I think my problem is that I minimise behaviour and accept more and more as time wears on. I always remember what it was like in the beginning and the excitement and just don't leave when it gets bad.

This is typical of someone who is in an abusive relationship.

And like Stockholm syndrome you want the attention from your abuser. Any attention is a good thing... even negative degrading attention is still attention. When you get to a certain point..you crave attention from the person...

Going to go and finish reading now.

Hugs,

K

You are breaking free from an addiction --- him.

We have all been where you are and support your effort.

Please get into IC, it really really helps,, especially if you call a Domestic violence center. You have been abused.
Don't be afraid to tell the IC everything, they have heard it all and will want to help you find ways to move past him.

The reason several of us on here are supporting you so closely is because (I, for one) now have to hand my children over every other weekend BY COURT ORDER to a man did freaky shit to me.

Can you imagine having a 13 year old daughter and have to send her to his house every other weekend while he has freaks around?

Remember, you are breaking free of something very intense because there are good times rolled into the bad times.

It's hard --- hell I was MARRIED for 15 years and I have had to break away just as you are. I wanted to call him every single day and try to figure out how to make him love our family more than the OW. My sons were in despair beyond what I was.

So, I'm not asking you to do what we all haven't had to do. Be strong and really try to give yourself a great life. WITHOUT HIM!

hugs

My husband is capable of tears that would flood Niagara Falls. He can put on an emotional show that will fool most people. He knows exactly the right words to say, when to cry, when to get weak & faint from "emotion" & "despair". The problem is, it's all fake. Fake fake fake. People like my husband, and I'm thinking like this creep you're involved with, put up false fronts. They charm us. Seduce us. They are witty, or funny, or just the right kind of socially awkward that they disarm us. They know how to put on a pretend relationship long enough for us to be fully invested in them.

This makes sense. He seems very intelligent and is INCREDIBLY funny. Would a person who is able to turn on the tears also fall under NPD? I know you must have read a lot about it too and have seen some of your posts on the NPD thread. The weird thing is, is that when I get upset at films or whatever, I have always tried to hide it because I get embarrassed. He however, seems to like to make a point of it. He told me that he was watching the last Harry Potter film the other week and was crying over it.

And then it changes. They let their true selves come out. That's when the nightmare begins for us. Mr. Hyde has come out to destroy us. But when they sense that we're pulling back they trot out Dr. Jeckyll to make it all better. The good doctor only stays long enough to calm us down & placate us, when Mr. Hyde comes back out and is even more of an asshole because of the trouble we put him through.

This also makes sense. When I have tried to break it off before, before I had any suspicions about his fidelity and agreed to stay friends but needed time, he completely changed. We had a more open and honest conversation than what we had ever had. He was saying lovely things that really pulled me back in. Saying he felt the same as me and that he missed me and couldn't eat or sleep.

It's a cycle. It's called the abuse cycle or abuse wheel. When you realize you're caught up in it it's humiliating. At that point I used to deny, minimize, tell myself it's not so bad, tell myself I have to stay for the sake of the children, I have to stay to try and save him, I have to stay because I don't want to fail at marriage, I don't want to be divorced, I don't want to admit failure, I don't want to be middle-aged with three kids and have to start my life over again... I had a thousand excuses as to why I needed to stay in the relationship rather than get out and live an authentic life.

Makes sense also. I'm ashamed of how little self respect I have. The trouble I have is that I read that about 1% of the population is NPD. So I think how could I have met one of these if they are so rare? It's hard to say yes, this is what he is because in a way it seems so far fetched really.

Thank you so much. I do plan to stay here. I'm overwhelmed at how caring everyone is here and it has given me so much strength.

That is a sad story and I can't believe that it affected you for 20 years. Did you end up marrying him? I'm not sure if you are talking about your divorce with him or a different man?

It doesn't help to think that he loved me or cared. I definitely know that he did not love me. I am not sure he's capable. He told me that his past ex went off with some other man because he took to long to tell her he loved her and when he did it was too late. I have no idea what that really means.

What a piece of shit. What a childish, insensitive, disrespectful piece of shit. You deserve so much better.

The trouble I have is that I read that about 1% of the population is NPD. So I think how could I have met one of these if they are so rare?

That's not rare. That means 1 in 100 people. If, as I understand it, NPDs are always looking for people to admire them or to groom, they are the type of people who would be more active in searching out 'victims,' so it is not really so unusual to run across one in your dating years. The NPD thread here on SI is evidence of that!

It's possible, too, that the dating pool may concentrate the number of unsuitable partners, since presumably some of the suitable ones have settled into relationships.

[This message edited by Lyonesse at 12:04 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]