..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I really, really wanted to have a bigger family. Because of my age we are in the last few months/year where that was going to be possible and now that is gone too. We were looking for a new house to buy and I had such a clear vision of our happy family in that house. We were a happy family believe it or not . . .
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
But to blindly trust, and allow him to wallow in his own sorrow, does not fix what is broken in him, and he will be much more likely to repeat, or do something even worse in the future. That is certainly no way to live.
he had googled it after his business dinner.
If he googled *that* club specifically, then odds are that they talked about the place at dinner and he *knew* what type of establishment it was.....and one or more of his colleagues may have been there also.
He just searched for strip clubs in general. But the odds of some dumpy, seedy place being *high up* in the search results is slim. The bigger, mainstream clubs would most likely come up way before a place like he described.
Does he travel frequently for his job?
I finally googled it and I believe it is the only strip bar in the town/area he was having his dinner. He said it was the only one in the town and one strip bar came up in that town on my google search so I think I know. No, he doesn't travel for business alot.
It is an incredible amount of personal loss to process in a very short time . . .
[This message edited by cds22 at 8:20 AM, April 26th (Friday)]
I mean, it seems that one would need to be wary of relapse. So, maybe you wouldn't check all the time but after the initial period of rebuilding/counseling etc wouldn't you be wise to check every six months or every year? Some kind of sick version of an anniversary?
I find it hard to believe the checking, verifying, internet snooping etc would or could ever 100% end.
The stripper didn't just stick it in his face. He paid for it. He knew it was going to happen.
More and more lies are coming out. Please be prepared that this went way beyond oral.He is TT-ing you(trickle truth). It's slow torture. he has revealed a little,then come out with more and more,and oh,hey,this wasn't true,etc.
You monitor because you need to be able to verify what he is saying is the truth. It doesn't have to go on forever. A polygraph right away,and go from there. You don't have to poly him again. Once will be enough to know if he is still lying. You can not move forward until you know the full extent of what he has done.
[This message edited by confused615 at 8:34 AM, April 26th (Friday)]
I asked him this morning and he said he just drove by and then he came back into the kitchen five minutes later and said that wasn't true he had googled it after his business dinner. I am very upset he told me that lie to my face and more than anything that has made me doubt him.
I figured he had. What I would want to know is WHAT he googled. Was he looking just for strip clubs? Or was he looking for strip clubs that go the extra mile, so to speak, into prostitution?
The fact that he googled massage parlors is hugely alarming to me.
And I agree that you don't have to check forever. But I think it's pretty obvious right now that he has a problem with lying. He's shown he cannot be trusted to tell the truth. I would check up on him until I was satisfied that his words and his actions are matching up. That's not forever.
As all the others have said previously, I'm sorry that you have to be here but am thankful that you seem to be sincerely trying to figure your situation out.
I'm very new to this site & haven't posted in a while but I couldn't help reading all of your posts as well as the replies thinking this poor girl is still choosing to believe the best about her husband. (Denial) Honey, I have been married 37 years & only recently (2months ago) discovered my husband is a sex addict. I had never even heard that terminology before even tho, I too, am in healthcare. My husband accidentally left his email account open when he left the house one afternoon. When I got on the computer to google something that's when I found the emails to local prostitutes he found on Craigslist complete with meeting times & room numbers. This man had been paying for sex for the last ten years and I can tell you that I was completely blindsided by the information. If I had not seen it with my own eyes I would have denied the very hint of his misbehavior. We had four beautiful children whom he adored. We made it thru the darkest time of our lives when our oldest child died of a brain tumor at the ripe old age of six just after our 4th child was born during the 7th year of our marriage. This man has sat in church next to me every Sunday since we have been together holding my hand as we worshipped. He was the official "greeter" at church and has done many projects around the church grounds in an effort to be of help. When our grandchildren come to town he gets up early & takes them to the doughnut shop so their mommies can get an extra hour of sleep. He's an all around "good guy" who is a sex addict. I am still coping with the trauma of finding out about his secret life of porn & afternoon escapades which were all about what he says was "monkey sex". So you see, there are some very good guys that make some very bad choices. I don't know you but just reading your story on here let me tell you what is screaming at me.
1. I hear how you believe what he tells you because he is just not that kind of guy - I didn't think mine was either.
2. You are making excuses for him ie. "he works long hours", the dancer got too close to his face....He should not have been there
3. This is so out of character -SA transcends all barriers. It does not discriminate.
4. You feel guilty snooping around on his computer or cell phone. - I always did too but now I feel completely stupid for having been so trusting. It was all right there on an app that was accessible at the touch of his finger.
The facts about your husband as I see them are:
1. His porn use has escalated - this is typical. His brain became tolerant to the porn thus he had to start "acting out" to get the same high that he got when he started porn.
2. He obviously scouted out this particular strip club for whatever reason-he knew what he was doing was wrong but was able to reason that he "deserved" it.
3. He made a conscious decision to go inside
4. Once inside he made another conscious decision to go sit down even tho he saw what was going on ie crotch grabbing
5. He made a third conscious decision to purchase a lap dance.
6. The last decision, conscious or impulsive, was to put his mouth on this woman's genitals.
My suspicion echoes those of some of the other women on here in that he is now diverting your attention to the fact he physically incapacitated as a result of guilt so you wont go about any fact finding missions. I dont doubt for a minute he is torn up (maybe depression & guilt but I suspect he is scared to death you might find out more) but, honey don't let it distract you from seeing the train wreck that just happened.
When I found the email on my husband's computer there were several communications from several women. He tried to tell me at first that he merely attempted to meet up with them but nothing really came of it. By the end of the night he told me he had hooked up with one of them, twice. I love my husband & didn't see the need to throw away a 37 year marriage because of a serious lapse in judgment so we started MC. Since all of this started on 2/19/13 truth has trickled out that there have been at least 5 confirmed women over the last 10 years. I am still trying to get full disclosure & he told me last night that he would rather take a bullet to his head than to give me that information. So that's where we are today.
I'm sorry if this has been long & rambling. I'm just begging you to place your trust aside for a while & investigate this matter thoroughly. Don't put a band aid on it. This is not a flesh wound. From what I have learned over the last two months I truly suspect that this is a much larger problem than you want to give yourself permission to believe. Try not to let what he says deter you. You just need the facts. Addicts lie. All of them. Even the nice ones! :(
I hate you are having to go thru this but please, please listen to the advice of those who have already blazed this trail. I too am trying to stay close behind the one in front of me & am paying close attention on how to protect myself as I navigate my way thru this freaking mine field!
Hugs & blessings to you as you find your way too!
Outtanowhere, I am so very sorry for the loss of your child and also the most recent turn of events with your husband.
I appreciate everyone's help.
This is not your fault...any of it.
Sometimes a BS is in a fog. We can usually spot that right away..because many of us have been right where you are...and we are trying to help you by opening your eyes to things you hadn't thought about..because we want to prevent you from being further traumatized.
PLEASE don't feel small or stupid.
You are not stupid, nor are you small. You did what a healthy, well-balanced spouse would do- you trusted and you loved.
He is the broken one, not you. Please do not take his shame- you have done nothing wrong.
My WH is SA. He started with the porn and then went the stripper route also. Porn can escalate to real acting-out with real people-get tested because real people have real STDs-especially sex workers.
Please visit a CSAT. My SAH protected his addiction with every kind of lie. He too was Mr. Church-goer, Mr. Awesome nice guy, Mr. Super dad. But he also had a secret life.
BTW, he is now in recovery and doing very well. It has been a very long journey, though.
peace and hugs to you. -ccg
None of what has happened has one thing to do with you.
I'm worried about the TT that is coming out. First it was all about him being honest with you - then you find he wasn't honest, he lied. This is where the verifying comes in. You want to know you can believe him when he says something.
You don't have to follow up forever. When I found my husband had been emailing Craigslist (completely by accident, mind you, a bounced email showed up in my email box and I read it. To me, it was fate.). It was Christmas day and I was completely devastated. He was being sent out of town for work and he'd been looking for women in his new rural work area. He said it was his work mate who emailed. Said they thought it was funny. (By the way, this is EXACTLY what many other posters here have said their husband's claimed when caught...eery)
I went into search mode. I searched every computer in the house. I searched cars (found strip club receipts that I matched up to dates/times he was "working late" or stayed overnight at work). I monitored what I could (work phone with no texting, but I would occasionally search the calls to/from if I could be alone with the phone).
I still check his email sometimes when I get that feeling that something isn't right. It isn't that all consuming feeling that it once was. My discovery of his infidelity shocked the shit out of him. I laid down the boundaries that I was willing to live with for the rest of my life - he knew I was ready to walk out the door.
It was reading SI that helped me the most. So keep reading. Keep asking questions. And only take what you can use for you then leave the rest.
I pray it wasn't something I said that led to these feelings! As I said I just started this journey myself & only thru the help of IC & the awesome people on this site have I started to realize my new reality & it's every bit as awful and gut reaching as I always imagined it would be! Just go forward with your eyes wide open & listen to the gentle guidance from those who have been there. You are obviously a very intelligent girl & I am impressed at how far you have come in only a couple of day's time! You will figure it out but there's a reason that everyone agrees that it is a hard path! Tedious, grueling, draining but I hear that it brings us to a place of greater understanding & I pray peace. I hope they are right. I'm counting on it!
I feel very small and stupid right now.
(((((HUGS))))) you have done NOTHING wrong and you are NOT small and stupid. At all.
I think you should make it a top priority to do something nice for yourself this weekend. Get a pedicure, a massage, go to a movie you've been wanting to see. Something, anything to be kind to yourself and get your mind off this shit for a while.
I am nothing but appreciative. We consulted two individual therapists, one marital therapist, and the psychiatrist and they all kept on telling me/him/us this mantra of "one time mistake, must move on with the marriage." Well, all of you exposed it to be more than that very rapidly and while this is painful, I am grateful for that. It gives me information I will need to make some hard decisions, it lets me know what treatments we need if we decide to try that route. Thank you.