Wow, you guys sure are fixated on the fucking, aren't you?
I am not name calling unless you count where I said you're a cheater. Did you not cheat on your husband? Is that not why you are a member of SI?
the only change I have heard you talk about is your H's. Not yours. Not how you have realized that it was the worst betrayal of yourself and everything you thought of yourself. How could you become that person who lied and disregarded another human being so easily? You instead still put all of the blame on your H and your M, apparently all of your time here has taught you nothing.
How do both partners deal with it, if R is going well--but you grudgingly admit that something good came out of the A? In our case, it has spurred me to deal with unresolved feelings/damage from CSA, made us reconsider our "unconventional M," and so far has led to better sex. I wish I could turn back the clock and not sign up for AM, and instead get up the courage to start a dialog with BH. We could've gotten to the same place, in a healthy way, I truly believe that.
Sorry, I don't mean to thread-hijack, but my question dovetails with my BH's JFO thread (if I'm allowed to say that). It's become obvious, due to the A, that I have deep unresolved damage from being molested when I was about 7-8 years old. My brain repressed the memory from the end of the abuse (little me stood up to the POS pedophile!) until I turned 18, and I've mostly rugswept since. I'm oversimplifying, and I (and he, and we) have so much work ahead, but I do believe that damage led me think our "complex" relationship was acceptable. And ultimately to my A--not that it's an excuse, because I chose the A.
The difference I see there is that you are bringing up a lot of things that you see as issues within YOURSELF and not your H. Big difference.
I also have not seen you crediting your affair as being a good thing. Also a difference.
Now, if we take what is a horrible decision and try to figure out how we came to do that to ourselves and our H's that is not us twisting the bad situation into good. It is us trying to fix ourselves so we can be safe, for us and for our spouses if they have chosen to give us a second chance.
Does good eventually come out of these horrible choices? Ya, but way down the road. And only after much heartache on everyone's part. So, is that worth it? I hardly think so. As waywards, the best we can do is fix our shit so we never bring this kind of heartache to ourselves and our spouses again. That is the good we can bring to this.
But look at the cost!
I betrayed him. Multiple times! Each time, getting deeper and deeper into worse crap.
I abused him. I knew he has massive FOO issues and I made the problem worse. There were areas I protect him from his family, but then I piled my own emotional abuse on top of that. I am working on that right now. It's hard to hear him talk about it. He's finally talking about it. And it's soul crushing to see how unhealthy our relationship was. It's all on me. I dealt with it in a very wrong way.
After the 3rd A, he literally checked out of the marriage. He worked, brought home the check, and that was it. Nothing else. He was a robot. Did we have sex? Yeah, on occasion. But there was absolutely ZERO emotional intimacy. Know how I reacted to that? Having my final A. Digging myself into a massive pit to the point I was actually committing to withdrawing from my husband and to meeting a guy in a hotel or our home.
There were other options. There were other ways out of our mess. I could have gone to counseling. We could have attended MC. We could have done a million things different. But I chose, deliberately and willingly, to send that email to the AP, to set up the cameras and take those pictures, to download them and email them to him, to do all the nasty crap that we did. I willingly did that. Knowing full well that I was destroying what little shreds remained of my marriage. I poured on the gasoline, lit the match, threw it on the gas, and watched it burn.
Was doing everything that I did worth what my marriage today? I don't know. The cost was huge. The risk was great. My husband could have turned around and walked out. We could have been done.
Thankfully he stayed. We are healing. But I would give anything to have done it differently. I would give anything to look into his eyes and not remember the pain I caused him. To take away his pain completely. To not remember all the horrible things I did with and for the AP. To not be guilty of letting another man become a part of my most intimate moments. To not have willingly given what belonged to me and my husband to another man.
For all the healing we have done, the damage is great. I still can't do certain things, still can't shop certain places, still can't listen to certain types of music, and a host of other things.
Awesome marriage or not, cheating was the wrong way to get it.
[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 5:35 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]
do both partners deal with it, if R is going well--but you grudgingly admit that something good came out of the A?
R us going well for us, but not out of the A. For her maybe like a drunk hitting bottom. For me, making the best of a bad situation.
I never believe that an end justifies an immoral means.
I would give anything to have done it differently. I would give anything to look into his eyes and not remember the pain I caused him. To take away his pain completely. To not remember all the horrible things I did with and for the AP. To not be guilty of letting another man become a part of my most intimate moments. To not have willingly given what belonged to me and my husband to another man.
Thanks, ITA, very well said. How can an A seem like such a good idea at the time, and so tragically foolish in hindsight? This is a fundamental question I hope to answer for myself.