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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I contacted his ex and I am so glad I did!
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, I want to say that I really have appreciated all the advice I have been given on my situation here. I only wish I could have listened to it sooner. It seems I was under some kind of spell and I couldn't see a way out. It also seems that there is something seriously wrong with me to have put up with his treatment for so long.

In my last post I mentioned contacting his ex. All weekend he has been messaging me, trying to manipulate me and saying things like maybe it can go back to the way it was before. That he missed me and was so sorry for being an awful boyfriend.That he had been so upset all weekend and it was the worst one of the year so far. The list of bullshit goes on and on. But the CRAZIEST thing, he started to get to me and had me wondering the same myself.

I did a bit more digging, found he had set up yet ANOTHER online dating site. A recent one and had recently been online. I of course confronted him. His excuses were that he felt so lonely because I had pushed him away. I brought up all the other stuff to him about having girls over and questioned him on a few more things. He completely twisted it saying that he knows that I have cheated and he has been told about it but he overlooked it as he wanted a relationship with me. I have exploded over this for nothing and that I am disgusting and a piece of work. WHAT??????????

So nothing to lose at this point. I contacted his ex. I gave her a brief synopsis of the situation, and asked her if he had been similar with her.

Her reply was that she didn't know really where to start and that what I described pretty much sums him up. She asked what kind of stuff I caught him lying about and said that similar things happened with her.

I told her what I thought were the most significant things.

My findings,

She can guarantee that in the time me and him have been together that he has been contacting her saying that he loved and missed her. Told her that he wasn't with anyone new as he was still messed up over the breakdown of their relationship.

It appears that she didn't cheat as he said she did. She had had enough and then told him that she was going on a date and it was then he upped the anti pouring out his feelings for her.

She caught him out when she was with him when she read facebook messages of an explicit nature to a girl he worked with. He lied about it and said that she hounded him into it and that he was lonely and got carried away with the attention.

She was told by a friend of his that he was always flirting and trying to bed girls when he was out without her and she believes this friend as he had no reason to lie.

She said that just like me, he made her feel crazy also.

Said he didn't drive (still doesn't) and that she had to drive everywhere (just like I did) and that she earned more so she paid more than he did. Ignored her to play computer games, and was emotionally distant, and just like he was with me, was always very sexual in conversations.

She also said that he was always shifty with his phone and Facebook. And the worst of all, he sent her a Christmas present this year, the very time he told me that he was having an amazing time with me and how he wishes it could go back to how it was then. He also sent a card (I didn't get one) saying, 'i remember you saying that you would have to pick this up one day. im so sorry about everythingthat i did and not making you feel special. you ARE the best person i have known xxxx'

She also said the sexual stuff he wanted to do was getting more and more extreme. She seems annoyed that he has been contacting her trying to make her feel guilty and sorry for him when he has been in a relationship all along. Also agrees that he seems to be a pathological liar and a cheat and also said that it was also hard for her to break free of him and that she was glad she was able to leave when things started unrevelling.

So all in all, this is who he is. Why couldn't I just see it for what it was?

I am now done with him but I guess I still have to deal with the fallout.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dealing with the fallout is WELL worth the price of dumping this loser.

Good on you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1541 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Happydays
♂ Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She can guarantee that in the time me and him have been together that he has been contacting her saying that he loved and missed her. Told her that he wasn't with anyone new as he was still messed up over the breakdown of their relationship.

What a messed up jerk. You deserve better. Empty the thrash!

[This message edited by Happydays at 7:43 AM, April 29th (Monday)]


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK Good, Now you seem to be getting it.

NOW Block his A** from your phone, your FB, your life.

Do Not let him suck you bback in.

Take care of your Mom.

Wishing you much strength, and warmth and that your Mom is successful in her treatments.

Lastly always remember that YOU are a good person, who deserves to be respected, and treated like a princess, anything less than that is not a relationship you need to be in.

As a wise poster here says.

You recieve the love you believe you deserve. It's time to believe you deserve nothing but the best.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7785 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for the replies.

Although I know it's really not surprising, I still can't believe it. I bet it's the tip of the iceberg really but I don't need to know anymore to get to leave him once and for all.

I have blocked him on Facebook. the whole thing makes me physically sick.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
Safeguard
♀ Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

N.P. To the freaken D!

I hope you don't tell him you found out these things, and from whom. NPD's feed off drama like that. NC! can't stress that point enough. He's gonna toy with your life, until it's no fun anymore. make yourself "no fun". Start now. Don't feed the aNimals! (N's eat drama btw).


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would you really class this as NPD behaviour Safeguard?

I have never ever come across anything like it in my entire life and I have known some assholes.

I also think he may have ASPD which is basically a sociopath.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You now have proof that you're not really a *person* to him, just an object.

Complete NC with this guy.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7675 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks gonnabe.

When I confronted him last night regarding dating profile, it went on for a bit about how much he cares about me and missed me then he started to seem to find it funny and was goading me, putting smiley faces and what not. Said he was going to sleep and was blocking me. This morning I wake up to a message saying "unblocked".

There is seriously something lacking in his head.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
Safeguard
♀ Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. I would. (I'm not a psychiatrist, but my mother is )

It would certainly explain why you are inexplicably unable to detach from this situation. Every contact with him, is like a relapse. (It's called N-dipping) Best way out is to "Grey Rock" them. become as boring as you possibly can seem. Go here and read up. I'm confident you'll see your situation. Grey Rock works for both N's and P"s (most are usually both truth be told).

http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like you did his ex a favor too by letting her know what was going on.

Good luck detaching from this creep!


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6514 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. I would. (I'm not a psychiatrist, but my mother is )

It would certainly explain why you are inexplicably unable to detach from this situation. Every contact with him, is like a relapse. (It's called N-dipping) Best way out is to "Grey Rock" them. become as boring as you possibly can seem. Go here and read up. I'm confident you'll see your situation. Grey Rock works for both N's and P"s (most are usually both truth be told).

http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

Thanks for this Safeguard. what does the P stand for when you say it works for N's and P's?


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
Safeguard
♀ Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P=psychopaths.

One thing they can't tolerate is boredom. If you become "boring" enough, they will often move on and leave you alone. Any emotional response gives them satisfaction.

That's part of the reason it's so hard to detach. We sense them getting tired of us, and no wants to be that boring. So we are tempted to "poke a stick at the bee hive"
(N-Dip). but if you do that, you will really live up to your screen-name!
Be safe.

[This message edited by Safeguard at 10:49 AM, April 29th (Monday)]


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks a lot! It's weird calling him or thinking of him as a psychopath. When you hear that word you think of a person who is totally nuts on the outside, like an obviously crazy person. Just isn't the case though is it!

Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Safeguard: thank you so much for this info on gray rock.

It's gonna really help me with the OW, whom I believe is a P and will stop at nothing. I really felt that she was trying to "be"my life! I never gave her the satisfaction of a fight and I never will!!!!!

I am worried about my children being around her, hopefully she'll have an affair soon and my XH will dump her!!!


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1948 | Registered: Jan 2012
Safeguard
♀ Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt,
It's true, when you think P you think of crazed axe murderers. Truth is they can often look more normal than...normal folks, (think fake fruit, or Scott peterson). Initially they often put on a good game, (wear a "Mask Of Sanity"-great book on the subject by Hervey Cleckley.See info on it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Mask_of_Sanity).

One of the, (many!), things that stood out for me about your posts, was a quote from that book:

"When confronted with a lie, the psychopath is unbothered and can often effortlessly pass it off as a joke."

It is clearly amusing this man to upset you. Here's
Cleckley's diagnostic check list:

Cleckley introduced 16 behavioral characteristics of a psychopath: [6]

Superficial charm and good intelligence
Absence of delusions and other signs of irrational thinking
Absence of nervousness or psychoneurotic manifestations
Unreliability
Untruthfulness and insincerity
Lack of remorse and shame
Inadequately motivated antisocial behavior
Poor judgment and failure to learn by experience
Pathologic egocentricity and incapacity for love
General poverty in major affective reactions
Specific loss of insight
Unresponsiveness in general interpersonal relations
Fantastic and uninviting behavior with drink and sometimes without
Suicide threats rarely carried out
Sex life impersonal, trivial, and poorly integrated
Failure to follow any life plan.

Dr Robert Hare, is now considered the foremost expert in this field, he took up and improved upon Checkley's work. Hare's book "without Conscience" is the best I've read to date. he improved the accuracy of the check list also. read an exerpt here:
http://aftermath-surviving-psychopathy.org/index.php/2011/02/24/this-charming-psychopath-how-to-spot-social-predators-before-they-attack/


Home, If the OW is a P, or NPD/P then absolutely she wants to "be" you. They have no inner self of their own, and they covet what others have. I am sorry about the situation with your children. That really sucks! I know because grey rock is saving my life...I have an Eight yr old daughter, my NPD's only child. If there's anything you provide that is unique, and hard to come by elsewhere, it is much less likely they will leave you in peace. My exnpd is in his forties and not likely to have other children.

I have to be very, very careful, as he was awarded four hours a week, unsupervised visitation. May not sound like a lot, but I share your concern for our children. I have managed, I found my own way to deal, not perfect yet, but I am still learning and trying.

Hopefully you can find ways to minimize your kids exposure to OW... You may have to let them come to their conclusions about her, but don't be afraid to use some of those "Teachable Moments' to emphasize good values/social graces! My girl is getting so smart, she expresses a wisdom far more advanced then her years, in her interpersonal skills. Hopefully she will be NPD/P proof when she chooses a partner.

[This message edited by Safeguard at 9:12 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 16

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