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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: It's too much....
Zamas
♀ Member
Member # 38658
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My sister in law and I decided to combine our two sons communion parties and have a joint backyard barbecue. Well I just found out that she invited and WS is bringing the whore. How I can I sit there with her there? But how can I deny my kids, especially DS7, this party with their cousins and friends?

I don't know what to do. I don't think I'm capable of going, but I can't make my kids suffer because I can't do something.


Me- SAHM 30yo BS
Him- 32yo WS
Three kids, 9, 7, 10mo

Their baby was born in Sept and they are happily househunting. He finally left 4/03.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: New Jersey
shiloe
♀ Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG. I am so sorry. That is tough. I couldn't do it. I could not be there. Maybe someone in your family could take your son for you? He should leave the pregnant whore home . . . geeze . . what an asshat.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 592 | Registered: Mar 2003
Zamas
♀ Member
Member # 38658
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not fair though! Why do I have to miss his party?!? He is so excited for it and I've been helping plan the whole thing. It's too much, it's too hard, I don't know how much more I can do. I just want to pack them in my car and leave.


Me- SAHM 30yo BS
Him- 32yo WS
Three kids, 9, 7, 10mo

Their baby was born in Sept and they are happily househunting. He finally left 4/03.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: New Jersey
Griefstricken25
♀ Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this your WXH's sister? If it's his family, I would let your son go to the party, and I would plan my own with my own family. A joint party is a nice idea, but not great, in practice, when you're dealing with unrepentant waywards and their APs.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2517 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
Meadhbh
♀ Member
Member # 23087
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go to celebrate with your son, and because they deserve it, and so do you. Be the biggest model of grace and dignity that your son, and everyone else, will ever see. "Those people" will be seen in a bad light by anyone who knows anything about it. You don't have to socialize with them, just be civil. You can do it for your kids.

[This message edited by Meadhbh at 9:30 PM, April 28th (Sunday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor is just an idiot in tin foil."

Posts: 1074 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Middle USA
Safeguard
♀ Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go. Bring a "date". Borrow the most gorgeous male you can find. Be sure to smile and laugh a lot.


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry what?

Your SIL plans a party WITH you and then invites the WH (without discussing how this might go down????) & WH is bringing - OW to your son's communion party. Less than a month from him walking out? Hell no! I would be livid! And that would likely be the last time I talked to SIL. I wouldn't go, I wouldn't help in anyway shape or form. Let WH take DS - you do something special with him to celebrate... On top of everything else - this is too much... What an insensitive clueless beeatch to do that without discussing it with you!!!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4113 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. Sorry, that's too much. I'd plan my own party for my own son and be done with it.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9674 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no way.. wouldn't be able to go.

Not because I can't be the bigger person, but because that day should be one of happiness and unity with family, friends, and God.

With the whore there - you will have none of that. I am pissed at your SIL for being so insensitive!!


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3585 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah... I would bail out. You should not have to go through that mental anguish. And fuck your SIL.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1253 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not Catholic so am not sure if communion party has a formal recognition moment where parents stand or give a speech or something?

I give two suggestions, but keep in mind I'm not sure how the party goes, but I do know this is a big deal your child will remember and may remember you not being a part of it with some hurt or bitterness a long time after you even care what your WS is doing. So, best child sees mom celebrating communion day. And with that, I suggest:

1. If keep same plan, then go for any part of party where your kid takes center attention, like a congrats or speech or something, applaud him, grab the chocolate off the table and then disappear for a time (go home, go to a library, visit a neighbor?) until child is ready to go home with you. Kid gets to beam in front of mom, gets to play with cousins and you avoid the WS and his OW.

2. Talk to other single moms in your neighborhood about what is best to do, and if they say two parties are OK, then tell your sister-in-law that it is too early for both you and WS to be at the same party, and the whispering gossip and people watching both of you and how you react to each other would take the attention from your child, so you will have two parties and not a merged one.

Make sure that you make it look as if you're doing best for child -keeping attention on child and not on gossip about his dad and pregnant OW that could embarrass child, so she can't tell everyone you're a petty witch for separating the parties.

Your child can go to her party for her child without you - and her ex can go and they cna make it a double honor for the child without you there.

SIL and her child can attend your party, but that OW and the ex won't be invited to your separate one. Problem there is that the SIL's child will expect to be honored there, as well, if your kid honored at SIL child's party, so you can honor both but on stipulation your ex keeps his butt at home.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 10:45 PM, April 28th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
ArkLaMiss
♀ Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bail now! What a bitch sil! Blood must be thicker than water in their family. Cut them ALL off, now!


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1190 | Registered: Jun 2007
fraeuken
♀ Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gentle 2x4 without getting into a discussion about religion, I would not celebrate Communion with a person who clearly does not value the sacraments. What is the point? Communion is not about a party and backyard BBQ, it is about commitmment to a Life in Christ.

Your SIL does not seem to value marriage and the sacrament of it if she allows STBXH to be there with his pregnant whore. There are no ifs and buts about it.

I am so very sorry she is doing this to you. Whether you are a believer and reject this based on the commandments or whether you are a good moral person who knows right from wrong - this is so wrong in many ways, it is sickening.

I would inform her that there will be no joined 'party' under these circumstances and that you will host your own celebration for your children.

[This message edited by fraeuken at 1:21 AM, April 29th (Monday)]


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is xometely insensitive - SIL or not. We're not talking years down the track here. This has JUST bloody happened.

No - I would have your own party. I would make it clear to SIL that you understand she may choose/have to accept OW into her life but you will not share this milestone with her. I would aka add that it was incredibly rude or her to invite OW without consulting you first given it is a shared party.

WTF, seiously. Who the fuck ARE these people??

I would not be upset if my X-ILs accept OWUmpteen. I have chosen not to keep in touch with them because they are and always will e his family. I don't begrudge them - they are in a difficult situation.

But bugger that if thy thought his shit would fly with me. Not even for a milisecond.

You may need to cut his family off friend. At least for a while. If you do have contact it needs to be on the understanding that NC with the X is still in play. No info, no news, no gossip, no discussion.

I'm so mad for you right now. Your son too. That is COMPLETELY unacceptable. It would still be bad years out but especially so at this point in time.

She needs her head checked.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i know you don't want to miss it but i agree that this is too much. i can't believe anyone would ask you to do this, especially for a communion party. the irony and twistedness of this is overwhelming!

zamas, i don't remember who was at my communion party. i was a kid. i wanted the donuts. i was proud but mainly just glad the church part was over. i bet i'd remember it better if my dad showed up with a pregnant woman and my mom spent the day grey, on the edge of tears and throwing up in the bathroom. i don't know, i'd probably still be sort of oblivious with all the cousins there and whatnot.

if we can safely say that you not going to this party won't scar your children for life, then let's talk about what scars you might end up with. what do you have to prove by showing up? that you can take a gut punch and total humiliation with grace? that you keep a good game face on while someone wholeheartedly abuses you emotionally in front of everyone?

do you want to remember this occasion by the panic attacks you stifled?

it seems hard, and i know that if for no other reasons than fairness and spite, you can't stand the idea of giving up this party to them. your other choice is to celebrate with your son in a way that is special and gracious and between you, your son and God. you might look back on it as the moment you began to live your new life...in strength and honesty.

i don't know what i'd do if i were you right now. it's so easy to type out "you should's." (((((zamas))))) i've been following along with your story because i empathize so deeply with so much of it.

hang in there.

[This message edited by stretch13 at 8:56 AM, April 29th (Monday)]


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
Ashland13
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Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry for your trouble and sorry for our kids, who sometimes become pawns or spiders in the webs weaved by the adults around them.

Family is a tricky business after an A, indeed. I and DD are dealing with it, too. And for 5 years have dealt with it with my divorced parents. That's frustrating because my mother didn't cheat but walked off and often challenges my father to be at occassions or events where she is.

She wishes to stroll memory lane with him and some other things and it makes me gag.

I can't help but wonder if this is something of a challenge from you inlaw to you, but I don't know.

The post that speaks of First Communion being a religious event is a good one and relevant, though so are the others. An A is not a religious thing so inviting the people or person (OW) doesn't make sense, except for the inlaw trying to please your WH as a relative. Anyway..

It appears that you have some decisions to make, some similar to what I do. Weights and measures have to come out and my thought is that it is about your son, really and what's best for him.

Another thought is, what are you able to live with later and what do you want for memories, for both of you?

It wasn't decent of them to invite OP, that I agree with, or at best they should have approached you about it during the planning. For me, I would not have trust for them now.

It sure is a lot to think about and is awful that they made such problems for what is supposed to be a really nice and positive occassion.

Your son and the other boy worked really hard to arrive at this stage of their lives, for it's so much work to acheive your first communion, no matter what form of religion.

And it's not easy for you I imagine, because if you are not well inside, how can you be the best for him and provide needs for each of you?

The post that talked about going for the main events of the party is a good one and you would have that for remembrance for he and you later on. That has carried me through many dark times, when I've come through an impossible-feeling task.

This weekend, for instance, I went to my first occassion with the inlaws, without Perv there but with DD, and I did it. For once their rug sweeping worked in my favor and I only started to cry, but held it.

Maybe going for the cake, or if he gets a present if they are the type that plan the activities of these events, it may be good for your strength later on-but I can certainly understand if you had your own party and just let your son attend.

Sorry to write such a long letter.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P.S. 15 years, not 5 years after my parents divorce, sorry for the typo. A long time of similar crap!


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
sunshine226
♀ Member
Member # 38851
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that is cruel, I dont know if WH is related by blood or marriage to the SIL but its heartless of her to do that without at least telling you before even talking to you

My WH's brother and sister in law added OW on FB. I immediately deleted and blocked them from mine

Also his cousin, who by the way knew about the affair and even lied to OW and went along with WH's version of our relationship to OW, well he had OW on FB before DD, when I fiqured out who OW was, I asked him to delete and he did

But lately added her again, so he's been deleted and blocked too

My kids can have a relationship with WH family but if those that have disrespected our relationship will NOT be a part of MY life

hang in there


Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no reason to subject yourself to that kind of torture. Skipping it likely will feel bad but I can't imagine spending that time in the same space as the OW would feel better.

Maybe let your SIL know that you can't come if OW will be there. If she has an empathy at all she will understand. Or better yet, she will make sure her brother knows that OW isn't invited and better not be there!

If she can't understand that, you probably need to distance yourself from SIL too because she can't have your best interest at heart if she thinks you should be able and willing to deal with that kind of craziness so soon after he imploded your lives!


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
fallingquickly
♀ Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would your SIL consider disinviting OW? Have you discussed how it came about with her? Perhaps your WH asked for her to be included and SIL was caught off guard. She may actually be unhappy about it as well.

Before making any changes to your plans I would talk to SIL and point out that it is inappropriate for OW to be there given the religious significance of the event. Having WH bring a pregnant OW to the event is not the best example for her son either. Perhaps she was put in a very difficult situation by your WH. We all know what kind of selfish behavior a WS is capable of.

I hope you are able to come to a decision that is good for your son and enables you to keep your sanity. I'm so sorry this is happening.

HUGS!!


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


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