I hope you will stay with us - for as long as you need - to stay strong and to begin to heal from the betrayals and break up.
I do not usually share this next story - but I want to let you know that I know very well how you feel - wanting to believe he at least loved/cared somehow.
I stupidly fell in love and got married at 17. We had been together 2 years and he was the love of my life (as first loves are.)
Our marriage was doomed from the start, but alcohol and drugs sped up the demise. After only four months, when the same paramedics arrived to take me to the hospital for yet another beating, one of the EMTs discreetly handed me a business card for a women's shelter.
I didn't call the shelter but I did leave him and returned to my mom's home. With the love and support of my incredible mom, I stayed strong and did not contact him.
What killed me was HE DID NOT EVEN TRY TO CONTACT ME.
Here I was crying and devastated because the man who put me into the hospital twice in four months DID NOT EVEN CALL ONCE to see if I was ok, to talk about our M, our Divorce, NOTHING.
I struggled with this for nearly 20 years. (well, that and the lasting effects of having suffered an abusive relationship and all of the self-esteem issues that generates.)
I obsessed over "did he even love me?" "did he ever love me?" "did I destroy my life for nothing? (I had quit school to marry him.)
25 years later...
In a strange conversation with my mom, I mentioned how long I had hated myself and felt so worthless that EX never even called a single time.
My mom got very quiet and said, "Honey, I am so sorry. I had no idea you've been carrying this around for all this time...
HE DID CALL."
I was shocked. Mom told him that if he ever had the balls to EVER contact me in any way shape or form ever until the end of time - she would mortgage her house, turn to prostitution, whatever it took to hire a hit man to bash his brains in with a baseball bat.
I guess she was convincing.
He never called or tried to reach me again.
Even five years after I had left him, when I had finally got around to filing for a divorce, he didn't show up to court.
This is actually not funny, because I remember how I felt (as I imagine you feeling now)... and it took a toll on me for 20 years.
So, here's what I wish someone would have been able to convey to me then...
Honey, of course he cared about you. How could he not? You were good to him. Good for him. But, he didn't appreciate you or love you the way you DESERVE.
Even if he were to fall upon his knees and take a blood oath - and proclaim his love for the entire universe to see - IT IS NOT HEALTHY OR SAFE FOR YOU.
If it makes you feel better to believe he loved you, then let yourself believe it.
Remind yourself though he loved you in his own sick, twisted way. A way that was toxic. A way that was not consistent with a real relationship.
He cared. I guarantee it.
If only due to his NPD, he will care because you (GASP!) dumped him. His ego will care. His pride will care.
I pray he will be so angry that he leaves you alone.
I hope he NEVER, ever calls you.
And, you should, too.
HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please keep posting here.
Please stay strong.
Please hug that little girl inside of you and tell her that she will be okay and mean it.