I am focused on being the best parent I can be, but am worried because my husband has been so cold toward me. I'm not sure how he expects we will co-parent together...especially because he hasn't even adequately addressed what he's done to me. He has only emailed me a few times in the last month, and is using it (I’m fairly certain) for purposes of documentation only regarding his “concern and interest” in his unborn son. I am so hurt by the way that this once (not long ago) loving and caring man could do all of this to us. I miss him terribly (though I wish I did not).
I went back to our home (which is in his name) one month ago, and found evidence (sexually explicit love letters…dated in Dec and Feb) from our “friend,” also mentioning their “future and family” together. I was shocked, because despite my gut feeling that their relationship had crossed a line, I thought that my husband was in a "crisis" of sorts. I never thought him capable of an affair. I contacted his mother and told her, as she had wondered if there was another woman in the past. It seemed like she actually became upset with me. I have not heard from her since, and she accused me of being “vindictive” for taking our dog and my furniture. I was shocked to say the least. I received an email from my spouse the next day stating that he thinks our relationship was “negative and unhealthy” and that he and his “friend” have a “loving, supportive, respectful, and healthy relationship that is a model to our son.” He also wrote that I need to look at “my role” in this situation. I was more than insulted, to say the least. I believe he intends to marry her, and she seems to have practically moved into our home. I’ve seen pics of them on Facebook volunteering for an organization and he looks so happy. I also saw one of her holding her daughter that I believe he took while they were on a hike together. They have each since deleted their accounts (My spouse did so the day he said he wanted a divorce in Feb, and his mistress deleted her account after my best friend decided to post one of her letters on FB…to which I had no involvement in. Needless to say, his siblings deleted me from their list of friends, without even contacting me about anything.). I love his family and can't believe they haven't even contacted me. I can't imagine how they expect they will be involved in my child's life at this point.
I can't believe this has happened. We just got married and were in love (or so I thought). I had no indication that he may have been unhappy. His co-worker also used to supervise him when he was a student 5-years ago. I really believe he looks up to her. I know she was unhappy in her own marriage. She ended up leaving her own husband (who served as an usher in our wedding) at the start of Nov. It was the following week that my husband came home and told me how unhappy he was in our new marriage. I suspect their physical relationship started sometime in Sept (which is awful to know because he was still loving toward me). She has 2 small kids who I have babysat in the past and we used to vacation together. She even offered to throw me a baby shower and lent me maternity clothes.
I feel so sick to my stomach this happened. This should be the happiest time of our lives. Now I am 2000 miles away from my husband and he wants nothing to do with me…and we are soon having a child together. I would never even have planned to get pregnant if I knew this was possible (though I am happy to be having this child). I believe this woman has a tremendous hold over my husband. He has a history of dysthymia (large amount of low self-esteem) and has been taking Prozac for years. I am beyond heart broken. As pathetic as it sounds, I would want him back if he wanted to move close to me, sever contact with her, and work on things. I’m wondering if anyone thinks there would be hope? I can’t understand how he doesn’t love me anymore. He thinks he was “codependent” with me, despite me having a job and supporting myself…and trying to have an “equal” relationship with him. Doesn’t his relationship with her seem “co-dependent?”
I’m not sure how to handle interactions with him now. I sent him 2 email responses that cited his lack of morals, my concern about his judgment related to our son, my concern about "her" depravity, and my desire for him to be an active parent to our child. They were fairly emotional emails (though not threatening in the least, because that's not me), and he just responded in a businesslike manner--only addressing our son in his responses, but nothing about our marriage. He wrote that he no longer thinks it is “productive” to discuss our relationship. He has closed the door on us entirely to be with her. Again, I know it’s probably pitiful, but I do want my husband back. This is just not him and I don’t understand any of it. (FYI—his father left his mother for a couple of years because he developed an “emotional” relationship with another woman when my husband was a child…his parents worked through it and are still married. My husband thinks they should have divorced to spare him and his siblings any pain.)
How could he cut me out of his life so easily? Is there any hope at all? How do I manage his email correspondence (should I be businesslike, or caring…which is all I know to do with him)? How do I handle him being around when our son is born (he is coming to visit soon)? Should I confront him (we have not spoken since I found evidence of his affair) or be cool toward him? What if he decides to bring her? How can I co-parent with him in 2-weeks after he has been so cruel to me and lied to me so much? I am so used to loving this person and fully was committed to spending our lives together and caring for him. How do I start to heal from this when I will soon have the child we planned together and he will likely be contacting me more (fyi…he has not called me in a month)? I am so scared that he will ruin the joyous birth of our son for me as he has ruined my pregnancy with stress due to his either cruel or cold demeanor (I went to the ER 3x). I do not want anything to adversely affect our child--or interfere with my husband's relationship with our son. But won't our son grow up seeing how his father treats me, as well (if his treatment of me remains the same)? Worse still, what if he DOES MARRY this woman? He's known her years and I suspect he will try to legitimize their relationship by doing so.
I apologize for the length of this post and if I skipped around too much. There’s just a lot here, and I am looking for a local therapist to help me work through this pain. Thanks in advance for any feedback you may have to offer!
[This message edited by tulie at 3:53 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]
Take care of yourself and that baby.
This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!
I'm overwhelmed by my need to hug you and ease your pain AND to kick your H in the ass! He behavior is over-the-top-cruel particularly since you will be welcoming your first child soon.
As for advice - get a lawyer, right away. Your H has already done some seriously shady stuff - the outright lies, ousting you from the house & relocating you - who knows what else is going on? You do not have to file for D, but an attourney will be on your side and will explain your rights to you. Also, it will put your H on notice that he's not gonna get away with any more of his tricks. Even if you don't feel like you want a D - you still need legal council to protect the rights and future of your baby.
My other advice is to read the articles in the Healing Library (that little yellow box in the upper left - particularly those dealing with BS and 180). You will learn so much there but most importantly that you are not alone - and you never will be because of the wonderful people here on SI.
As for communicating with your H - you said he hasn't actually spoken to you in a month?! I would keep it focused only on finances and the pregnancy/baby (this goes with the 180). Although I totally understand that you are emotional and hurting and trying to get through to him on some level - that man is gone and has been replaced by a monster...don't offer one speck of your heart or mind to that monster!
(((tulie))) I'm so sorry for all you are going through! This guy is a beast and the OW is a willful homewrecker - my god! she was part of your wedding! I know you are feeling confused and overwhelmed by the betrayal and at the same time you are about to welcome your first baby. I'm sure it all feels like too much, but you are doing the right thing in putting your baby's needs and health first (as well as your own!!) Please continue to post here often, the people are wonderful and can help you carry this burden.