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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I know this is normal....
♂ Member
Member # 38109
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After a very good IC session yesterday I felt good about how I'm dealing with some of my FOO issues. I really got down to what I want from the next half of my life. Expressing my emotions has always been extremely hard but I'm finally on that path. And I know who I want to be at my side. I never doubted it but I really got into some real therapy last night and she pushed and pushed for me to answer with my heart and not my brain. Not just that but we discussed some of the why's. I've definitely gone through a few trying to find a satisfactory answer for myself. I wish I had the communication skills I'm learning earlier in my marriage. The what if's can drive you crazy. You can guess what's coming next. My BS told me today that she's not sure she loves me anymore. That she can't see a path to us staying married. There has been a lot not so nice descriptions of me from her and for the most part she is right although not about everything.

Given I'm almost 4 months out, and really 3 after the TT, I assume this is normal. I'm hoping she gives this more time before she acts. I don't know if I'm looking for encouragement because I'm in IC for me and I personally see lots of changes after a lifetime of internalizing my feelings. Perhaps I feel guilty about 1. The affair and its' destruction, 2. The fact that I couldn't emote over the time of our marriage and 3. That I felt ok last night and at least this morning because of my progress. I really want her to progress for her own well being too. I know it's 2-5 years. It seems right now there is nothing I can do to help and I hate the helpless feeling. There has been a lot of reading on both our parts and I thought a tiny bit of progress was being made because we were communicating better. I'm hoping this is just a very deep dip on the roller coaster but maybe not. It could be a deal breaker and if I'm in her shoes I'd probably be thinking the same way. It's sad when you realize you've destroyed the one person you love for something so superficial. Sad and stupid. That's how I feel at this very minute but I will not forget the progress I've made.

Me: 47 BS: Cheerless (not giving her age)
DDay 12/31/12
30 days of TT WRONG - try 17 months
2 great teenagers
I had a LTA - EA and then PA. Escalated in 2012.
Never Giving Up Hope
The secret of life is to "die before you die" - Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 92 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, first off, congratulations with working so hard with your IC. No matter if your R or not with your BW, you have to do the work on yourself, for youself, so that you never find yourself needing to be on a forum like this one again. So keep digging.

As a BW, I can tell you that 4 months out, even though my FWH was doing hard work in IC, I was just coming into my rage and fear. Plus I was SO damned tired of hurting All The Time. I had promised to not make any life-altering decisions for 1 year, but I sure as hell wanted off this damned rollercoaster. Free-falling to the ground from one of the hills was looking better and better to me. And I wasn't sure if I could stand 6 more months with FWH or not.

Keep digging. Keep doing the work. Keep on with the actions vice blah blah from the mouth. Dig down deep and show the work that you're doing. It very well may be that at the end of both of your ICs, you walk away with better understandings of yourselves and why you do what you do, and your BW says thanks for all of your hard work, but I now realize that I just dont want to be married to you. That's a risk that you signed on for and you signed her up for behind her back. But don't let the fear of that derail the work that you know that you have to do for yourself. You owe it to your family, separate or together, your clarity and your mental health. Alone or together, you need to keep walking this path.

Best of luck.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ New Member
Member # 38888
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right, it is normal and you're not alone. It can be incredibly difficult for us to sit with our spouses and see daily the pain we have caused them. Sometimes they provide the true mirror into looking at who we really are, and the image is not pretty at times.

No advice to give, just empathy. There are many of us on the same rollercoaster with you. Some days I feel confident in the progress I am making in IC and that we are making in MC, and feel so hopeful for the future. Then other times I see the pain in my BS and wonder how much longer either of us can stand to feel this way.

The really difficult part is not knowing what days are going to be good, bad, or indifferent. Some of the best advice I have been given in dealing with other situations is, "the only way out is through" and it definitely applies here as well.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: thumbelina
♂ Member
Member # 38109
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to both of you. It's nice to know that there is a support group out there regardless of what side of the mess you find yourself on.

Me: 47 BS: Cheerless (not giving her age)
DDay 12/31/12
30 days of TT WRONG - try 17 months
2 great teenagers
I had a LTA - EA and then PA. Escalated in 2012.
Never Giving Up Hope
The secret of life is to "die before you die" - Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 92 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 4

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