Fuck, I'm crying right now just typing about crying.
I just want to have a good cry and go to sleep.
Now I'm going to go brew a cup of tea. While I cry.
I wish I could identify where these tears are coming from. Other than just being overwhelmed & scared because I have no money, not even to pay my lawyer.
Going to go brew that tea now...
I feel paralyzed by it all, so I completely understand your feelings right now.
(((A million hugs)))
As for the money, bills, etc. Make a list, pay what you can, make arrangements on the rest.
Are the shoes absolutely necessary right NOW? If not, let that go for now. You give your children love, shelter, safety, food - that's really all they need right now.
Don't give STBX your power. He cannot take it if you don't give it to him.
Sending you strength and peace.
p.s. Set a certain amount of time and just cry your eyes out - get it all out and then take some deep breaths and start fresh. I used to cry in the shower - it was nice because no one can hear you and you are wet anyway.
Oh, yeah, the support shit. I guess that's part of it too. See? I can't remember anything.
Sipping tea, sipping, sipping, taking a breath...
Things happen to us when we've lived through horror. Some of us shut down and retreat from the world, others of us remain thinking, feeling human beings.
I have had stress reactions like this about things in my life too. Its like you go to Code Red straight away because you lived under Code Red for so long it becomes a reflex.
You should not have to see him. Its awful and horrible and stressful and it should NOT be this way but it will pass and there is an other side.
Whatever happens when its all over you will be out of this limbo and you'll know exactly where you stand. You will be able to steer your own ship knowing exactly what your position is financially.
You are not competing with that psycho. He is competing with you - he knows there is NO competition but that won't stop him trying. You are the loving, kind, present, interested, nurturing parent. You are the one they will want in their lives beyond childhood.
You've got this NG. Sending you mamma lion strength today. And more hugs than you can stand.
It is okay to cry. This doesn't make you weak. This makes you a kind, loving, compassionate human being. Just remember how far you have already come. It takes someone with a ton of inner strength to stand up for themselves. You are one strong mama. You will get through this.
Limbo 1 month
False R 2 months.
Status: Divorce on hold
I am here to hold you up as you have held me up in these hard days.
We all have to get the hurt, anger and loss out of our system.
Remember that your SAWH is fighting just to fight, to see if he can break you. Let all your crying out now, before the trial.
On trial day, make sure you have all your emotions in check. Wear a stength ring, or pull out that paper of what he did to you and get mad.
My SAWH spent $45k on his lawyer so the judge could tell him all along that I was getting CS, 1/2 his wealth because of a 20 + year marriage and I am the custodial parent and I have a good paying job.
Let him try. Its his NPD showing thru, and you know what else your SAWH is going to find out that the law says the income in both houses must be "equalized to what the children were accustomed to when you were together".
Take heart, all will be well.
My sincere prayers are with you. God will provide, he is on your side and knows the truth.
[This message edited by torn2bits at 5:23 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]
Everything you describe is because of STRESS - it is killing you. Figure out what works for you to relieve stress. Google ideas - there are a lot of cheap and easy, healthy things - yoga breathing, long walks, playing with pets, something fun with kids, a glass of wine or hot chocolate, etc. You need a period of time to focus on nothing but relaxing, then get a good night's sleep and go from there. You're locked into this cycle of stress and you need to find a way to give yourself a breather. Seriously, it's really important for your mental and physical health. Call a friend, get a sitter, take care of YOU.
[This message edited by kernel at 5:31 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]
Sweetie, your post just broke my heart. I wanted so badly to be able to hug you in person and let you just cry and cry and cry. Crying is your souls way of starting the healing and relieving the pressure of too much emotion.
You've got this. You really, truly do. So what if Dirtbag and his L make you cry. Do you think the judge will think better of them because they bullied a woman and made her cry? No.
One day at a time sweetie. Or one hour, or one minute, or one second. Whatever it takes. You've come SO far! This is the homestretch.
We're all holding you. Lean on us.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
Stress is doing this to you. Fear of an outcome that you have no control over (trial). Deep breaths.
You are going to be okay.
Do you hear me???
You are already so much better off without that crazy ass piece of shit in your life. You remember that crazy mother-fucker...the one that hid shit, that you didn't want to fix drapery rods for fear of what he'd say (if i remember that correctly), what about the nasty keyboards...desk...all the weird shit you've found...
You are so much better off.
Take life minute by minute NG...you are going to make it.
Cry sweetie cry! We ALL need a good cry! Let it out. It hurts ... it fucking hurts. You may not feel it now but WE ALL know how incredibly brave and strong you are! Take deep breaths. What you provide for your children can NEVER be bought!! Remember that. You are giving them YOU! You are going to instill values, life skills ... you are their moral compass. You are amazing! YOU KNOW THIS!!
I don't know what time zone you are in so I hope you ARE sleeping and I hope you feel a tiny bit better tomorrow. Hugs and support!!! dmari
You can do this. You are strong. You give so many of us hope and wonderful advice. It's okay to be overwhelmed. You wouldn't be a normal, caring being if this whole effed up situation didn't get to you.
But you've got this, and we're here for you.
I've been thinking about the negotiating part too. Like maybe I'm supposed to be offering a settlement agreement to get this over with? Perhaps you can talk to your lawyer about this. It might help get your head organized to put down exactly what you want..
You are a gem Nature_Girl. You have been responsible for so much of my healing on here. So many of my laughs and epiphanies have been from your posts, so please know how amazing I think you are.
Don't worry about the Disney Dad stuff. The kids will know what is going on. My first divorce (no cheating, just x who had major peter pan syndrome). Their dad lavished tons of gifts for Christmas, trips to Hawaii, doing fun stuff when he had them. I on the other hand, was broke, he would be months behind on CS. It was tough. My girls are adults now. They love their dad, but continue to tell me that they knew he was trying to buy them off with all the stuff. These were kids under 10 when this started. Your kids will know what a great mom you are and what you are doing (more important than any gift) to love them, protect them, and raise them to be outstanding adults.
You got this NG!
The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis. - Dante Alighieri
It sounds like you are falling apart - do you need me to bring some caulk over to help glue you back together?
Cry, the caulk is waterproof...and the crying releases toxins from your system. Since your lessening your exposure to toxins ... it's a good thing you're crying. Get it all out.
You have done so much for so long with so little.. and it is almost over... hang in there... we will be here for you, supporting you and loving you.
He can go suck the end of my caulk gun.