves are endless. Nothing is worth the pain that it causes or the memories that are tainted as a result.

I have to say I agree with the above completely.

This was a huge wake up call for the both of us to the issues in our marriage. It is sad that this was the catalyst for us to both make changes - but it is what it is. We are both working hard to be better people and better spouses. I know that I'm not at fault and that I did nothing wrong, but there were definitely areas of myself that needed improvement.

While I somewhat understand this, it still isn't worth the fallout from an A to have to have a wake-up call. My WH is very broken, but working on it, and yet I don't feel like I got any wake-up from any of this. If anything it woke me up to the fact of how broken my WH really is.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His EA and ONS are the reason we are digging deep in MC and finding out why he thought he was ILUBNILWU for so long. If he had told me that he felt that way then, he could have saved me and our marriage a lot of pain as we could have worked on it then.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1649 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was fat, smoked and did not exercise. I had a mini stroke. Scarred me and made me realize I had issues (I was fat, smoked and did not exercise). I got some help and changed so that I am not fat, I do not smoke and I exercise. I am healthier now than I was before the mini stroke. So I am lucky that it did not kill me and grateful I was given a chance to fix it. The mini stroke was a consequence of my actions and I was able to see that and make changes. I was responsible for my behavior before and after. The stroke was not the best thing that happened, it was the changes I made.

I am fortunate this is just an analogy and did not happen to me.


You know what, I was fat, smoked and did not exercise. I quit smoking, exercised and got into shape before I had a stroke. I'm sure my body is a lot healthier for changing before I had a stroke. It would be a lot better off if I'd always exercised and never smoked, but it's never too early or too late to make healthy choices. Well, I mean, if you're dead. Then it's too late. Probably. The whole zombie thing, you know, that could maybe change that. Though, zombies are generally undead mindless monsters who are set in their ways with the whole feasting on the flesh of the living thing so I guess it still holds, dead is probably too late to make healthy choices.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7495 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
NoraLee
♀ Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H said the same - if his affair was so healthy for our relationship - can you imagine how good it can be if I had an A too!!! He shut up fast after that...


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H said the same - if his affair was so healthy for our relationship - can you imagine how good it can be if I had an A too!!! He shut up fast after that...

That's a good one!


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

StillGoing, this is a great analogy. If it is okay with you, I am going to use it on WH.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 388 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...and some people have improved themselves and relationships with their love ones. Unfortunately they are still in prison for the crimes they have committed, and the people affected by their crimes are still suffering.

[This message edited by still-living at 10:01 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 784 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
CrappyLife
♂ Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well you could offer to make your M EVEN BETTER. Tell your WH that you could cheat too. Then ask how great our relationship would be then.

THIS IS A CLASSIC. (claps) (claps) (claps)

An A is never good for anyone. No matter what anyone says. Period.

If your H says it was good for the M, he still does not get the damage.


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
sunshine226
♀ Member
Member # 38851
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely disagree with WH's A being good for us, but it has definitely been a wake up call

Before all of this, I saw a disconnect within our relationship, we were too busy with life (kids, work, bills, stress) to take time for us. We were going though the motion but not taking time for just us, and I often mentioned we should have a date night, but it never happened. Then along comes OW, now they have all the things that I had told him we should be doing

A relationship needs nuturing and needs to be worked on daily. We both took it for granted, but I wanted to reconnect, yet he cheated. And now I dont know if I will ever be able to have "date nights" with him without feeling "cheated", without thinking of his A and imagining that he is picturing her instead of me.

His A has opened my eyes to the fact that he is a broken man and instead of working on our relationship, he took the easy way out and decided to hook up with some skank he met in a bar.


Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. We just say we are better IN SPITE of the A - not because of it.

I don't know how we would have gotten to where we are right now in a different way. I have thought of that. Would we have reached this deeper bond with nightly conversation? Counselling? A vacation for just the two of us? I don't think so. I wish an A was not the "catalyst". But it was.

As humans we are forever asking ourselves,"why did it have to take BLANK, for things to change? A death, a child being bullied, a disaster (natural or otherwise), etc.

The A literally shocked the reality back into us. Painful reality it is. But reality nonetheless. He is confronting his unbeautiful parts and I have my own to face.

Determined to grow more beautiful from this soppy mud puddle.

[This message edited by LA44 at 7:41 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2482 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 34
Pages: 1 · 2

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