Fidelia's post has some common things with what STBXH did. He strung me along for a whole year without filing for D or even getting a lawyer but is in and out of living with OW and making "plans for the future", while still married to me.
I forget entire conversations between us now, but he would do similar things and one of the posts struck me as the same thing...the one where he wants to be able to say he did everything he could to make the M work.
My STBXH is actually lying to siblings and friends, telling them how sincerly he wanted it to work, while he drove from their homes directly to OWs.
"Problems" he had were hidden all these 20 years as he too is passive aggressive and he never told me he was unhappy until he had secured a place/shacked up at OWs.
All throughout last year, he even told the same friends and relatives and neighbors that he didn't want a divorce, but he wouldn't come home when he had a chance.
False R came over the holidays and ruined them for me and I think it was even more devious than some of the other things he's done/doing.
I'm really sorry, Fidelia, for your trouble.
At present, I feel like a pregnant widow because I can't fathom loving another man as I loved him. I met him at 17 and am 40 now and all I have known is being his wife and being a mother. I worked years ago, but I was as devoted as any wife could be and used to tell him how proud I was to be his wife. Fool.
I am a church organist and though not super religious, wouldn't hurt a flee. Lying I cannot fathom or tolerate and I married for life as you did.
The things an affair steals from a marriage but also a BS are core and fundamental ideals, I'm finding, and at least at this point, I can't imagine letting anyone into my heart and mind close enough to give that trust to again.
So I wanted to close by saying I'm sorry for your pain as I know it well and wish you peace and prayer.
Each day over the winter, I would get "I love you". "I don't love you anymore." "I don't feel romantic with you anymore." "I care but I'm not in love with you."
I suspect it was when he was securing a spot with OW so he could feel secure to leave here and not be alone like I and our daughter would be. It feels very similar to what you have happening, but I do hope he didn't contact anyone, like you said.
STBXH in this case also found ways to go more underground, but I got smarter as he did and it irked him no end. I and my IC think he was agitated because of the spot-A-but took it out on me and blamed me, also similar sounding.
Some of my favorite hymns are the Maundy Thursday hymns and I think among them is a line that talks about "the guilty walk alone." I have to check up on the reference, but it was really hard last year not to put it on facebook on his pages, especially the one he put up with himself as a widower. (As if...)
Part of the underground route was blocking and unblocking his mobile phone and for all I know there could be another one. He would show me the activity log as blank, but I'd see him very busy beforehand or he wouldn't let me see his computer screen for a time before he would show me the log.
And he lied to my face about NC, texting from the bathroom so much I thought he was sick.
(Ewww...I would rather wait than be contacted from there, almost lol!)
I send support and hope things will work out the way you want them too and will set aside some time to finish your thread.Ashland 13
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.