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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Online Marriage Counseling or Programs?
PeaceLove187
♀ Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H aboslutely refuses counseling and I'm starting to see a lump under the rug where all this is being swept so we have to do something. Has anyone done any online programs? Are any of them any good? Your reviews or recommendations would be greatly appreciated.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 638 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did one and was sorely disappointed. The counselor they assigned me wouldn't share her credentials. The advice from her was the same as what I got here at SI, and SI was better and free. This was through Marriage Sherpa. Don't waste your money on their program would be my recommendation.

Would your H do a Retrouvaille weekend? You don't have to say anything and can keep to yourself for the whole weekend if that is what you choose.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9652 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
PeaceLove187
♀ Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister--I know you've mentioned Retrouvaille before and I could always try to get him there but I have my doubts. First, he's scared to death an outside person may see how messed up he is, although I know that's not what the program is about. Second, I believe Catholic school was one of the things that messed him up and he doesn't have good feelings about the Church. And yes, I know that's not what it's about either.

What he really needs is IC but baby steps here. Maybe if he sees benefits from a low-risk program then he'll move toward IC.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 638 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We do video-counselling with our MC from the comfort of our living room.

Sorry, that's all I got. He doesn't want anyone to see how messed up he is? AA says self-sufficiency was a lie, the A is proof of that. There's no shame in seeking help, every body has problems! Good luck.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
PeaceLove187
♀ Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knowing--I was giving the reason I think he won't go to counseling, not the reason he gives. He claims it doesn't work, but obviously there's more to his refusal than that.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 638 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, phew! That would be really awful if he'd given that reason himself! There's hope then.

Has he ever done therapy? How does he know it doesn't work? Will you make it a condition of R? Or would you be willing to enter into MC with him first to get his feet wet?


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
What2Thnk
Member
Member # 37863
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWH woudn't go to counseling either, and gave the same reason. That's not the reason and you should really think about making it a condition of R. If he is unwilling to fix himself, he's just a dry cheater, and he'll do it again.

Are you giving him conditions of R? Where are your boundaries?


Me (BS) 42
Him (WS) 43
DD #1 7/19/10 2 year LTA EA/PA w/MOW - HSXGF#1
DD #2 6/6/12 4 mo EA (PA?) w/HSXGF#2
DD #3 12/15/12 3 week EA with random stranger
A whole crapload of gaslighting, minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and TT.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not an online program, but it's something you can do from home and was very beneficial to H and I. IMAGO therapy from Dr. Harville Hendrix is amazing! It has all the dialogue elements that Retrouvaille does, but it also has the follow through and self exploration and resolution that Retrouvaille lacks.

You can get all the books online at someplace like Amazon, you can get the books and their partner workbooks (highly recommend both). I bought the entire set of ALL of his books and workbooks for around $65 delivered to my door just about 3 years ago or so. The books have titles like "Receiving Love" "Giving Love" and "Getting the Love you Want". I believe he also has some DVD's on his website that will help you through the process, but I don't know about those at all.

And, if you don't want to commit to buying them, you can also pick many of those books up at the library.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
PeaceLove187
♀ Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DoesItGetBetter--thank you so much. That program sounds perfect and I'll look into it today.

Knowing--We went to family counseling for my daughter when she turned into an alien-abducted teenager, and the counseler fired him because he couldn't or wouldn't focus and kept going off on unrelated tangents. So I suspect IC would be a waste unless he's sincere about it but also I know I won't leave him over refusing so why nag? His prognosis makes our situation just a little bit different (I know, everyone says they're different!!).


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 638 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
PeaceLove187
♀ Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WhatToThink--I do have boundaries and they were put into writing but IC wasn't a requirement for several reasons. We had a few bumps in the beginning when he stepped at least a toe across the line but he's observed them perfectly since then. I'm convinced his heart is in R, not only because he loves me but also because he wants to go out of this world as one of the good guys.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 638 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 10

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