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User Topic: Lie detector test
HeartbrokenMomTx
New Member
Member # 38576
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,
I am curious to know if anyone made their cheating spouse take a lie detector test. I have asked my husband to take one, but he refuses. Thanks.


Me: BW
Him: WH
PA with my best friend-slept together 4 times he admits to right after I had a baby this past year.
Married for 7 yrs; Together for 10 yrs
Three little boys together (6, 4, 11 months)
D-Day-11/5/12

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH refused also..then we had major TT a few months ago. Now he says he will take one.

He refused for the same reason your WH is refusing. Because he has something to hide.

Tell him it's a requirement of R. That you need to know what he has told you is ALL of the truth...because you can not begin to move forward,until you know what you're dealing with.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7155 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
HeartbrokenMomTx
New Member
Member # 38576
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him this last night...that he is either going to take a lie detector test, or I will be filing and he could get out of our house. He told me "No I'm not taking one, so I guess we're getting divorced. He has given up on me, and apparently doesn't give a shit anymore. He has said that I need to move on, stop living in the past, and that he cannot continue on living like this. That he is "miserable". Give me a freaking break.


Me: BW
Him: WH
PA with my best friend-slept together 4 times he admits to right after I had a baby this past year.
Married for 7 yrs; Together for 10 yrs
Three little boys together (6, 4, 11 months)
D-Day-11/5/12

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah...he's still lying.

It takes 3-5 YEARS to heal from this shit..and you're only 4 months out.

Im sorry he's being an asshole.

Ask him why he would rather divorce that get the poly. His response will be very telling.


ETA: You sound like you need a hug. ((((((HeartBrokenMom)))))

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:07 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7155 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
HeartbrokenMomTx
New Member
Member # 38576
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not only that, but my baby was only 6 months old when he confessed. He slept with her when my baby was 2-5 months old. He claims he doesn't remember when exactly the 4 times were, even in what month it was. I would love to know, seeing as though I had to stop breastfeeding when he told me, when my baby was 6 months old, bc of STD's and having to get tested, and not wanting to pass anything on to my baby. I have a deep freezer full of breast milk that I cannot give my baby, bc he claims he doesn't "remember" exactly when he slept with her. I can't make myself throw it out. Ugh just so pissed off.


Me: BW
Him: WH
PA with my best friend-slept together 4 times he admits to right after I had a baby this past year.
Married for 7 yrs; Together for 10 yrs
Three little boys together (6, 4, 11 months)
D-Day-11/5/12

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2013
Theradin
♂ Member
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's rug sweeping and blame shifting. If he has nothing to hide, then why not take the test? He is in the position where he has to PROVE he can meet you at your level to have true R, and if all you need is a simple, painless test, and he's unwilling, then that says he is not serious about R, or your M, for that matter.

It's like asking your spouse, child, etc., to take a drug test because you caught them taking drugs, and want to ensure they are clean, when they TELL YOU they are clean. If they refuse the drug test, do you think they are truly clean? Hell no.


ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
HeartbrokenMomTx
New Member
Member # 38576
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His excuse for not taking it is he thinks they aren't accurate and he doesn't want to be falsely accused of something. He continues to say they aren't even valid in court. I know he's hiding something.


Me: BW
Him: WH
PA with my best friend-slept together 4 times he admits to right after I had a baby this past year.
Married for 7 yrs; Together for 10 yrs
Three little boys together (6, 4, 11 months)
D-Day-11/5/12

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2013
Tiredofthepain
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His excuse for not taking it is he thinks they aren't accurate and he doesn't want to be falsely accused of something.

My SAWH said those exact words even though he has said the whole time he would take one.He was still holding back details of what he did with the whores when he said this, so he is lying to you. I hope you are taking care of yourself. {{HUGS}}


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A slightly different perspective but not really!

I personally don't think they're accurate BUT if I was innocent, I'd take one anyway because they seem to be accurate a lot of the time.

If it's a major crime then no- don't use them, if it's to catch out cheaters- GO FOR IT. Put it this way, I don't think they're accurate but I'd take one- but then again, I haven't cheated.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is an SI member who either works,or has worked,with people who administer these tests..IIRC,he or she is in law enforcement. Anyway,they have said the reason poly's aren't admisable in court is because a sociopath CAN pass a poly..that they are suck liars,that they believe their lies..so they can pass even if they're guilty. The common man/woman can take a poly and the results are very,very accurate.

Interesting that he refuses to take this test,based on whether or not they are accurate..yet expects you to risk everything based on a man who lies and betrays you.

Tell him you will take your chances on the poly,...that he has proven he is a liar..and you NEED to know what you're dealing with before you consider R.

My WH said the same thing..they're not accurate,blah,blah,blah. Funny how NOW they don't want to risk their marriage...but when they're screwing someone else..well,then it' "ok."


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7155 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They're not permitted for pretty much anything in the UK. There was this study where with the permission of the family they sort of kidnapped this guy off the street, took him to a police station- hooked him up to a polygraph- according to the poly he murdered a fictional bloke and his name was incorrect!! The guy was stressed to hell- they mentioned murder so he was spiking like mad- like when you lie.

BUT like I said- in these cases, if you haven't done anything- you'd take it. I would.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
HeartbrokenMomTx
New Member
Member # 38576
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all for the advice. I've threatened him with pretty much everything and he says he won't do it. No idea how else to convince him. I told him I would take one in an instant with no problem. I know he's hiding something. Otherwise, he'd have no problem taking it. He says he has told me everything, so he doesn't need to take it. I do not believe that.


Me: BW
Him: WH
PA with my best friend-slept together 4 times he admits to right after I had a baby this past year.
Married for 7 yrs; Together for 10 yrs
Three little boys together (6, 4, 11 months)
D-Day-11/5/12

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have to accept it. Tell him his word that he has told you everything isn't good enough..not when he has lied and betrayed you like he has.

You need to decide how important this is to you. If he refuses the poly,is it a dealbreaker for you. I so wish I had done things differently after my first dday. I knew there was more. But he swore..for YEARS that I knew everything. I would ask..beg..him to tell me what I didn't know. He would get angry..or sad..and promise me I knew everything..he was a changed man,and he would never lie to me,or cheat on me again. But my gut wouldn't stop screaming. Like I said,it turned out that he was hiding ALOT more. If I had insisted on the poly back then..and told him no R without the poly,it would have saved me 2.5 years of excruciating pain. It would also mean that I would be alot further along in healing from this bullshit...and it would mean that my WH hadn't spent 2.5 years lying to my face.

If the poly is a dealbreaker...tell him. If he refuses,then so be it. IMO,it's better to know NOW that he doesn't feel you are worth the truth,than to wait years later.

Interesting...the poly could prove he was being honest...yet he is choosing to act as if it would say he was lying.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7155 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Bikingguy
♂ Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HeartbrokenMomTx,

First, sorry you are having to deal with this and with what appears to be an unremorseful WS.

I hate to say this but it appears he might be calling your bluff. You told him take the test or D. Are you prepared to do just that? I am not suggesting you do, however realize if you don't, you may lose some respect/power.

Also should he agree I have read some good tips here that have said don't be surprised if a WS offers more details just before. However this might be a plea to offer a little and hope it ends there.

FWIW, I do feel I have the whole story and a WW that has answered every question and is now on a self discovery path to determine how she could do this - And it's still harder than hell to deal with.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 670 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Bikingguy
♂ Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HeartbrokenMomTx,

First, sorry you are having to deal with this and with what appears to be an unremorseful WS.

I hate to say this but it appears he might be calling your bluff. You told him take the test or D. Are you prepared to do just that? I am not suggesting you do, however realize if you don't, you may lose some respect/power.

Also should he agree I have read some good tips here that have said don't be surprised if a WS offers more details just before. However this might be a plea to offer a little and hope it ends there.

FWIW, I do feel I have the whole story and a WW that has answered every question and is now on a self discovery path to determine how she could do this - And it's still harder than hell to deal with.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 670 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need to ask yourself exactly what you would do when you get the results.

If it comes back that he has passed, will you be able to move on or will part of you think that some people who lie do beat them?

If it comes back that he failed and he claims that it is wrong, what are you prepared to do? Do you know for sure that you will walk away 100% on the test results if it is negative? Or will this argument, whether or not the test is valid, become the next thing you argue about?

I only ask because I have thought of having my WH take one as well. In the end, I haven't done it although I still am holding on to the right to ask. He has said he would, but even on here, there are WS that have offered to take it just to call BS's bluff.

I have just decided that if we can't come to some trust without this, I don't want to be in that kind of M. We are still working on it. Don't know what our outcome will be.

Other people on here have sworn that their positive result was the best thing for them.

So I think it comes down to what do YOU want and what do YOU think about all of this?

Whatever you do, DO NOT THREATEN IF YOU DO NOT MEAN TO FOLLOW THROUGH!

Good luck! Hugs!

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 2:31 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1415 | Registered: Jun 2012
2yrs+recovering
♀ Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How much is a polygraph and does anyone know someone in New Jersey?


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The price varies. Around here,the average is $500. If you google "polygraph your city/state" you should have a variety to choose from.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7155 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
HeartbrokenMomTx
New Member
Member # 38576
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ultimately do not want to get a divorce and break up our family, but I am not willing to be " ok" with the fact that he refuses to take the test. That just screams to me that he is guilty.
If he passes the test, I will believe the test, and we can begin to move forward and heal. If he doesn't pass, and I find out more things, at least then I will hopefully know the truth, and we can begin to heal.
But I'm not okay with the fact of not knowing. My gut just screams to me that there is more that I don't know. My gut hasn't failed me so far. The day before he confessed to me, all day I had thought that he was cheating on me. I had no evidence, but I just had a feeling.

He is incapable of telling me the truth, which is why I want the test. He confessed to me that he slept with her twice. When I confronted her, she told me it was four times. He told me he didn't want to tell me four, bc he thought it would hurt me worse.

I am prepared to get a divorce, if he is unwilling to come clean and tell me the truth. It is not what I want. None of this is what I want.


Me: BW
Him: WH
PA with my best friend-slept together 4 times he admits to right after I had a baby this past year.
Married for 7 yrs; Together for 10 yrs
Three little boys together (6, 4, 11 months)
D-Day-11/5/12

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2013
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took a long time before my SAWH agreed to do a poly. I knew he had told me everything he remembered, at that point. Sorry. (((hugs))) It is maddening dealing with an unremorseful WH!


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 20

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