However, during that time, we were also taking active steps to end the marriage, and I was a fanatic about looking for a house. We met with a mediation attorney and then had long, uncomfortable conversations about custody and asset division so that we could spend as little on the lawyer as possible.
Here's the other thing-- STBX continued to pay for everything while my paycheck went into my own bank account so that I could save it up. Because of that, I still did his laundry, bought what he wanted from the grocery store, cooked dinner for him, etc. I only did those things because he was paying for all of the attorneys' fees, food, housing, kids' needs, anything I wanted (like the new wallet and purse I bought for myself, thank you very much). We agreed upon that arrangement, but that doesn't work for everyone. If your WH is messing with the money or being otherwise unhelpful, he should be doing his own laundry, shopping, and cooking.
The important thing to note is that if you've realized that the A was a dealbreaker, and you're done, then you need to be using this time to take steps to end things. You need to visit a lawyer and see what you're entitled to. I won't even mention anything else-- just take this first step. Even if you never file, at least you've been informed of what your options are. If you do find that you want to file, then you've gotten the ball rolling toward a D.
"see, this is why and how your dad drives me from our home"
Then storm out with theatrical acumen Hollywood would envy, just so she could run to the OPOS adultery nest making me the "bad guy", and be gone for a few days of wearing out her crotch. Total gaslighting, lying B.S., but that was how it was for this lying whore.
So glad to be out of that mess, and hope very soon my D is settled. When you are done, you are done, and perhaps filing for D with a nice bit of alimony pendente lite could be a way to get the ball rolling? Even in the best of times with IHS, she would bitch if I engaged her, and bitch if I ignored her... There was no in between, I slept in my own bed for many months, and totally ignored her as best I could only cooking for me and DD, etc.
I truly wish you the best of luck, and hope your therapist knows what the hell they are talking about. So many play the "lets blame the BS", or make the BS do all the fixing, in an attempt to woo back the poor WS who's needs were not met. Again, pure bullshit!
The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...
You mention "until you figure everything out" but also mention wanting to leave and take your kids.
How certain are you that divorce is the best option for you?
Personally, I am a big believer that we only get one life, and we should try to enjoy that one life as best we can.
If you are certain you want to divorce, my recommendation is to try to get truly separate homes as soon as possible so you can really begin detaching and healing.
When I was in house separated, I knew when he'd stay out and come home late, I'd try to check his phone when he was out running, I kept up a sliver of hope that the man I'd loved for 13 years was somewhere in there and would come back to me.
Once I was in my own apartment, I had the space I really needed to heal.
I truly believe that in house separation is a special kind of hell and should be avoided at all costs. (And Tryingagain is my in house separation hero as I have no idea how she [you] lasted so long while maintaining sanity!)
Is your counselor a "save the marriage at all costs" kind of counselor, or does s/he try to achieve the best outcome for you? I credit my divorce counselor for helping me over the last humps of resisting his reconciliation attempts.
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
I am on the other side of the spectrum from Shockleader. My WW thinks or thought I was going to be best friends with her. She had a 3 yr LTA and previous A several years prior and I am supposed to still be her best friend helping her pick out stuff for her new house and chatting it up all the time. Not going to happen. So while we are cordial for the kids I just get irritated because while she is no longer in her A fantasy world she is in her moving out and remaining best friends fantasy which I am having none of. To this day SHE is pissed with me because "I" don't talk to her. I wonder why...must be nice in the land of no consequences.
We are able to be civil for the kids but I am literally counting the days and now that I have a light at the end it seems to be taking forever. I do my own laundry, cook my own food even though she still cooks for the kids. We pretty much do our own thing and glare at each other when the kids aren't around. It sucks and the bad part is my year of seperation doesn't officially begin until she moves out.
in my state there are soem speicifi things you avhe to follow to do legal in-house seperation. The lawyer said it wasn't even worth doing if my WW was going to move out. She suggested just waiting till she moved out to start the clock if we coudl manage. We chose to do this so the move would fall during the summer months so the kids could try to start adjusting to us being apart and the weekly shuffling without having to worry about school for a few months.
See a lawyer to figure out what your options are. Your WH was the selfish one and he destroyed your family with his A. Do what you feel you need to do. Don't let him lay the guilt trip on you. He was the one that messed up not you. He may also be trying to convince you not to leave so he doesn't have to pay for child support and spousal support.
I hope that your IC helps. You've certainly given your WH a very generous chance at R. Don't beat yourself up if this is a dealbreaker for you.
Phmh, the way i'm feeling right now is that i want to leave but i'm truly scared of the outcome of how it will affect our 7 & 9 yr old sons.
An oft-repeated saying is that it's far better to come from a broken home than to live in a broken home.
Kids are so much more perceptive than we give them credit for. Tryingagain hit the nail on the head -- you don't want them to think that what you're modelling for them is normal or what they should strive for. If your husband is calling you selfish for thinking about leaving (even if he doesn't say it in front of the kids) it is almost certain that your kids are feeling the contempt he has for you. If he were serious about R and becoming the partner you need, and the dad his kids need, he wouldn't even think of saying such a thing to you.
I know it's a tough decision, and only you can make it, but think about the impact that staying has on the kids as well. When I cared enough to think about it, I used to wonder if my XWH would have cheated had his parents divorced and his father modeled a good relationship for him, instead of staying in their dysfunctional marriage filled with abuse, felonies, and hate.
You definitely don't want to stay for the children
That was actually what made me file. Ex began making his typically comments (belittling me or comments about other women as sexual objects) in front of our children. It made me sick. I had been tolerating that abuse on my own but I drew my line with out kids. Its best the children grow up without observing a dysfunctional marriage.
our in house was totally separate live while we got our children prepared for the separation ironed out our finances and organized our new two parent household.
How am i going to make the final move if i can't even leave for the weekend? struggling so so so hard!!!!!!
one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. You can, and you will! :)
Three yrs?! wow.
What has been going on in those long yrs, that has not allowed you to heal?
I didn't even begin to heal until I told him he HAD to move out (I have the kids). Wouldn't repeat that mess for anything. Please get out.