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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is this reconciliation?
What2Thnk
Member
Member # 37863
Default  Posted: 2:26 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is going to IC, something he said he'd never do, he gave me all the passwords, something else he said he'd never do, he tells me that he's sorry every time I talk about how much he hurt me, and he tells me he loves me just about every day...but. There's always a but, isn't there?

Two of the things I told him I needed as conditions of R still have not been done, and it doesn't appear that there's any progress on either one of them and I feel like he's rugsweeping instead of addressing these things. He's starting to be surly and angry again, muttering nasty things under his breath and then denying he said anything. The last time I mentioned it, he was still unwilling to go to MC, although he did say he understands we need to go (just 'not yet'). He's getting impatient about answering my questions, telling me that he 'already answered that' or that he feels like he never gets a break from my interrogations. He told me recently that he still finds OW# 2 more physically attractive than me and if it had been just looks, he would have chosen her. And then there's me.

I don't FEEL loved, no matter how often he tells me that he does love me. I don't feel cherished or special. And I really, really need to feel that way. I go back and forth between being angry and feeling almost nothing. I feel trapped, and weak and stupid for not just packing up and leaving right now. Any time I do enjoy his company, it triggers feelings of self-loathing for my weakness, and then rage. I feel like I've lost so much, and I don't know how to reclaim it.

I don't know what to tell him about how to help me past all this. Sometimes I want to tell him that he needs to start over, win me again with persistence and gifts and insanely romantic gestures. But then I remember that he did that already, for other women, and I feel sick to my stomach thinking about him doing that for me, like I get secondhand lovemaking. But after all the cheating, what isn't secondhand?

I'm confused about what responsibility for R, lies where. How much responsibility do I have to take care of him, because it's my natural inclination after all this time to do that. How much responsibility should I expect him to take in 'steering the ship' of R? What do I do? What will make me start, just start, to feel better? I just don't know.


Me (BS) 42
Him (WS) 43
DD #1 7/19/10 2 year LTA EA/PA w/MOW - HSXGF#1
DD #2 6/6/12 4 mo EA (PA?) w/HSXGF#2
DD #3 12/15/12 3 week EA with random stranger
A whole crapload of gaslighting, minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and TT.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi honey

He's starting to be surly and angry again, muttering nasty things under his breath and then denying he said anything.

My FWH was like this for many years. I honestly forget how long but at least 20. In the few years before dday it became increasingly worse until he was doing it at least 4 or 5 times a week. I always used to try to smooth everything over and placate him.

Whenever I said or did anything he didn't like he would pull this crap.

In the almost 3 years since dday he has done this to me 3 or 4 times. (about once each year!!!)

Each time he has received the same response:

"If you are going to start that crap again, I'll help you pack! If you have a problem, tell me to my face or shut the f..k up!".

I truly think that during the As they learn to be difficult in so many ways. It is how they assuage the guilt. They need to find fault with the BSs to excuse their behaviour.

Not knowing about the As, the BS takes the "silent treatment" or snide remarks or "muttering under the breath" personally. The BS begins to feel that he/she is doing something wrong all the time (while not knowing about the As) and tries to fix things. "Is everything Ok?" "What's wrong?" "Why are you so cranky with me all the time?" etc. The response is often an angry snappy comment or even abuse.

Because there really isn't much wrong. The A is what is wrong.

Once the light is shined on the A the WS has to stop this behaviour. If it is ingrained it may not be immediate. Sometimes it becomes a habit. But it is not acceptable. Never Ever.

It is your job to put your foot down and refuse to accept this.

As for his other behaviour. I really don't know.

I feel trapped, and weak and stupid for not just packing up and leaving right now. Any time I do enjoy his company, it triggers feelings of self-loathing for my weakness, and then rage. I feel like I've lost so much, and I don't know how to reclaim it.

I doubt there is a BS on SI who hasn't felt this way.

Perhaps if you put your foot down in this one problem area of your relationship, then you will feel better.

Small steps honey.

BIG HUGS

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2738 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that it's normal to feel conflicted about R in the beginning. Only you know if this was a deal-breaker for you and time will tell.

Have you done the online quiz to find out your Love Languages? I say this because I was ashamed to admit that "gifts" were part of my love language, but they most definitely are. I get a lot from getting flowers, etc... If gifts will make you feel loved then there's nothing wrong with that, it's a legitimate love language (much to the chagrin of my hippie parents).

Take the quiz if you haven't already. Finding out what my love languages are has made communicating them to my fWH much easier. I'm not ashamed to ask for what I need now. It turns out I'm kind of complex, I need a combination of Affirmation, Physical touch, Quality time and Gifts to feel loved, so don't be surprised what it tells you. It has also helped me understand my fWH's needs. It's been a useful tool.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
What2Thnk
Member
Member # 37863
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When what do you do when your love languages are now also triggers?

[This message edited by What2Thnk at 9:15 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]


Me (BS) 42
Him (WS) 43
DD #1 7/19/10 2 year LTA EA/PA w/MOW - HSXGF#1
DD #2 6/6/12 4 mo EA (PA?) w/HSXGF#2
DD #3 12/15/12 3 week EA with random stranger
A whole crapload of gaslighting, minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and TT.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012
What2Thnk
Member
Member # 37863
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gifts are definitely part f my love languages. They are also a huge trigger. FWH and both OW#1 and OW#2 had gift-giving as intrinsic parts of the A's. In the first case it was the gifts she boughf him. In the second case, it was the gifts and money he gave her. I'm talking thousands and thousands of dollars of gifts including things like trips and computers and help paying for a luxury automobile.

Flowers are one of my biggest trigger, because he bought OW# 2 flowers for Mother's Day before he bought them for me. Then later he bought HER my favorite flowers while we were in MC, but before he admitted to the A.

[This message edited by What2Thnk at 9:14 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]


Me (BS) 42
Him (WS) 43
DD #1 7/19/10 2 year LTA EA/PA w/MOW - HSXGF#1
DD #2 6/6/12 4 mo EA (PA?) w/HSXGF#2
DD #3 12/15/12 3 week EA with random stranger
A whole crapload of gaslighting, minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and TT.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012
What2Thnk
Member
Member # 37863
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - I have called him on it. I actually almost refused to go on a family vacation because he was acting shitty right before we were supposed to leave. But I don't think I SHOULD have to correct that kind of acting ou That behavior makes me feel like maybe he's thinking about cheating again, because it IS how he behaved during the A's. In fact it's what lead me to suspect the second A at all. How much should I be able to expect that he will self-correct?

[This message edited by What2Thnk at 9:22 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]


Me (BS) 42
Him (WS) 43
DD #1 7/19/10 2 year LTA EA/PA w/MOW - HSXGF#1
DD #2 6/6/12 4 mo EA (PA?) w/HSXGF#2
DD #3 12/15/12 3 week EA with random stranger
A whole crapload of gaslighting, minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and TT.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 6

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