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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Oh. My. God.
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read up on NPD.

the vast majority of cases narcissists will forever cheat on their spouse(s). It is interesting to note that narcissists rarely divorce and will fight tooth and nail to remain married. This is believed to go along with the "need to be accepted by all" mentality that narcissists possess. As strong as their need is to conquer outside their marriage; they turn into weeping idiots if/when their spouse even suggests divorce.

I'm in big trouble!! I was afraid of this. Asking IC/MC to confirm this. If so, I'm out the door!!!!!


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has your WH been evaluated and diagnosed as NPD? A lot of people have some traits of NPD but aren't full blown NPD.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9543 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, he just started IC last week. I've been in IC since November when I found out.

My IC said he can meet with his IC and us as well. I messaged my IC to ask if they can both evaluate him for NPD and/or NPD traits.

I'm so scared right now!!!


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The more I read, the more I realize he had no feeling for OW. Even his favorite LTA with girlfriend. I've spoken with her. She was crying and I felt bad for her. He lied to her than tossed her.

The phone bills I've been studying show his behavior patterns. He would call all OW until one wanted to hang out. Or get fixated on one for a few days and call like 10-20 times. This is totally freaking me out.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 4:09 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
mysticpenguin
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^ So what you're reading says that NPD who cheat tend to have no feelings for the OW/OM, just kinda....use them either as an ego stroke or diversion? Would you be so kind as to link to some of this info?

Hoping each of your ICs and your MC agree to work together!! :)


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's all becoming so clear to me.

http://able2know.org/topic/101932-1


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are several different personality disorders, with overlapping symptoms. They are doing away with NPD as a diagnosis. Your WH could be a narcissist or he could be something else. Have you spoken to his IC and shared your concerns? He could also be a sex addict. Addicts present with a lot of different traits from personality disorders until they are in recovery. So, it would be best if you could get a mental health professional to diagnose him.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good to know! Thanks for info. YES, I'm working on it with IC/MC.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so my Wh.

They canít seem to overcome the desire to impress someone else, to maintain multiple relationships (however dead-end they may be), to manipulate their spouses. They may even carry out more than one extramarital relationship at the same time. Many of these serial cheaters are professionals with positions of high status; they seem drawn to anything that makes them feel powerful and in control. The victims, in turn, are often vulnerable or easily impressed upon, with no idea of the complex web they are being drawn into.

http://perspective.catseyepi.com/featured/serial-cheaters/

If I get professional confirmation of this, I'm so running for the hills!!!

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 6:06 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
h0pe4ul
♀ Member
Member # 38446
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, liberty...the info you posted and that I read from the links describe my WH to a tee....:(.

Posts: 185 | Registered: Feb 2013
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is a link that discusses what I was referring to.

http://thesexaddictedbrain.typepad.com/my_weblog/narcissistic_personality_disorder/


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting read!! Can't wait to discuss it in IC/MC.

Thanks missymommy.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't lose complete hope.

Here are the diagnosed labels my husband carries:

PTSD
Sex Addict
Personality Disorder with both 90% narcissistic and 90% obsessive compulsive traits.
Bipolar

Looking at that alone you'd think I'd be a damn fool for even remotely thinking of trying to stay with him.

However, he's been medicated for the BP and PTSD which made a HUGE difference. Then he got into 12-step meetings for his SA after an intensive therapy 3 day program. He's in therapy bot IC and MC.

He is NOT the same person he was when he got that assessment. Seeing how his brain worked however made it so much easier to come up with a treatment plan. We've realized, he will always need to be on meds and will always need to be in therapy. It's a given. We've accepted it and embraced it.

So, just saying, it's not hopeless.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sam! We're going to a group MC event tonight on his own initiation. I cannot believe it! He's gone twice last week, asked ME to make an appointment at his facility, made a group appointment with both of us and both our IC's, and taking me to group MC tonight. He even got a babysitter. GOD, I hope he can be saved...You give me hope. You love your man so much. It's inspiring.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH was diagnosed as an addict and has lots of Narcissistic tendencies. I did want to run for the hills when I had found this info out, but lately I have seen more empathy from him which has been nice and reassuring. I am trying R and watching his actions.

It is scary to realize this. I believe I have seen the mask slip, I am just not sure how NPD my WH is, so just really watching his actions and how I am being treated.

It's great that you are in IC/MC.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's weird crazyblindsided. I see the monster in him, but lately I've been seeing the real him that I knew and loved for the first 10 years. The last 3 years of lies, we now have to work overtime to repair.

Good luck with your H. I wish you all the luck. The Lord knows we need it!!

How long did it take to diagnosis him? Your IC or his? both? I'm curios about this...

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 2:55 PM, April 26th (Friday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Liberty,

With my husband, my therapist made the suggested he get assessed for bipolar or something else, I can't remember the name of it at the time and recommended a psychologist to us.

The waiting time was the longest because he's the best one in the area. Once the process was started though it was finished rather quickly.

We had an intake meeting, where I was involved as well. He lied a lot in that meeting because I didn't know about his other affairs and how deep his SA was.

Then he did the assessment itself. It was like a 4 hour process. He scored very high on the IQ section which was no surprise to me.

Then we had a final meeting to go over the results. Which were astounding how it pegged him to a T. I have a 19 page report and I was like WOW. WOW. OMFG WOW. It was crazy accurate. About how he will tell someone what ever they want to get them to do what he wants, how selfish he was (paraphrasing here), how he had major abandonment issues, how quick he was to anger, how quick he was to judge people, etc. I was like DAYUM.

It also said how little he trusted the therapeutic process and that any therapist he went to would have to prove their trust to him over a long period of time. Boy was that right on too. He has JUST NOW within the past 2 months felt comfortable enough to really really open up to our therapist and we've been seeing her together for a year and a half. (I'd been seeing her for 3 years prior). And now he's really making progress because he can see she's got his best interest at heart. And ours.

It's been a VERY difficult road, not one I'd wish on anyone. But that assessment saved his life. He was breaking down prior to that and I believe suicidal. Getting on the correct meds and getting some answers really helped him a lot.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long did it take to diagnosis him? Your IC or his? both? I'm curios about this...

His IC diagnosed him. My IC thinks I need to leave (she is an infidelity survivor as well).


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 18

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