For me, my WS was instantly attracted to her AP from the moment she met him (which was prior to her and I ever meeting). Yet, with me, she was never attracted to me throughout the last 10 years we've been together. Though, she now says she is very much attracted to me. To be honest, I'm a bit skeptical at times, but I'm trying to believe it, and accept that my WS hasn't been attracted to me for the last 10 years we've been together, but now is.
Anyone else dealt with this or are still dealing with this?
For me, what worked was detaching and making it a conscious goal to become more excited about my own life. It didn't happen overnight, and there were feelings of loss and mourning along the way. But now it doesn't bother me as much. That's his life, and since cheating is now a decided *turn-off* to me, I'm not envious of whatever he "shared" with them anymore. I'm excited about my own life.
That is a very difficult, invalidating, heartbreaking place to be. Is there anything you can think of that your WS could do to help you heal? Help bring back the specialness for you? Maybe what's hard about it isn't just the relationship that got invalidated, it feels like being compared directly to the AP. The only thing I can think of about that is to love yourself more than the infidelity hurts. And that takes time.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.
Thanks again for your thoughts and advice..!
But, I've come to realize that we were and still are best friends. We didn't have an instant hot love, but I think that's why it's a lasting love. Also, they're relationship was a fairy-tale. They didn't have to deal with kids, bills, responsibilities, etc.
The other thing about those white hot attractions is that they burn out quickly. FWH has mentioned several times that he is surprised by how quickly his positive feelings faded for her. I asked him how he knows that the same wouldn't be true for me. He said because even just the thought of losing me tears him up inside.
So, I guess I just see it that true in some ways I am "not as much" as the OW, but in other - much more important ways - I am so much more!
I guess I'm really struggling with the fact that my WW told me that for the last 10 years we've been together, she's never been attracted to me. But she is now, though, she just revealef to me a couple months ago.
I can understand not having instant attraction, but after 10 years, really? Anyone else been married to someone who learned that their WS was *never* attracted to them during their entire decade + relationship, until after their A ended??
I'll take commitment over chemicals any day.
[This message edited by silverhopes at 12:09 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]
Maybe it's like a job that from your first day, you don't really like, but then after many years (say, 10), you start to really love the job and really enjoy being there. That is a good thing, I guess? Sometimes things just don't seem that cool for a long time, but then start to be pretty cool and enjoyable after you 'condition' yourself to really like it. It is just such a different concept then I ever thought a relationship would be, but that is just something for me to get used to.
Thanks again for the comments and advice. It's really nice to know my situation isn't unique.