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Newest Member: gloumama (44930)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: "If I don't hear from you by _____, I will assume ________"
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Target  Posted: 1:17 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang around SI long enough and you will learn this skill to use on the xws.
Question today; You used this on xws for an issue regarding kid scheduling only. He responds to that with "Stop bullying me! You must cease and desist this behavior immediately!!!! This has been documented and I am telling my lawyer."

Is ["If I don't hear from you by _____, I will assume ________"] considered a bullying tactic by regular, sane, non-disodered people?
I also wonder if anyone else has used this skill and had a response where the other person told you this type of sentence is bullying behavior.
In my opinion it's just being assertive and boundary-enforcing.

Posts: 4703 | Registered: Dec 2009
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, this is not bullying; this is asserting a boundary. Unless you are asking for a major decision within 2 seconds, this would not be considered bullying at all. "If I don't hear from you by Sunday evening at 6 p.m., I will assume you are not picking up Becky at ballet class on Wednesday May 1." After all, you need time to put together a Plan B, right.

He can tell his lawyer all he wants (and pay for the privilege).

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29610 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am telling my lawyer!

Why? Isn't his mommy answering his phone calls any more?


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right and I wrote response within 5 days which is not unreasonable.
He otoh expects replies within two hours. If he doesn't receive one he will (unfairly and unethically) tell the children "Ask your Mom to check her email." or "Has your Mom checked her email yet?"
Double standard AND involving the children .
It just feels defeating and powerless in that I feel powerless to do anything about this isssue.

Posts: 4703 | Registered: Dec 2009
Snapdragon
♀ Member
Member # 4286
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmmm.... then I guess I am being bullied by all of my utilies, credit card company, morgage holder, car note holder, etc. I must pay by xyz date or they will shut off my service, foreclose my house or repossess my car.

I have a suggestion about his email demands. Put an automatic outgoing message on your email that states "Email is not read on a daily basis. Therefore, please do not expect a response for 2 - 4 days." or something along those lines.


Divorced - recovered and hoping to help.

"We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again" ~Pink


Posts: 3080 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Midwest
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he's a bully trying to bully you by calling you a bully? What the...?

Can you see how ridiculous that is? He's got nothing... NOTHING... to work with, so he's just making stuff up. I agree, let him "tell his lawyer." I, for one, doubt he ever had any intention of doing so; rather, he doesn't like not being in charge so he's trying to make you go back in "your place" by threatening you. Like a bully would do.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the only way a normal person could construe this to be bullying would be if your statement were unreasonable, i.e. "If I don't hear from you in the next thirty minutes, I will assume you want to terminate all your parenting rights and double my child support."


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13738 | Registered: Jul 2011
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I use this technique all the time at work when I am dealing with a person who is non-responsive, evasive with their answers, or unable to communicate clearly.

No way that can be construed as bullying, assuming as Ama pointed out, that the timeframe is reasonable for him to respond if he doesn't agree.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25309 | Registered: Aug 2011
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think both the time frame and the assumption need to be reasonable.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13738 | Registered: Jul 2011
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I use this at work too and variants of it..."Could you please provide me with (insert what you need here) by (this date)." I find it very effective way to get shit accomplished and I've clearly stated what I need and when I need it by.

ETA: I used this on ex-shat last year when I was trying to get some dates out of him for Christmas visitation...he was also very annoyed at the tactic. I suppose because it's irritating having your former cook, secretary, cleaning lady (etc) start laying down the rules.

[This message edited by tesla at 7:45 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4620 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Snapdragon -- you had me laughing out loud. I am sorry that you have so many bullies in your life


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3354 | Registered: Dec 2011
hoya96
♀ Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have used this with ex as he will often "ignore" e-mails. To my recollection, he hasn't used it with me (then again, I tend to respond in a respectful timeframe) but if he did, I certainly wouldn't view it as bullying or antagonistic...I would view it as him clearly communicating his planned behavior.

Which would be refreshing, actually.


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 325 | Registered: Jun 2010
Snapdragon
♀ Member
Member # 4286
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, as I think about this concept further, I have actually encouraged "bullying" in my life. Or I have been the bully. I can't decide which. You decide.

For example, my boss says, "Snapdragon, can you please put together an analysis of xyz for me?" My response? "Sure, Boss, I can do that. What is the deadline? Please remember that I am also working on that other project for you, so let me know where I should focus my time." Yep... I'm bullying my boss - or asking to be bullied... I can't tell the difference. Can you?

It's all about power and control. Removing as much of that from the ex is a nice side effect. But the ultimate goal is to just get decisions made so that life can be organized. Sheesh...


Divorced - recovered and hoping to help.

"We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again" ~Pink


Posts: 3080 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Midwest
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did this with my XH, Otherwise NOTHING regarding my kids would get accomplished.

If I slipped and sent an email without this.. he would never answer. And deadlines to sign kids up for activities, camp, fieldtrips... would pass.

When I brought it up to my attorney- She suggested this tactic. It worked for me. I gave him at least 48 hours notice on any decision he had to make. I also put a tracer on the email so I knew when the email was opened. Because that became an issue also at one point he denied ever seeing it.

You aren't bullying him.... although it sounds like he is bullying you.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5069 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some of these WS' I always imagine by using the old Goofus and Gallant from Highlights Magazine.


Will Get By timely informs of a meeting, and asked for a response by XXX date.


WGB's Husband throws a fit and makes a demand, threatening to tell his mommy err.... Lawyer.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
FirstLoveGone
♀ Member
Member # 25957
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's throwing a freaking temper tantrum. It's his dime if he wants to send your email to his lawyer. FTG.

You are giving him a very reasonable amount of time to get back to you. You are also not using any threatening or demanding language. He's mad because you're setting boundaries. He's throwing a hissy fit.

What an ass.


Posts: 1269 | Registered: Oct 2009
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOL I use this tactic all the time with my xwh as well, it's the only way he will respond to an email. I get sick of hearing "I haven't had time to read that email yet" When he gets them on his mobile phone.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1331 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Mack9512
♀ Member
Member # 38619
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I use this tactic all the time. I believe that it doesn't enter the realm of bullying until you tell them that they have cooties after giving them a wedgie and swirly.


"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

Posts: 396 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Funny  Posted: 7:37 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing is he replied in a reasonable about of time with something like "I wish to have the girls on weekend xyz". This was because my original email was offering make up visitation that he missed. (missed visit was due to a lie he told why he "had" to cancel but whatever)
It wasn't until few days later that he sent the email that my tactic was a bully move.
Instead of ignoring it (which would have probably been better choice on my part) I wrote back cordially saying "sorry you feel that way. I need a reply within 5 days or I may not be able to accommodate your request."

Posts: 4703 | Registered: Dec 2009
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why? Isn't his mommy answering his phone calls any more?

It is not bloody bullying (provided it is a reasonable time frame) - its a way to AVOID drama. Communicating clearly and setting clear parameters and expectations.

I use this and monster sometimes uses it on me. It doesn't offend me at all - actually I prefer it. It helps me understand what my timeline is for responding.

They do squeal like toddlers, don't they?

monster has the police on speed dial to report me for god knows what. There was one time I'm pretty sure he went in to tell them "My X wife is not nice to me or my GF!!".

Then there was the AVO he told me he was going to get because I responded to his multiple emails in an exchange about introducing his 24 year old GF to my then almost 5 and 2.5 year olds (back before I hardcore NC). There were no threats, the emails were solicited by him - he bothered the police because it hurt his widdle feewings.

Unbelievable that these idiots can take up so much police time.

I still giggle at my closing line: "Go try to get your AVO you loser, it would complete the picture".

I think he has realised the police can't stop someone from not respecting your "authori-tay" (ala South Park).

A cop friend of mine told me they are very professional when dealing with these clowns but that they all piss themselves laughing once they've left. Here they are dealing with real crime and really awful situations, then they get this lower muppet bleating about a few emails basically saying "wake up to yourself you bloody idiot!".

I'm guessing your Xs letter to his lawyer would go something like:

"Dear lawyer, please find enclosed PROOF that my XW is not only reasonable and courteous but she is also efficient. I object to being deprived of my opportunity to show off some new fuckery and behave like a complete and utter douchebag, whorebonking, fucktard of the lower muppet variety. She is depriving me of my ego kibbles and I won't stand for it!!. Yours, XH

I'm in fits of laughter just imagining a judge's raised eyebrows atop a completely incredulous face... resisting the urge to say "O....M.....G.....".

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 10:02 AM, April 26th (Friday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5557 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 23
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