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Newest Member: Alaska77 (44743)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Not married?
inlove67
♀ New Member
Member # 39064
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is anyone not married? I am Only wondering because a lot of people seem to think that if you're not married its not worth putting up with a cheater or reconciling. I love this man and have treated him as if he were my husband. I treated him like a king and although I'm not making any decisions right now I need to hear it.. Do people think this is stupid? To try and reconcile with someone you don't have a marriage with? Should I cut my losses? Or is it understandable that people want to reconcile no matter what the situation?

[This message edited by inlove67 at 6:18 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]


D day: April 7 2013

Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Boston
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It would depend on how long you''ve been together. Do you live together? Are there any children? Do you own a house together?

It''s not a marriage license/piece of paper that will decide if you want to R or not. Only you know if this is a deal-breaker for you. The biggest question is: "are you willing to eat a shit sandwich for this person?" Because R is like eating a shit sand which while on a roller coaster. There are many, many people here who have answered yes to that question.

Figure out what you need (requirements for R) that will help you feel safe while you try to come to terms with what has happened to you in your relationship. From the experience of those who have gone before us most of us find we need some basic things: NC, transparency, passwords/access to email accounts & phone, IC for both of you, MC now or later, remorse on the part of the WS,open & honest conversations about the A, answering questions about the A, patience & willingness on the part of the WS.

More will come along to give more helpful insight, including anything I may have forgotten.

[This message edited by Knowing at 6:23 AM, April 26th, 2013 (Friday)]


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nobody gets to judge how meaningful your relationship is and whether you should work on it or not.

I think that people lean towards telling unmarried people to head for the hills because that might have been the one thing tethering them to an otherwise "escapable" situation.

I'd tell you to cut your losses if he's not doing his utmost to reconcile. (Remorse, complete truth, complete transparency...)

We're here to help, not judge. We just want you to be in the healthiest place possible.


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17082 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
sunshine226
♀ Member
Member # 38851
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No but we have been together for 24 years, have 2 children together and lived together for almost 23 years, until DD. Cheating is cheating no matter what your official status is. It still hurts like hell, and you are still betrayed.

Unfortunately though, this has made not being married more of a trigger for me, thinking he didnt love me enough to marry me and wonder if I were to give up and let OW have him, would they rush off and get married. She is pushing for it, always talking about it with my WH

And she has been able to use it against me, asking me one time why we never got married, I was totally caught off guard and didnt come up with any defense until later.

Only you can make the choice to fight for your relationship or not, to give him a second chance or not. We love who we love, faults and all.

He has brought this mess into your lives and he has to fix it, he has to be able to work just as hard as you are willing to to make it work

Best of luck


Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
girlsbird
♀ Member
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mr Bird and I were not married when he cheated. Like you we had been together for 23 or 24 yrs, raised my 2 children together, owned a home and numerous "toys". We chose to stay together and reconcile. Do not let others make those statements about "living" together or not ever being married make a difference to you. It is up to you and your S/O to make the decision.
By the way he called me his wife to other folks, just not to her....
We are 30 months out and doing very, very well.

PS I am a displaced Boston Babe

[This message edited by girlsbird at 7:00 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he willing to do the hard work of figuring out why he thought it was OK to get a bj from another woman? That answer is deeper than the surface answers he comes up with easily.

I read your other post in which you said your relationship had a lot of problems. Those problems are not as reason to cheat. Do not let him use that excuse. He needs to get healthy, get to the root of his own issues and the two of you need to work on the relationship.

You are young. Do not settle for him if he is not willing rt o do the heavy lifting of R.


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6267 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
notquiteoverit
♀ Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are not married, but have been together for 25 years. Whether you reconcile or not shouldn't depend on whether there is a marriage or not. It depends on whether the affair is a deal breaker for you or if you are willing to reconcile and he is prepared to do the work.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 573 | Registered: Jul 2011
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A piece of paper doesn't matter.

But, often, a piece of paper does make things more complicated. I think that's where a lot of the "run for the hills!" stuff comes from. Because often - not always, as other posters on this thread have pointed out - the piece of paper has brought into the situation things like kids, real estate, finances, etc. Those things aren't a reason to stay - they just might tip the balance in a situation where the decision is really hard to make.

Anyway, it is understandable if you want to reconcile. Of course it is. No one can tell you that it is OK or not OK. I'm also a believe that, with some cheaters - those who show immense remorse and hard work - are no more dangerous than a new partner. Look at the cheating stats. It is everywhere, marriage or no marriage. So do what feels right for you based on the actions he is showing.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
inlove67
♀ New Member
Member # 39064
Concerned  Posted: 8:36 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Girls bird.. What part of Boston? We have been together about 2 years. I am certainly not asking anyone to make this decision for me. I am just wondering if I should even consider. Every day I wake up feeling differently. I want him one day like crazy and then the next I say I'm young and full of life and success in the road ahead. Should I settle for less than what I deserve? IMO cheating is like abortion in the sense that we can say cheating is a deal breaker or that we are pro choice or pro life but the truth is you never know until you are faced with the situation what you would do. I never had thought about cheating since I am very loyal-- I also never expected this of my bf no matter how bad our problems were. He does nice things when he can...we work together so he will bring me coffee or leave notes at my desk for when I come in...but also gives me my space and understands that I am not sure about anything and he is not rushing me. he says he just wants to do "right by me" I suppose I will figure this out some day...it just hurts now.


D day: April 7 2013

Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Boston
girlsbird
♀ Member
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sent you a PM.


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
manybrokenpieces
♀ Member
Member # 37055
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am married. I was always the one to say: you cheat, I am gone. But here I am trying to work through it.

Well, let me just say the only reason I even considered R is for my two kids. If not for them, I would have been DONE. I don't know your story, but I do know 2 years in is still plenty of time to see the warning signs and make a clean break. If you are already having problems and don't have the stress if mortgage payments and kids, it does NOT get easier! Those things add strain to the best relationships. If he can't handle things now and you stuck with him, there is a good chance he will bail when things get tough.
Regardless of what you choose to do, I would recommend on awesome and fun series on marriage and communication. It will help you in future relationships if not this one. I wish WH and I would have had it before we married.
Mark Gunger's Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage. And Chapman's Five Love Languages is good too


Posts: 72 | Registered: Oct 2012
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if i was not married to my husband with children, i would leave him. period.

[This message edited by sri624 at 11:08 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 934 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suppose I will figure this out some day...it just hurts now.

Is he in counseling? Are you? It sounds like it would be beneficial for both of you. In my case, IC was a requirement for R. Think about what your requirments are and what the consequences are if they are not met. Once the two of you are healthy individuals, then couples counseling could help with the relationship issues you have.

The worst thing you can do is rugsweep, ignore, and continue on. If nothing changes, nothing changes and his behavior will be just wash/rinse/repeat.

Unbeknownst to me, my H had an affair 13 years prior to the one I found out about. I didn't have the choice to force changes to something didn't know about; but if we had, I don't believe the 2nd A would have happened.


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6267 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Jeyana
♀ Member
Member # 38464
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not married, and have no children with my Wexfiance. We had been together for almost 6 years. My opinion is that having children or a marriage certificate definitely changes a persons priorities and responsibilities. But when I committed to my wayward, it was forever, ring or not. When I said I loved him, It wasn't a lesser love because I didn't have a wedding yet, or less of a connection because I didn't carry his child. Being married or not, we all have freedom in the end to choose to end it or stay. But different complications for each and every person/relationship. Betrayal is betrayal, hurt is hurt, love is love. If you want to reconcile, the important question is why I think. I don't think NOT being married gives someone and easier choice to stay or go emotionally. Financially, raising children, household and shared assets,is a whole other complicated world which I am rather uneducated on myself though.

Posts: 121 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: oregon
Topic Posts: 14

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