I've been there, EF, and it sucks. I'm fortunate enough to have found a great IC to talk me through the low points and not jump to medication as a solution (not that there's anything wrong with that for those who need it.)
There's no quick fix. For what it's worth, I think its good that you're really feeling the magnitude of your choices. You're in touch with what you've done to CL and it makes you feel bad about yourself. Sounds like a normal reaction to me.
Just try to remember that living in a constant state of berating yourself and being down all the time is not helping you heal. Its reactive, not proactive.
It was a strange thing, but just after our two-year antiversary, one day I woke up and I was just done. Done being sad, done beating myself up constantly, done feeling like a monster. Everything changed after that. I just wish it didn't take me so long to figure that out.
The secret is, it really is a choice to come out of the dark place and take steps toward being happy again. Not that it's easy and you have to be ready, but it is a choice. I still have bad days, but I face them differently.
You can and will get through this. One day, one hour, one minute at a time is the only option you have, so embrace it. Outcomes have never been in your control, so embrace that. You can only control you, your actions, your outlook, your way of facing each day.
You will get through this. Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known
It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier