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User Topic: Just found out. Devastated. How much should I dig??
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Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry your here, but there is no place better.

You need to get a paternity test on your kids.
If the A was the full lenght of your M then there's a chance that you may not be the bio father.

As for more info, I wouldn't bother. Why torture yourself more.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 8:51 PM, April 28th (Sunday)]

BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife

Posts: 484 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
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Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you thought about a paternity test?

This is something that I have also had to ask myself if I wanted. There are many pro and cons to doing this and many questions you need to ask yourself first before considering testing. Some guys have to know, others do not. At just 3 days - I would suggest not having this high on you list right now. You can come back to this question after the shock of it all settles in and you have a chance to more rationally think it through.

For now, just realize you are the father to your children. You are the one that takes care of them, provides for them and is there for them when they need you. That's why they call you Dad.

BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
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Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have so far just managed to establish two facts: that the rendezvous was one of the hotels in town(can't imagine bring myself to ask which) and that protection was consistently used. This information though is just too painful. I still have way too many questions but as have been assured on this family, I will take my time. An hour at a time. Many thanks.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2013
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Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Guss))) My heart breaks for you.

You asked about what happens when you dig really deeply for details. I dug deeply and found out extreme Jerry-Springer type details on my own, with no IRL support.

Don't do that.

It is extremely traumatic. You need an IC with experience in infidelity and/or trauma treatment. You need to process all new info you find out with professional support. In addition to IRL support of friends/family, and the good people of SI. ASAP.

You may not see it now, but you will need STD testing, paternity testing, and you may need to research financial infidelity (to fund her escapades) in your near future. You need to have your IC and IRL support in place before all this happens. Don't try to process this on your own.

I'm sorry, but cheaters lie. You can't count on she used protection ever, much less consistently. You can't even count on that OM is the only other one at this point. And even if it was, you are still headed for a world of pain no matter what path you choose.

Get on the phone, and get some IC. Now. And keep posting. We will help you through it.

BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1484 | Registered: Jun 2011
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Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with hasnofury,
Go get tested for STD's.
As for always using protection, in 8 years there had to be at least one slip up.

BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife

Posts: 484 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
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Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome. You have been getting good advice here. I would like to add just a few thoughts.

1. Have you gone to an Attorney? If not do, and do so sooner than later, knowledge is power, and knowing what can be expected if you have to go down the D road will ease your mind.

2. Does OM have a Wife, if so you need to out this thing to her immediately. Bust this secret wide open.

Otherwise focus on eating, sleeping, and taking care of yourself. If you are having trouble managing that then get to your Dr. There is no shame in using a little chemistry to help you through this.

Keep posting here.
(((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8713 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
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Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS Only

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 10:56 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
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Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SI is the place to be. The more I return the more I feel the power of this family. Back to devastation, I find that the piece together of what happenned and when is helping my healing. So far the WW has been cooperative, albeit grudgingly. Also she has consented and pledged to NC with OM. However, increasingly find it tempting to approach OM not necessarily to confront but to find a way of collaborating WW's versions. Is this feeling normal? Should I persue it? Would it backfire? Or should I settle for what WW is saying. For example, I was keen to know the regularity of their meetings during the period of the A. Her responses seems to downplay the figures in all instances. Let me stop here before I start hallucinating again...

Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2013
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Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just my two cents, Guss, but if she has been downplaying the numbers, you can bet the OM will do the same if you confront him. Unless he's a shameless narcissist, his first instinct will be to find a hole to crawl into, and his next will be to downplay or outright deny the affair altogether. I don't think too many OM/OW sign up for a confrontation with a distraught BS. They're all about a no strings attached romantic relationship with minimum hassles. I wouldn't waste my time with him, would instead focus on getting the whole truth from your wife. You'd be surprised how that manages to trickle out over time, especially if she genuinely repents and wants to work things out. The burden becomes too much to bear. Hang in there brother.

Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children

Posts: 1451 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
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Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

damn man, almost always i would tell a bs to give it some time and give the ws a chance.8 years with one dude.really you should try 2 let it go and move on never had a marriage anyway.

If i can do it anyone can .My hpd wife was my only friend for 13 years....don't let the fear of being alone ruin your life....people will come ray

Posts: 77 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: memphis,TN
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Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't belive anyhting your WW says. She was with this OM the entire marriage. Why would she use protection with him and not you? Most guys do not like condoms. My WW said she and ehr OM always used them. I got a STD. You need to get tested and to then decide if you reall want to stay with someone who could do this the entire marriage

Posts: 474 | Registered: Feb 2009
OK now
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Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm afraid I agree with kenny55. Why would your wife use condoms with a guy she was emotionally and sexually involved with? She tells you she used protection so you won't imagine the kids aren't yours; whether they are or not. She doesn't want you to test.

Having said that you are the father irrespective of any biological origins, but I would tell your WW what she has taken from you - the absolute certainty that the children were fathered by you. Then I wouldn't bother to test; leave her with this doubt. Hopefully it will disturb her conscience.

Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
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Member # 9297
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

two days ago I just made a startling discovery, through a message she forgot to delete from her cell phone, that my wife has been having an adulterous affair with an ex of hers in all the 8 years of our 8 year marriage!

I have so far just managed to establish... that protection was consistently used

After lying to you, cheating on and betraying your for your entire marriage why do you think that they use protection "consistently"? You do realize that your wife is probably NOT telling you the truth?

Hate to say this but I agree with toomanyregrets you need to get a paternity test on your kids.

And as so many others have advised, get yourself tested for STD's

Posts: 489 | Registered: Jan 2006
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Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi fellas,

OK am back. Its now 11 months since DD. My emotions still run crazy. Have just been limping alongÖ
I owe you all an update.

1. So immediately after DD went for STD. Together. came out clean. Both of us.
2. Did a paternity test and confirmed, much to my relief, that I fathered both of my kids.
3. Caused NC. As far as I know there has been no contact with OM.
4. Was able to establish, by tracing call logs that A started three years ago. So the affair had been running for 3 years of our 8 year marriage.
5. Succumbed to HB within a week after DD. Feel like I betrayed myself and felt even worse that I lost my bargaining power.
6. Decided to try R because of the MY KIDS who I love to death (but also largely motivated by the positive paternity test!!)

But as of now, I am NOT impressed with the progress on R. Here is why:
R started well but I find that I have to do a disproportionate share of the work like sourcing reading material and urging former WW to go for IC.
What drives me crazy is the lying. Stories donít add up:
She claims they only had sex once during the whole three years of the A???!! She claims after the sexual encounter it turned into an emotional affair?? Could this be true?? If not true, what else could FWW be hiding??
Also information is not easily volunteered. I have to probe to probe. I find this exhausting.
Her strategy seems to be: talk less. Volunteer no info. If not asked, donít tell.
Put simply, I am not happy with the way R is going
With one year anniversary around the corner what should I do? What should I demand?
What did you guys do on your yearís anniversary after DD.

Sorry for my rumbling thoughts but could do with some pep talk. Lemme stop hereÖ

Love ya all,


Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2013
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Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage



Your still hanging in there which is a good thing. Be proud of the fact that you have made it through, some how, some way. That says a lot.

On average "they" say it takes 2-5 years to "heal" from an affair. Every story is different but sadly have similar circumstances. We all are here to help and learn from one another.

Put simply, I am not happy with the way R is going

What do you feel you would need to be happy with your R? What needs to change?

Can you have this discussion with your wife? Is she open to making things work or making things better?

You can't do all the work or heavy lifting. It takes you both rowing in the same direction. Is that happening?

What should I demand?

Well, that depends on what you hope the outcome to be and what you are prepare for it to be. If you demand change and she isn't able or willing to do so are you ready to leave? Separate?

I would encourage letting her know that you are concerned about your R because of ....

Then see how she responds.

What did you guys do on your yearís anniversary after DD.

I went to work, stayed as busy as possible and cried. I got through it but it still sucked. My FWH knew it was going to be a hard day for me and just told me again how sorry he was for hurting me. Onward.

Good luck and keep moving.

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1201 | Registered: Apr 2013
OK now
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Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, thanks for the update. Much appreciated.

Your wife is not remorseful; just heavily into damage control in an attempt to do as little as possible to keep the marriage intact. Still no love and respect for you and I doubt things will improve. You may just have to take what you can get, then review the situation when the kids are in their late teens.

You have been faithful and given it the old college try, but as often happens the WS has not regained any respect or value for you, nor is likely to do so in the future.

Your wife will not stop lying. If its not in her best interests then she will not be honest. As I said, damage control to minimize damage to her image.

Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
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Default  Posted: 4:31 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


What should you do?

You should not beleive a single Word from your WS! She doesn't volantere any info, downplays ewverything, doesn't do the Heavy lifting.

Your W is the defenition of a non-remorsefull WS! She doesn't love you! She probarbly keeps in Contact with the OM through Another means of comunication. You have no M left and have not had one for at least 4 years and probarbly longer. You have only been able to verify the A as ongoing 3 years ago, it could very well have started earlier. Sex only 1 time, yeah right! What guy would be in an A without getting anything from it for 3 years +?

Francly why are you still in your M? Your wife is abusing you and wasting your Life away. Man up!

You have 2(1) options available for you, however francly I don't see the second choice as a way forward really.

1) File for Divorce, find a nice lady and be happy.
2) Do a bunch of Polygraphs to find out the true story about your W's A. This option though is very problematic though since you have let your W walk all over you for a year now. You need to change a lot for R to be possible. You need to man upp and put down consequences, boundaries etc for your W. Read the book "Married Mans Sex Primer" it's available for free as an ebook. You realy need it!

As for the aniversity. Treat it as a normal day. Don't aknowledge it at all! That day is dead and meaningless now. Don't accept anything from your W and don't offer her anything. It's not a day for celebration anymore. It will never be that again untill you have healed and your W is really and genuin remorsefull and francly I don't see that happening in your case. Sorry!

Also as to your original question. Only you know how much you should dig! However, if you don't know the truth how could you ever forgive or reconsile? So the level of information is upp to you but you need to know what happened to be able to have a funktional M. In other Words do you need to know the possitions they had sex in? Where your W gave the OM a BJ? No but yes you need to know how many times they had sex and if she did give the OM a BJ.

[This message edited by TOMTEFAR at 4:34 AM, March 22nd (Saturday)]

Posts: 107 | Registered: May 2013
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Default  Posted: 4:52 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Guss, just to say the people on here are great, many of them can associate with your feelings etc. and have 'already been there' or going through similar situations. I am new on here but would like to say that it's easy at the very first moment to want to attack every little detail and make rash decisions - but speaking from my experience i think it's best to try and 'wait things out' for a while until things calm down maybe and then you can move forward with more knowledge and calmness. I personally wanted to know every little scrap of detail i could get out of husband and yes, once I got them they became scratched into my heart and even now (although its on been 2 months)I think about these details on a daily basis, sometimes hourly. I found it a big help being able to post my feelings and worries here and had some sound advice, so keep posting and I'm sure someone will always be able to help in some way. sending you hugs.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 5:05 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Guss
So sorry you find yourself in this situation. I can only say that I think it's best to try and avoid jumping straight in and not make hasty decisions you may regret later when you are feeling a little calmer. In my case I wanted to know every tiny detail and my H said he had told me all but as many on here will be aware - eventually more details came out. And yes, these are now scratched for ever on my heart and I open up the wounds myself on a daily basis, sometimes hourly.I remember feeling like a frightened rabbit - unsure as to which way to run, who to tell, how to react basically, but close friends and family helped me through and it is always helpful to post on here as people are so friendly and supportive.
Sending you hugs and good wishes.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What drives me crazy is the lying. Stories donít add up
That is exactly why you do not feel like there has been no progress.

First of all, a three year affair is a very long affair to get over. There is a hell of a lot of lying just to maintain three years of an affair.

Has your wife read anything like the Jerrys Letter here in the healing library, which explains your need for the truth.

Has she read any books like the usual, After the Affair and some others I cannot remember.

Does your wife even understand the magnitude of the wrong she has committed. I dont think so.

Her attitude screams she will do this again, or thinks about having another affair.

Has she even told you why. Can she even be honest with herself.

You do have to explain to her your need for the entire truth or at the very least that she once and for all answer your questions.

Has she written you out a timeline.

Can you look back and pick out specific times and dates that are still suspicious you still wonder about.

If so, write out your timeline and have her tell you what really happened on all of those suspicious times.

Common sense and adult knowledge of sex tells you that no, she is not telling the truth. WHY would an affair be sexual only one time and then turn emotional.

Most if any guys are going to say, naw, I dont want sex anymore. Do you really think a guy is going to have a three year affair without sex...I dont.

Maybe in your wife's mind it was only emotional and the sex was a non part. But in reality, you want her to deal in facts, not how she wishes it really was.

Your questions to her should be logical and common sense like WHY would this OM not want to have sex with you?

Did you ever talk to the OM and if so, what did he say happened.

It is time for you to tell your wife, you are tired of being treated like the second choice, like a fool and for her to start treating you with respect and knock off the childish stories.

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