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Newest Member: nadines13 (44587)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Am I making a mistake?
Nogoingback
♀ Member
Member # 38712
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So we are going okay with R, 4 months NC with OC, attending MC and IC. In MC it has come up a lot that WS is not able to comfort me when I'm upset, not because she doesn't care, but because it's so upsetting for her to see me upset that she can't function like she should (eg even when I was giving birth, she was the one in tears pleading for them to give me drugs, I was just getting on with it!).
So our A related conversations are frustrating to her and we don't have them as often as I need although we do have them and she answers questions etc.
I am wondering, is it (the A) really over (mentally too?) and she just doesn't quite support me like I need because it really is all she can give?
Or is it not completely over and, maybe she just doesn't quite "get" everything yet.
If it is option A, does anyone have examples of their WS coming round slowly, but eventually?
I am staying with her because there is real affection between us and it feels very loving most of the time. I think we've got potential to be really happy again.
But I feel uneasy.
Thoughts?


BS 33
WS 31
together 10 years
DD 4/8/2011
EA/PA with co-worker while I was pregnant
Trying to reconcile

"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." Nora Ephron


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS is not able to comfort me when I'm upset, not because she doesn't care, but because it's so upsetting for her to see me upset that she can't function like she should

So our A related conversations are frustrating to her and we don't have them as often as I need although we do have them and she answers questions etc.

This is very much like my WH. But with a very strong difference. My WH went NC immediately, even before I asked (cause initially I threw him out). So he dumped MOW of his own volition on Dday.

My WH was in love with a fantasy and MOW was the focal point of that fantasy. When the rainbow farting unicorn went up in a poof of smoke on Dday he no longer had a use for MOW. In fact, now that he can see reality he is nauseated by her.

It was plainly obvious that WH wanted nothing to do with MOW after Dday.

That being said, my WH has significant FOO issues and his ability to support me was severely stymied. He has a LOT of difficulty coping with someone else's emotions. He doesn't want anyone to have them. He panics. Just like your WS. He recognizes this and is learning that it is not all about him and how to be supportive.

I see a constant upward trend in this ability. The slope is not steep but it is not trending down ever.

So I think the fact that your WS took so long to go NC is disconcerting and supportive of option B.

BUT if her ability to be supportive is trending better (and better than prior to her A) than it may just be that she is overcoming a lifetime of habits to the opposite and it has nothing to do with a lingering desire for her AP.

Have you two figured out WHY she had her A? Does she know what was broken in her? Why were her boundaries and coping mechanisms so bad?

Other questions you need to ask yourself are:

1. Is her ability to support trending up, down or plateauing compared to what it has always been?

2. Why is your gut screaming at you? Why are you not trusting your gut?

You are a remarkable woman to take her back after she betrayed you during your pregnancy. She distanced herself from you during a time that should have been one of the most joyful of your lives.

(((hugs))))


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 829 | Registered: Jun 2012
Nogoingback
♀ Member
Member # 38712
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Josephine85.
Yeah that sounds a lot like my WS, minus the initial fog lifting and the steady upward trend in handling things.
I do honestly believe her when she says she wishes it had never happened and that she loves me, but other than that.... it just feels like not enough, you know? She thinks we're doing well if we have a nice time and it doesn't come up, but it's because I'm not bringing it up, rather than because it's not on my mind.
Can anyone else relate or advise?


BS 33
WS 31
together 10 years
DD 4/8/2011
EA/PA with co-worker while I was pregnant
Trying to reconcile

"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." Nora Ephron


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013
Wonderingwhy11
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree with Josephine85 about WS not being able to support and coping with someone elses emotions. My WH is the same. It was all about him. He would make me feel like I held him back. He convinced himself he deserved the fantasy life until the day I told him to get out after months of suspecting an A and him telling there was nobody. I found out about the A few weeks after he moved back home.
It took almost a year from DDay for WH to start admitting he was the problem and I did nothing to deserve what he did. It took a year and a half since DDay for him to admit the worst days of his life was when I asked him to leave yet he acted for months that he could care less about our marriage. When asked why he acted this way the response was pride and not wanting to give me the upper hand. I was sad to hear that.
My WH also has FOO issues and knowing what I know now I should have ran when I first meet his family. I have come to realize the damage his family had on his views of woman and marriage.
To answer your question it takes a while for WS to come around because it takes a long time for them to face themselves and admit they have been selfish. A lifetime of selfish and insecurities take a while to overcome and only if willing to do so. My WH has changed a lot in the last two years. We have been in MC for almost 9 months and think this what has helped. We both realized we needed MC to overcome the problems and the A. Change will happen if WS willing to go to MC/IC and work on the problems. Sometimes it will seem like it is not working and sometimes it is working. It is a rollercoaster. But you need to see steady improvement for you and WS. It doesn't happen overnight.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
Topic Posts: 4

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