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Newest Member: Ladyinpain (45447)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Confronting Tomorrow. Could use advice
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending all kinds of positive thoughts your way.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
mysticpenguin
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((careerlady)) hoping everything is going well!

For what it's worth you sound like a catch. Focus on that and hold tight to it when the going gets tough.


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I did it. It's so sad. He was so defeated. He said he accepted full responsibility and basically that he knew his family was going to end any day so he got involved with this new OW to cope (the affair did start a few days after the court case by my sleuthing). He also said the 4 year old was not proven by paternity but would have been conceived when he got really drunk for his birthday because I had sent him separation papers which was the worst day of his life. He agreed to whatever terms I want and that I can have all the money and furniture, etc. he also said he'd help me be in the new house without him.
It made me sad. Almost wanted to offer R but can't go through the whole NC and checking up again plus the friends and family I told we were going to D. I just don't know at this point if I should meet with my boss and tell him I want to run to SoCal or if I should get the house we have being built. There is already 100k of equity in it. There are also 4br I could even put Stbx is one so he'd have somewhere to live. At the end of the year we could sell for a big profit to split. Or should I just try to run and lose the 11k we have in it. We should tell them to stop building the house soon to avoid liquidated damages. What do you ladies think?


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Haphazard
♀ New Member
Member # 32204
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just don't know at this point if I should meet with my boss and tell him I want to run to SoCal or if I should get the house we have being built. There is already 100k of equity in it. There are also 4br I could even put Stbx is one so he'd have somewhere to live. At the end of the year we could sell for a big profit to split. Or should I just try to run and lose the 11k we have in it. We should tell them to stop building the house soon to avoid liquidated damages. What do you ladies think?

hugs to you for being so brave. You have to think of yourself and your baby... If it were me I'd keep the building going rather than lose money especially if you can make a profit at the end of the year. I wouldnt be even worrying where STBX is going to live ...thats his problem and I certainly wouldnt invite him to live in a spare room..that will be hell on earth for you.


Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2011
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs))) I'd second finishing the house and then selling for a profit. There's no reason for you to loose more money when you're looking at paying for a divorce.

I'd suggest filing ASAP and getting what he's agreed to on signed paper as quickly as possible. When they are feeling guilty, they tend to want to agree to anything to assunge their shame, but the longer they have to start justifying to them selves, the less they are willing to honor their words.

I'm so sorry. Please take this weekend to try to take care of yourself.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
918Mama
♀ Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^totally agree with Skan. Keep the house, make the profit. Hell, rent him a room if you want. But file, get it all in writing and legal in the meantime. That way, if you have a moment of weakness, you're legally protected.


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 597 | Registered: Dec 2012
Safeguard
♀ Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also think you should keep the house. Your wh using ow to sooth his distress is disconcerting. Sounds like an excuse to me, but if not, how long has he been doing that?!

If you rent him the room, will you fall for his pity plea? You seem undecided about R.


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks ladies. Keeping the house would be a financial stretch and I realized I do want to go to SoCal so I decided to give it up. Another casualty. STBXH was not happy, made it real for him when I emailed the house people and cced him. Now working on divorce papers on ourdivorceagreement.com, hoping to get him to sign before he changes his mind about my terms.

I actually do wish we could R because we've been together so long and our precious son is involved. But he needs IC yet doesn't see the point of it and so many flaws have crept into our marriage (we argue about stupid stuff, he isn't helpful around the house, etc).

My mom says I should offer him a deal that if he goes to IC and follows me to SoCal we'll do MC and see if we can make it work. In the meantime I'd still file for divorce to get all those terms he agreed to and to force the issue. I will offer it but would be shocked if he put in that much effort, he's more the giving up and wallowing in misery type. Sure would be great to have a 2 parent loving household for my son rather than bickering and cheating or being a single mom, but we'll see. Might have to recruit a new father figure if he's not up to the task.


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh by the way glad I didn't confront OW. He is of course saying she's just a friend he confided in because he was worried about me divorcing him when I found out about OC. Part of his friend argument is that she's got a hotshot boyfriend. So she would have lied through her teeth...


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Safeguard
♀ Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well color me impressed! My hat is off to you!

Such clarity of though is hard to come by, in times when pain can often cloud one's vision.


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
I think I can
♀ Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so incredibly hard, and you are doing what you need to to take care of you and your son. Yet I know you are hurting badly. ((careerlady))


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8834 | Registered: Jan 2008
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Might have to recruit a new father figure if he's not up to the task.

And this is why I say to move to SCal.

I have stayed in this town bc I wanted my children to keep their friends and routines.But, here I am w/o my family and awesome relatives who would take my children under their wing and teach them respectfulness, etc. Instead they get a weekly dose of hate regarding me from their father and his slut.

Get all in writing asap!
Maybe he will follow you to SoCal and even if you don't get back together maybe he will become a whole person thru therapy.

Also, I have a friend here whose husband is really being a strong support for my sons, taking them fishing, etc. So they are learning, but I hate to take time from his children for mine. I SHOULD HAVE MOVED BACK TO FAMILY>


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jan 2012
918Mama
♀ Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am super impressed!!

You go with your bad self career lady!!

Look at all your mojo! :-)


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 597 | Registered: Dec 2012
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she's just a friend he confided in because he was worried about me divorcing him when I found out about OC.

after dday, i discovered a recent fishing attempt from my XH to his first EA partner. at the time he said, "i was so upset about OW/OC that i tried to contact her for a sympathetic ear...i figured she was the only person who wouldn't judge me. i didn't have anyone to talk to."

based on the relatively subtle email he sent, i called bullshit and his email a booty call. he admitted later he was hoping she'd respond and screw him...cuz, you see, he never screwed her the first time around but felt like he "got punished for it anyway." might as well make it worth it, right?

hey, fucktard, go ahead and seek solace in your sick, salacious, self-serving symnpathy session with a sleazy sack-sucking slut.

(despite the advice of my lit teacher, i've never been able to forsake my love of alliteration.)

[This message edited by stretch13 at 6:28 PM, April 28th (Sunday)]


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too late. Already changed his mind. Apparently though he works from home he might make director in 6 months or so in which case he'd have to be in N Cal and doesn't want his son to grow up without him. So not allowing a relocation and my lawyer already said move aways are 50k plus. So I guess I'm staying.

Might as well get the house but still file and not let him live with me though he'll have to help with childcare. He now wants to do counseling and have me not file, not sure I even want him. I'll let him go to individual counseling if he's still motivated after I file and if we are not doing well in MC (cause he did well in IC and passed lie detector) by the time we are divorced then oh well. Really sad about my SoCal dreams but I would definitely fight for DS if I was in his shoes so can't blame him...


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Hurt2Deeply
♀ Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sent you a private message.


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R

Posts: 105 | Registered: Jan 2013
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry careerlady.

I do have to ask...
Why do you hold him to such a low standard?

Might as well get the house but still file and not let him live with me though he'll have to help with childcare.

He will have to help more than just childcare.... Child support plus 1/2 of childcare.

He now wants to do counseling and have me not file

Of course that is what he wants. The longer he can keep the status quo the more opportunity to work on you to stay in the relationship on HIS terms.

After everything that he has put you through he wants to dictate/negotiate the terms of R? He should be crawling accross glass right now. He is showing you who he is. Believe him.

Stay firm on your boundaries and requirements. He needs A LOT of work. He has to prove it to you each step of the way. Do not get sucked back in by his words. Watch what he does and not what he says.

I am sorry that you are stuck up there.


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm hearing a lot of he is sorry about this, not that he is sorry for what he has done multiple times, he is more concerned about his way of life coming to an abrupt halt.

He is trying to manipulate you into letting him continue to cakeeat.
Filing will put an end to that, and knock his butt right off that fence he so enjoys sitting on.

He "Could" be a director in 6 months. Not he is guaranteed a Director in 6 months. He has a skewed way of looking at things. I would count on this as much as I would count on him being honest.

This may sound a bit harsh, but I seriously think you need to take a step back and get a good look at the whole picture.

(((( and strength ))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry not sure how to quote

Redrock holding him to a low standard cause I'm still hoping for full custody and can't get child support without paying alimony. So helping with child care is all I would want. He's not negotiating any terms of R, was just saying what he wanted. Not compromising this time and would only consider R for my little one's sake IF he went to IC and I liked his attitude.

Tush nurse - it's not that I believe he'll be director, it's the reason he's giving for not allowing us to move. Still going to file, just can't legally take the baby to SoCal...I don't think he's sorry yet, I think he feels it's all understandable because first it was his childhood then he thought he'd lost me, blah blah...


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Career - Sorry I misunderstood from your post.

I am glad that you have been able to stay so strong in this. You certainly have your priorities right, and that is your baby and yourself.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 43
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