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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reducing MC???
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last week at MC our therapist said that she thought we could start spreading our visits out further. To like once or twice a month, since we are doing so well.

This seems like a terrible idea to me. We have seen her for a grand total of 11 times in 4 months. That does not seem like nearly enough to me.

What do you guys think??


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1038 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear heforgotme,

Not my place to say...such a personal decision.

I would recommend you voice your concern to your spouse...see if he is concerned too.

For us, MC and IC is critical. We could not do this on our own. At times I think it is getting really expensive. MC once a week...IC for each of us ALMOST as frequently. My WW going more regularly to IC. But then I think what else would I desire to spend money on?

I love my wife. I love myself. To help both of these loves...we need external help.

There was a point in our R where I chose to skip a few MC sessions...I was derailing them by not controlling my rage. But now I am back to it.

Dont think of any one pattern as constant within R. You could just spread out the sessions like has been suggested...two things could happen.

First, you could find out that the counselor read your situation correctly...and you and your husband will continue to learn how to R more on your own then with C help. You save money and real intimacy just between you and your husband is self generated! yeah!!!!

Second, you could find out that reduced sessions hurts your R. sigh. You pick up the phone and increase your sessions.

This is a dynamic process.

Another point that I have considered...counselors get paid from each visit. They also have reputations to protect. If your counselor is willing to give up income and chance being wrong on her current evaluation of your marriage...she must see something really positive and strong within you guys.

This is a good sign.

Scary I know. But as I gain strength the scariness goes away.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2704 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

p.s. Love your tag line!


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2704 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would recommend you voice your concern to your spouse...see if he is concerned too.

I did and he is not. He said that he would feel differently if she said to quit altogether. And he also brought up that we do most of the "heavy lifting" ourselves at home. Which is true. I guess I just feel like I am losing my security blanket. I had been trying to get him to go for at least 10 years prior to this and he always refused. Now that we are there I want to make the most of it. Also, we have trudged through most of the A at this point, but I had figured we'd move on to more general marriage work, which we haven't done. His issues started impacting our lives very soon after we got married, so I feel there is a lot of work that could still be done.

Our MC specializes in A's and so now I'm wondering if once that's basically covered she feels she's done her job. So, I'm wondering if we should find someone else, which I am not crazy about bc we are attached to her. But I want the marriage work. I think it's really necessary for long term success.

Thanks so much for your comments.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1038 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We just decided this but it was after 18 months of weekly MC. IMHO you haven't been going long enough or often enough.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1530 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

Thanks for posting more.

It is very encouraging that you agree that lot of your heavy lifting is taking place at home, away from MC. This is a good sign that you are working together.

Speaking from a man who is 9 months out from my first DD...I am no where close to reducing my counseling sessions. In fact, I think I am going to increase my IC sessions. In my case the A has been fully exposed, but not fully dealt with.

But I am a notoriously slow learner!

I also think if you have a relationship with your MC you should stick with her. She already knows your back story.

Find ways to discuss further with your husband...express your needs in a way he is receptive to helping you fill them. That, unfortunately, is tough. I dont have any tips on this. sorry.


God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2704 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep going. You probably are just about to delve into the deeper stuff.

You are important! Tell the counselor and your husband you want the sessions to continue as they are important to you! YOUR THOUGHTS ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AS THEIRS!!! Tell her you want 2 more months as is, and then you will revisit the issue. See what ur husband says at this next appt. Does he say, it's important to my wife, so let's continue as is. Or does he try to minimize what you are saying...

Also tell the counselor that althought the A issues have been dealt with , you want her professional help with the issues that led up to the A. You have a better chance at things never going back there if some stuff can be sorted thru now.

I just remembered, some counselors like to just take off where you are now and not go into the past. If so, too bad for your counselor, you are paying her and you want some of these other issues brought to light and resolved.

Just my opinion.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 6:06 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Jan 2012
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well put HW2011.

The past is important. Some counselors dont deal with the past as much as others.

But even if your counselor doesnt look to the past as much as you would like...it is still beneficial to me, us, if we check in with our MC on what we are experiencing NOW.

I like to visit with our MC with what my wife and I interactions were like since our last MC session. Both my wife and I want to grow and change...and dont want to go back to the way we were.

Although each session costs money, it is worth it if we can avoid some of the mistakes of our past and develop better ways of interacting...ways that will help us grow together and reduce the chances of an A once again entering our marriage.

I like the 2 more months of no change approach. If your current counselor is not willing, I say its worth the effort to find another.

It should be equally important to you both that you tend to the others needs...that you WANT to tend to each other.

As a BS it is hard to do this, as I feel I have been wronged...and I have. BUT that is the child in me. When I am calm and peaceful I can see how MY interactions hurt the intimacy in our marriage.

Hang in there....focus on the positives, not be afraid of your needs and expressing them.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2704 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 8

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