I think perhaps, while you still have questions, you aren't done processing. Especially for those of us who are dealing with something that happened a long time ago, with lots of "I don't remembers" to complicate matters, this all takes some time.
I think it is definitely possible to get stuck in the past, but honestly, I don't feel you are - your D-Day was only in September, am I right?
It's going to take some time before you can move on.
We are in R.
Honestly, if he isn't willing to do this, then he isn't in true R. Period.
He apparently rug swept for 22 years, and it didn't work. He's already shown his internal resources aren't up to the task of dealing with his A. Why doesn't he realizes he needs to do something different.
Would it help if you asked how he'd react f the shoe were on the other foot? If you ask him this, MC might be a good place to do it. (When this came up for us, my W indicated she thinks she'd just move on. MC confronted her, not very gently, and my W really got it.)
The fact that your H remembers more and more as you talk more and more is telling. Maybe you are too focused on the past, but from what you write, you sure aren't.
[This message edited by sisoon at 2:42 PM, April 29th (Monday)]
Before the A, cheating wasn't a deal breaker for us. We discussed it and thought the cheater would have to choose, the BS would have to choose, we'd both probably forgive, and we'd move on. It didn't quite work out that way....
But you can't confront your H effectively on this. You need to have the discussion with an objective 3rd party in the mix - MC, or a joint IC session.
Actually, you sound pretty solid to me. My fantasy is that you'd recognize a lousy IC before being damaged. Besides, you've got us to 2nd guess anything an IC says.
Healing is not too hard. You can do it!