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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Melancholy... anyone else get waves after successful R?
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today I feel.... melancholy.

I guess it was because, as I was listening to music and put it onto shuffle mode it played a couple of songs that took me back to the time when me and FWH were S and that old anxiety and gut wrenching fear came to the surface... then it happened... I sobbed!!

And I felt overwhelmed with melancholy.

The good days are 99% of my life now and, although I think about his A every day (yes-still) in some capacity, they don't bog me down like they used to as I look at the couple we are now as opposed to the dysfunctional people we were then!!

I guess I was just a bit shocked at the depth of my sorrow just now so wanted to ask the veterans on here if this is normal?

I am guessing this will probably be an emotion that will tend to crop up.... even in the future... just need someone to 'normalise' it for me so I can stop wondering if it's normal


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1584 | Registered: Jul 2009
OptimisticWife
♀ Member
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((MrsDoubtfire)))

As you are further along in R than me I can't offer you any words of wisdom other than I guess this is normal as long the feeling doesn't last for too long?? I would imagine we will all experience sadness when we take the time to reflect on what was. I guess as long as you can acknowledge it as the past and bring yourself back to the present and to your current state of happiness, then it should be fine right? I would love to hear from those further out too


Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I still have those melancholy times. Mine seem to come out of nowhere though, and for no real reason. I find that when I'm having a good day, enjoying the weather, going grocery shopping or something mundane, and being grateful for what I have.... I find myself having to choke back a few tears at those moments. I'm not sure why, maybe I'm just choked up about what I have now considering all that I almost lost so long ago? I don't really know.

What I do know is, after 5 years, I still do what you're describing. So, I would guess it's fairly normal.... at least for the two of us.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
GraceisGood
♀ Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My grandmother was the most important person in my life until I met my H and even then I am pretty sure I would have done anything for her even if it meant going against my H. She was my world.

She died just over 20 years ago. I still get very sad and miss her deeply and it can hit me out of the blue. I can go months, possibly a year or more without the melancholy, and then bam, something switches my mind to think of her and I am melancholy even all these years later. It does not last long, and for some reason it really does not bother me.

I believe the pain of infidelity (for me) is similar to the pain of loss of my grandmother (because of the similarity of why I loved my grandmother and the "ideology" I had about M)and that it will come and go as the pain/sadness over my grandmothers passing has. I do not see it ending, just morphing and changing as I grow and change and move through different stages of life.

(((((MrsDoubtfire)))))


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3461 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Posted: 5:36 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013
Yes, I still have those melancholy times. Mine seem to come out of nowhere though, and for no real reason. I find that when I'm having a good day, enjoying the weather, going grocery shopping or something mundane, and being grateful for what I have.... I find myself having to choke back a few tears at those moments. I'm not sure why, maybe I'm just choked up about what I have now considering all that I almost lost so long ago? I don't really know.
What I do know is, after 5 years, I still do what you're describing. So, I would guess it's fairly normal.... at least for the two of us.

This makes sense actually. It's almost like I'm loving how we got here but mourn the journey I had to take to get here.

I'm sorry you still get it too but thanks for normalising it for me.


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1584 | Registered: Jul 2009
girlsbird
♀ Member
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Mrs. Doubtfire))))

At 2.5 yrs out I get that melancholy feeling myself. I truly believe it is normal.


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks girlsbird. The more normal it is the easier it is to accept I guess. And the easier it is to accept the easier it will be to seek solutions to how to deal with it.


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1584 | Registered: Jul 2009
struggling3
♀ Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am at less than two years out and most definitely get hit with this occasionally. As I was reading your post, I was checking your DDay and thought Uh oh...guess this is going to be a small part of my normal for awhile. It's good to know. I know what you mean about just needing to hear it is normal from others. Thanks SI peeps...you are all helping me tremendously with this journey.


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 29, 26, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 320 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
lost_in_toronto
♀ Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I almost four years out and still have moments of sadness. It can be pretty overwhelming, even after all these years.

Honestly, although I am happy to be with my partner still and I am glad we reconciled, there are still moments that I look at him and just cannot believe that someone I love so much did that to me. And it takes my breath away for a few moments.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1687 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
FeelsSoRight
♀ Member
Member # 28377
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep...almos 4 years in very successful R but it hits me occasionally too. I just posted something similar about a month ago or so.


Me - W - 48
Him - H - 47
Together since we were 14/15
Married 27 yrs in August (renewed our vows in 2011-H's idea!)
DD-23, DS-15
Separated for 7 mos & were 3 wks from divorce when we reconciled
Happily R for almost 4 years

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: MO
ms521
♀ Member
Member # 12008
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't really offer any special insight here since you're further along in the R process, but I want you to know that your post validated me this evening. I've had a very blue day following a pretty good week, and I can't explain it. WH is doing everything right, but today I'm blue. No "real" reason. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this because not only does it make me feel normal tonight, it prepares me to expect this down the road.

(((MrsDoubtfire)))


Madhatters.
Me: FWW (STA 2002), now a BW.
Him: FWH (OW1: 2006-2007), now just WH (OW2: 2010-2013)

I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)


Posts: 429 | Registered: Sep 2006
healingk
♀ Member
Member # 28889
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At about 4.5 years from D-day, I still have my moments, that I feel so sad. 99% of the time things are great, we have a successful R, but there are times that I do still cry, and feel sad, so I guess it is normal.


Ws 59
Bs me--57
Married 39 years
D Day 11/30/08
Just trying to feel normal.It is getting there, but very slow.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Tennessee
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 2:30 AM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't really offer any special insight here since you're further along in the R process, but I want you to know that your post validated me this evening. I've had a very blue day following a pretty good week, and I can't explain it. WH is doing everything right, but today I'm blue. No "real" reason. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this because not only does it make me feel normal tonight, it prepares me to expect this down the road.

Ms521- huge hugs to you. Trust me, the process does get easier and the hurt is easier to deal with the longer down this path we go....which is why my sudden sobbing took me so much by surprise, hence the post asking if others had this too. Please don't be disheartened, keep working on R.
Today? I am back to happy MrsDoubtfire and hope it will be a while ( never again would be the goal) before I crash again.

Thanks guys for all the replies. SI - you really are invaluable.


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1584 | Registered: Jul 2009
brokengrandma52
♀ Member
Member # 31705
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It will be 3 years for us in July. I still have occasional bouts of sorrow and anxiety. I am very much better then I was a year ago. Pretty happy....but the moments do happen. I think the worst part is when I dwell on how many lies I was told and how I believed them. Duh! So...I try not to dwell.


Me BS beautiful wonderful woman!!
Him FWS ex jackass
We are recovered.....almost!
Dday July 2010
Married 49 years...50 years Aug 2013

Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Fl part of the year
SeeThingsNow1
♀ Member
Member # 38241
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

happened today ~ just hearing a song and for no reason, popped into my head - i never asked if they had "a song" this one would fit...then I have this mental conversation, why would I even think that? the crap is long over...it was just a random pop-up i had to squash down but made me feel sad that I even had the thought...

Posts: 127 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 15

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