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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad...
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Everyone.

So she left for the separation apartment "just for tonight" without us telling the kids anything. (Told the kids she was visiting her sick mother.) She kept peppering me with questions about what to do, but I did not want to talk to her and told her so.

What makes a woman leave her young children like this? Unless there is physical or emotional abuse in the home (well, there is, but it's not coming from me), what in god's name are these people doing? We all have "issues," are to some extent "damaged" if we have lived life at all, but dammit, you do what you need to do for your children. You make painful sacrifices.

I just realized that the last two sentences could equally apply to me...

Anyway, right now I am not sobbing--I will save that for later--but I am angry. A quiet cool anger at her and all the men and women who have done this to their families.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not helping your kids out by letting her go in an out of their lives. You need to make a decision and take action. I know it's not easy but your kids deserve to have some stability in their life. You are not providing that right now either. You need to be in counseling if your not already. Good luck.

Posts: 452 | Registered: Aug 2009
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and one parting dagger of manipulation: "do you see I'm wearing my ring?" I am still your wife

Really? In what M would
So she left for the separation apartment "just for tonight" without us telling the kids anything. (Told the kids she was visiting her sick mother.)

be acceptable?

Brother, she is sick. You are so far beyond the safe zone that you have to keep her away from the kids except for what the judge allows for visitation. How many hours ago did she make the 'still your wife comment'?

Get the S done. See your lawyer. Right now

What makes a woman leave her young children like this? Unless there is physical or emotional abuse in the home (well, there is, but it's not coming from me), what in god's name are these people doing? We all have "issues," are to some extent "damaged" if we have lived life at all, but dammit, you do what you need to do for your children.

she is in the land of unicorn farting skittles where there are no consequences for real world actions.

Sorry, the more angry I get, the pithier I get.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2540 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad, I think the hardest thing to accept is that this is who she is. It will take a long time for her to snap out of it, IF she ever does. Didn't you write that her mother mentioned BPD? This isn't all that new then.

For now, try to wrap you mind around the fact that this is who she is. Stop trying to treat her like a rational person, she isn't. Stop hoping that if you wait one more day she will be rational again, It won't happen. Think about sitting down with the kids tomorrow and what you will say to them. Keep as much the same for your kids as you can, but don't hide the truth from them either. Don't give them more to worry about then necessary. Finally reassure them that you 3 are a team, and you lead them as you all work together to get thru this.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
roughroadahead
♀ Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agreed. This may be a little 2x4, which isn't really my style. However, it is apparent your children are suffering. I'm not sure what you fear with regard to your children, exactly, but whatever it is, it is infinitely preferable to what you're doing now. You are lying to your children. While it is not appropriate to go into details of the affair, you owe them an explanation.

Do not use the words "time out". That implies that she will be coming back after a certain time. Who knows what the future holds, but your children will cling desperately to those words, and it is something that may not happen.

Please get your kids into counseling. There is a lot of instability and turmoil in their lives right now, and they need someone to help them navigate it.

You will lose their trust if you don't start telling them the truth. This may be controversial, but you are essentially gaslighting your own children.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 725 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
Grace and Flowers
♀ Member
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second what everyone else is saying here.

Tell the kids. Use age appropriate language, but NO trickle truth, or "we" statements. As far as "abandonment".... Dude, it may be that she does abandon the kids. STOP waiting for her to pull herself together to deal with this. YOU have to deal with it.

The same month of D Day, one of our sons was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer. Then followed a solid YEAR of surgeries, treatments, misery. And guess what! WXH was there for NONE OF IT. So yes, my son feels abandoned....BECAUSE HE WAS.

You cannot control or influence her choices, even when they have to do with the kids. Just tell them. Mommy is moving out. Mommy and Daddy cannot live together right now. You (the kids) did nothing wrong. You are still loved, still safe. I would caution YOU not to tell them that "Mommy loves them". That is for HER to say, and if she doesn't, it will only sound fake coming from you.

I tried for a long time to tell my son that Daddy loved him, that Daddy was divorcing ME, not him. But WXHs ACTIONS spoke otherwise. So I stopped.

All you can do is love and take care of those kids. Straight answers. NOW.

And I agree....counseling might help them if they are seeing their mom break down.

I hope that tomorrow is the day you tell your kids the truth, and start your new life. If you aren't honest with them, they will feel that they can trust no one. Be the person they can trust.

Good luck.

[This message edited by SadMad2012 at 9:14 PM, May 5th (Sunday)]


I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1148 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
AppleBlossom
♀ Member
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad, there are a ton of health professionals that can assist your wife with her health issues. Let them deal with it.

Does she have family? Does she have friends? Does she have a phone that is capable of making a call to someone that can give her objective and clinical advice on her meds?

I think I understand why you are doing so, but it seems that your wife's emotional needs are taking precedence over your children. She has a "separation" apartment and another man - there is nothing at all stopping her leaving NOW.

Your kids do not deserve to be lied to or having her coming and going and flashing her wedding ring. I am assuming she keeps this ring on when she visits OM?

Believe me, it will be kinder on you and your children if you sort out this mess now, especially as you say you are done.


Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You mention physical, or emotional abuse in your home.
Specifically, And when I retrace my previous relationships, a disturbing and revealing pattern emerges: when a girlfriend began to come too close, began to really fall in love with me, I backed off. More than backed off--I broke up with them. When a girlfriend's interest waned, I became obsessively jealous and agonized over it--very much like I am reacting now.

This is intimacy avoidant behavior and can be very abusive to the person on the receiving end.

Some therapists refer to it as attachment disorder and explain why you could ask your wife to do what you asked her to do.

This learned behavior runs deep and is most difficult to unravel. Without great effort made to understand why you are this way and efforts made to change to a healthy behavior and non-abusive manner within which to relate you are destined to repeat these behaviors and relationship styles.



------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 344 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad, I am worried that you're still thinking that the problem is that she's leaving (although, oddly and unacceptably, only for one night). The problem is that she's coming back for some reason, and that the kids are still in the dark about the fact that their parents' marriage is over. I understand why you feel like you do, really, but advise you gently that your healing will start when you really detach from her and stop thinking of yourself as a couple.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 839 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please please please get your kids into IC. It seems as if you and your stbx are both in a fog ~ you in a BS fog and your stbx in a WS fog. You both aren't able to see that what is happening is harming your children. Please make sure you get them into IC immediately.

I'm speaking from experience regarding dealing with a WS with mental health issues. You want to control the situation so that your WS doesn't have a breakdown. YOU cannot control that. This is why it is SO important that your kids be in IC. It's not if but when your WS has a breakdown, you want your kids to be able to have therapeutic support in place.

I was trying to control my situation because I was afraid that my stbx was going to make good on his threat to blow his head off and have the kids find him. Both my children's therapist told me that I can't control what my stbx does. And that IF my stbx did do that, the therapists would do all that they could possibly do to support my children through it. I needed to hear that.

Get your children support from a therapist asap.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Mediation date: 7/10/14 and 7/22/14
Final final court date: Oct 2014

Posts: 2112 | Registered: Oct 2012
laney57
♀ Member
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 4:14 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad,
I have not read any comments to your thread yet or any of your history, but at this time in my life I could have written it. You can do this (that's what I say to myself nearly every hour). Take care I look forward to reading the advice.


Me - BS, 43
Him - WH, 45
Married - 22 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me.
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
INS 07/2013 Divorcing

Posts: 226 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone's observations, advice and analysis of the situation AND of me are incredible. So astute. I so want to be on the other side if this and see it with such sharp objectivity. I hope to some day, and hopefully not too long from today.

Spoke to my wife this morning. She said she "can't be rushed with this."

(We had agreed to ninety days of separation before we either reconcile for good or divorce.)

What she is referring to is not only giving up the OM but for her to "heal"
from the damage that I caused HER in asking her to sleep with sleep with other men over two years ago. And the damage and anger she feels is ultimately linked to her childhood sexual abuse, which I should have considered before asking her to do this.

I am not being sarcastic, just reporting her side.

She is very angry at me for my role and cannot let anything go--not the OM, not her childhood trauma (I know that is the hardest and I sympathize endlessly), not her anger at me.

I am not being trite or glib. I am not saying, "Oh, just let it go." But it seems to me that at a certain point, to move on past even the deepest conflict in life, you simply must find the strength to let go. Sacrifices must be made and scary risks taken. (I know, this applies to me as well.)

I am hanging over the edge of the cliff. Guilt is keeping me here. Yes, all she needs is more time, more time, always more time. For two years, always more time.

Advise me, urge me. Thank you, friends.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, and very gently, here is my advice. She can have all the time she needs, but not married or attached to you in any way. She must heal from this herself. It sounds like quite simply she's cake-eating, Abbondad. She's shown you and is still showing you she has feelings for another man. You have said you're done. You have two small children. Only one person's needs are being addressed here - hers. You know everyone else will be along to tell you this, don't you? Yet I totally and completely understand the way you're feeling right now. Please focus on trying to gain some of that objectivity now. It's so important. You sound LOVELY. You sound like a BRILLIANT dad. You and your kids will have a happy life because you have learned so much through this process. But DON'T give her this chance... please don't wait any longer. Cut the cord.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 839 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your innocent kids can't take 90 more days of this! Forget what your wife wants or needs and please protect your children.

Posts: 452 | Registered: Aug 2009
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WW prefers the situation she is in. She has her marriage and her lover, who she goes to for emotional and physical satisfaction.
She feels justified in perpetuating this limbo you find yourself in because you 'gave her away' a few years ago and created this dysfunctional state.

She gives no timeline, only that you will have to wait until she feels emotionally strong enough to break free from the OM, which could take years, if ever.

This is plainly unsatisfactory; she feels completely justified in sitting on the fence and you won't file to force her off her pedestal.

Separation is crazy; it just gives her what she wants, freedom to develop her relationship with OM and will not mend her fractured marriage.

Tell her that you cannot go on like this. Either she lets go of her anger, comes home permanently to rebuild, or you divorce. She has openly stated to you that she will continue her affair with the OM, afterall you did give her permission to sleep with other guys and she is going to use this to punish you.
Yes anger and retribution go hand in hand and she feels that she needs to withdraw from your relationship to compensate for the hurt and rejection you supposedly caused her.

To summarize; she won't quit the affair until she feels sufficient payback has been received for your former sins. Resentment is at the heart of her attitude and you either wait until she feels 'ready' or say you've had enough and file for divorce. Its your choice.


Posts: 1689 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bingo, OKnow.

Thank you.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Simply she is continuing to manipulate you.

Stop engaging her. You are only causing yourself more pain and grief. She is now blaming you for her choices again.

Be done with this.

Be strong, move forward, and protect yourself and your kids.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7790 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good god. This is like watching a train wreck.

I hope you've had enough soon Abbondad. I really do.

She is pulling all of this and you haven't even hit the real rocky part yet. When she realises you're serious.

Buckle up friend.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5398 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know! I feel like this is an endless train wreck! Most of you have been here for way longer than I. Do my threads win as the longest ever?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From her perspective you gave her permission to develop the affair and encouraged her to make the OM an important part of her life. Now you demand that she dismantles this satisfying relationship on your timeline not hers.

She is saying hell no, you wanted this, now you can wait until I say its over. Then she convinces herself she was greatly wronged, rejected and cast away by you when you initiated an open marriage. Hence the resentment.

She has no problem with you asking her to end the damaging affair; she just thinks she should decide when, not you.

This stubborn resentment is just power play and your children are caught in the middle. My advice hasn't changed. Get her to come home, give up the apartment and work together to put the past behind you and rebuild the marriage OR separation and divorce as quickly as it can be arranged. No in-between mind games with your children the victims.


Posts: 1689 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
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