So she left for the separation apartment "just for tonight" without us telling the kids anything. (Told the kids she was visiting her sick mother.) She kept peppering me with questions about what to do, but I did not want to talk to her and told her so.
What makes a woman leave her young children like this? Unless there is physical or emotional abuse in the home (well, there is, but it's not coming from me), what in god's name are these people doing? We all have "issues," are to some extent "damaged" if we have lived life at all, but dammit, you do what you need to do for your children. You make painful sacrifices.
I just realized that the last two sentences could equally apply to me...
Anyway, right now I am not sobbing--I will save that for later--but I am angry. A quiet cool anger at her and all the men and women who have done this to their families.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
Oh, and one parting dagger of manipulation: "do you see I'm wearing my ring?" I am still your wife
So she left for the separation apartment "just for tonight" without us telling the kids anything. (Told the kids she was visiting her sick mother.)
Brother, she is sick. You are so far beyond the safe zone that you have to keep her away from the kids except for what the judge allows for visitation. How many hours ago did she make the 'still your wife comment'?
Get the S done. See your lawyer. Right now
What makes a woman leave her young children like this? Unless there is physical or emotional abuse in the home (well, there is, but it's not coming from me), what in god's name are these people doing? We all have "issues," are to some extent "damaged" if we have lived life at all, but dammit, you do what you need to do for your children.
Sorry, the more angry I get, the pithier I get.
For now, try to wrap you mind around the fact that this is who she is. Stop trying to treat her like a rational person, she isn't. Stop hoping that if you wait one more day she will be rational again, It won't happen. Think about sitting down with the kids tomorrow and what you will say to them. Keep as much the same for your kids as you can, but don't hide the truth from them either. Don't give them more to worry about then necessary. Finally reassure them that you 3 are a team, and you lead them as you all work together to get thru this.
We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.
Do not use the words "time out". That implies that she will be coming back after a certain time. Who knows what the future holds, but your children will cling desperately to those words, and it is something that may not happen.
Please get your kids into counseling. There is a lot of instability and turmoil in their lives right now, and they need someone to help them navigate it.
You will lose their trust if you don't start telling them the truth. This may be controversial, but you are essentially gaslighting your own children.
Tell the kids. Use age appropriate language, but NO trickle truth, or "we" statements. As far as "abandonment".... Dude, it may be that she does abandon the kids. STOP waiting for her to pull herself together to deal with this. YOU have to deal with it.
The same month of D Day, one of our sons was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer. Then followed a solid YEAR of surgeries, treatments, misery. And guess what! WXH was there for NONE OF IT. So yes, my son feels abandoned....BECAUSE HE WAS.
You cannot control or influence her choices, even when they have to do with the kids. Just tell them. Mommy is moving out. Mommy and Daddy cannot live together right now. You (the kids) did nothing wrong. You are still loved, still safe. I would caution YOU not to tell them that "Mommy loves them". That is for HER to say, and if she doesn't, it will only sound fake coming from you.
I tried for a long time to tell my son that Daddy loved him, that Daddy was divorcing ME, not him. But WXHs ACTIONS spoke otherwise. So I stopped.
All you can do is love and take care of those kids. Straight answers. NOW.
And I agree....counseling might help them if they are seeing their mom break down.
I hope that tomorrow is the day you tell your kids the truth, and start your new life. If you aren't honest with them, they will feel that they can trust no one. Be the person they can trust.
[This message edited by SadMad2012 at 9:14 PM, May 5th (Sunday)]
Does she have family? Does she have friends? Does she have a phone that is capable of making a call to someone that can give her objective and clinical advice on her meds?
I think I understand why you are doing so, but it seems that your wife's emotional needs are taking precedence over your children. She has a "separation" apartment and another man - there is nothing at all stopping her leaving NOW.
Your kids do not deserve to be lied to or having her coming and going and flashing her wedding ring. I am assuming she keeps this ring on when she visits OM?
Believe me, it will be kinder on you and your children if you sort out this mess now, especially as you say you are done.
Specifically, And when I retrace my previous relationships, a disturbing and revealing pattern emerges: when a girlfriend began to come too close, began to really fall in love with me, I backed off. More than backed off--I broke up with them. When a girlfriend's interest waned, I became obsessively jealous and agonized over it--very much like I am reacting now.
This is intimacy avoidant behavior and can be very abusive to the person on the receiving end.
Some therapists refer to it as attachment disorder and explain why you could ask your wife to do what you asked her to do.
This learned behavior runs deep and is most difficult to unravel. Without great effort made to understand why you are this way and efforts made to change to a healthy behavior and non-abusive manner within which to relate you are destined to repeat these behaviors and relationship styles.
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
I'm speaking from experience regarding dealing with a WS with mental health issues. You want to control the situation so that your WS doesn't have a breakdown. YOU cannot control that. This is why it is SO important that your kids be in IC. It's not if but when your WS has a breakdown, you want your kids to be able to have therapeutic support in place.
I was trying to control my situation because I was afraid that my stbx was going to make good on his threat to blow his head off and have the kids find him. Both my children's therapist told me that I can't control what my stbx does. And that IF my stbx did do that, the therapists would do all that they could possibly do to support my children through it. I needed to hear that.
Get your children support from a therapist asap.
Spoke to my wife this morning. She said she "can't be rushed with this."
(We had agreed to ninety days of separation before we either reconcile for good or divorce.)
What she is referring to is not only giving up the OM but for her to "heal"
from the damage that I caused HER in asking her to sleep with sleep with other men over two years ago. And the damage and anger she feels is ultimately linked to her childhood sexual abuse, which I should have considered before asking her to do this.
I am not being sarcastic, just reporting her side.
She is very angry at me for my role and cannot let anything go--not the OM, not her childhood trauma (I know that is the hardest and I sympathize endlessly), not her anger at me.
I am not being trite or glib. I am not saying, "Oh, just let it go." But it seems to me that at a certain point, to move on past even the deepest conflict in life, you simply must find the strength to let go. Sacrifices must be made and scary risks taken. (I know, this applies to me as well.)
I am hanging over the edge of the cliff. Guilt is keeping me here. Yes, all she needs is more time, more time, always more time. For two years, always more time.
Advise me, urge me. Thank you, friends.
She gives no timeline, only that you will have to wait until she feels emotionally strong enough to break free from the OM, which could take years, if ever.
This is plainly unsatisfactory; she feels completely justified in sitting on the fence and you won't file to force her off her pedestal.
Separation is crazy; it just gives her what she wants, freedom to develop her relationship with OM and will not mend her fractured marriage.
Tell her that you cannot go on like this. Either she lets go of her anger, comes home permanently to rebuild, or you divorce. She has openly stated to you that she will continue her affair with the OM, afterall you did give her permission to sleep with other guys and she is going to use this to punish you.
Yes anger and retribution go hand in hand and she feels that she needs to withdraw from your relationship to compensate for the hurt and rejection you supposedly caused her.
To summarize; she won't quit the affair until she feels sufficient payback has been received for your former sins. Resentment is at the heart of her attitude and you either wait until she feels 'ready' or say you've had enough and file for divorce. Its your choice.
Stop engaging her. You are only causing yourself more pain and grief. She is now blaming you for her choices again.
Be done with this.
Be strong, move forward, and protect yourself and your kids.
I hope you've had enough soon Abbondad. I really do.
She is pulling all of this and you haven't even hit the real rocky part yet. When she realises you're serious.
Buckle up friend.
She is saying hell no, you wanted this, now you can wait until I say its over. Then she convinces herself she was greatly wronged, rejected and cast away by you when you initiated an open marriage. Hence the resentment.
She has no problem with you asking her to end the damaging affair; she just thinks she should decide when, not you.
This stubborn resentment is just power play and your children are caught in the middle. My advice hasn't changed. Get her to come home, give up the apartment and work together to put the past behind you and rebuild the marriage OR separation and divorce as quickly as it can be arranged. No in-between mind games with your children the victims.