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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why am I doing this again?
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
What?  Posted: 11:52 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I feel like this because I am with a serial cheater. I am posting in R because it finally feels like R and all of my WH's actions have been proving that.

We both have found our love languages and are using that to help reconnect which has been wonderful. Just the fact that WH was open to this idea was a huge breakthrough for him.

I really do love my WH and I especially love what he has been doing for our M lately, BUT I always come back to this question, why am I doing this again? Why am I in R again? Is someone who has betrayed me and lied to me over and over again in the cruelest way deserving of second, third, fourth chances? I know most here would say no and here I am giving another chance.

R is so difficult and the part that makes it difficult for me is the constant 180ing of thoughts. I go from being on cloud nine and think my WH is just the bees knees to wanting to D

How long does the back and forth thinking go on for. When do you REALLY know you want to be in the M for good or is this thinking worse for me because I have a serial cheating WH?


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2248 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are going to need quite some time of consistent behavior from him before you can settle down. I don't see anything wrong with your thinking, CBS. You should be careful, watchful, a bit guarded. You can still open yourself up to him and work on your relationship and recovery.

I had two ddays. And I would say it took me at least 3 to 4 years to really accept that his changes were going to stick and that I didn't have to be afraid. But I'm also not the most forgiving or trustful person, lol. 6 years out, he is as solid as he was at the end of the first year, more so, actually.

Time. Consistent forward progress. Time.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 5851 | Registered: Jan 2011
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should be careful, watchful, a bit guarded. You can still open yourself up to him and work on your relationship and recovery.

Thank you for this, it helps confirm that it is okay for me to feel this way. I open up little by little and it scares me because I am not sure if I should be.

really accept that his changes were going to stick and that I didn't have to be afraid. But I'm also not the most forgiving or trustful person, lol.

Yes I think you are right. this is exactly how I am. My WH knows this about me too. I trust no one and now I don't even trust him.

Time. Consistent forward progress. Time.

Right this always seems to be the case ...time ..ugh

And yes the consistent forward progress. So far it has been consistent for 5 months now, not enough for me to feel safe yet.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2248 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 3

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