And this is a one day at a time kind of thing. What can you do today to ensure you stay NC? What can you do right now? Let tomorrow take care of itself.
For me, the mantra of NC = no new hurts really helps. For as much as I hurt now, how much worse will it be if I contact him and he's dismissive, or friendly, or loving, or whatever. Basically no matter how he is, it hurts. And it hurts worse than NC because it makes the wound fresh again.
You're in a small town? Well then if he becomes remorseful, he can easily come find you. Until then, focus on you and loving yourself.
yes it is something that is one day at a time, try to keep yourself busy, focus more on you than your WS, some days are easier than others, I went 17 days with NC until yesterday and i got to start over again,
hang in there, take it one day at a time, one hour at a time. I know each day, i felt good that i was able to get through it without contact but then yesterday happened, dont dwell on losing your way with 180, just start over again, and again and again as many times as you have to.
Ive gone NC many times over the past 16 months, its never easy but its necessary
You're an interesting species, an interesting mix. You're capable of such beautiful dreams and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable is each other. - Contact
[This message edited by Linus1968 at 8:18 AM, April 29th (Monday)]
I broke NC about one million times and I can promise you that every time I did, it only hurt me...it never hurt him. Never.
And with every NC broken, it felt like I slipped backwards 1,000 feet and had to work my way back to being strong again. It does take time. You'll get there. You are strong.
"Don't look back, the road is long."
I am THE WORST at the NC thing, so i feel sort of hypocritical offering advice. So, i can share how breaking NC really f's me up.
The 180, i got, and i don't contact STBXWW, but i do let her get to me. She comes over for comfort when things get rough, and i give her a shoulder to cry on and even cry with her.
She tracks me down every 2-3 weeks fishing to see if i'm still there, and i take the freakin bait every freakin time! I am her stability; her rock. And by me offering comfort and playing the role i've always played, it reinforces that she can continue to screw OM, and if it doesn't work out, KOM will give her a soft place to land.
So she leaves, feeling all better and less guilty. Thinking we're going to be friends. And i am set back emotionally. I'm confused and my kids are confused. And i question myself and whether this really is my fault, and if i just do X, maybe we can keep our family in-tact? It is truly crazy-making!
When emotions take over, my heart makes decisions. i have a good heart, but it's not the smartests. When we maintain NC, i make decisions with my head, and my gut. My instincts know she is an entitled, narcissistic (sp?), spoiled princess who is incapable of looking at herself as the problem. My hearts sees the mother of my children, and really the first girl i ever loved and was vulnerable to.
So, i have redoubled my efforts to maintain NC. She sort of got to me yesterday, but i recovered when i saw where it was going. Told her, "I'm not doing this any more." Kids or finances only. She got mad at first, but it happens becase i let it happen.
Stay strong meplustwo. You will make a few mistakes, so don't beat yourself up. You will eventually get this, and be as strong as some of the other amazing women on this forum!
After reading that, it clicked. And darn near EVERY time I broke NC there was something else he said to piss me off and add more hurt. Recently his new way of blameshifting is to claim that I didn't spend enough of my day hugging and kissing him over the course of a decade. In fact, he said the real "issue" is that I gave my all to everything except him...like our kids....and our home..and our life in general..not enough of that time was spent worshiping him at the expense of everything and everyone else including our children who were always primarily MY responsibility while he focused on himself.
I say all that to illustrate that if I had kept to NC, that would be one less batch of stupid to add to the LONG list of offenses since DDay#1. It's hard and most people fail at it especially in the beginning. I'm still failing obviously. lol! It's not easy totally letting go when you love someone. REALLY..love someone. Not the shallow, self-centered kind of "love" our waywards have that allow them to emotionally detach and hurt us without an difficulty.
As others have already stated, one day at time. The more you detach the easier it will get. And when you stumble he will likely quickly remind you why NC is so much better than dealing with someone who will hurt you with no remorse.
If he takes his head out of his ass and wants to truly be a better man, he knows where to find you and he will be ready and willing to work on all the destruction he caused.
One of the posts about a WS "dismissing" us is something STBXH enjoys like a sport. I wanted to ask for opinions as to why he may do this? I think it's not hard to be civil and I don't understand why the pompous attitude, when he's the one in the wrong?
He said recently, "I've done too much to go to counseling." I thought that would be more for me or both of us to decide? and it sounded kind of like a rehearsed line.
Denial comes to mind, but not sure.
The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge