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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad...
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The very hardest thing to wrap our brains around is our "love" for our partner and learning to let go. Learning that you are in fact enabling her to continue this behavior is hard to hear. It makes you think it is your fault....but its not your fault. But what IS your fault is continuing to allow her bad behavior while involved in her A.

Your story might be a little different then others but at the end of the day the WS still behaves the same way. We see it all the time. We all can almost predict exactly what it going to happen. Sadly it is rinse, wash and repeat.

And I don't see you guys as separated. Its just a word you both are using to make it seem like you are....but she is still popping in and out and you are still engaging her and giving her more ultimatums and trying to somehow "control" the trainwreck around you.

Just like a WS who threatens suicide...and trust me mine did it so I do not take it lightly....you again cannot control what she will do or if she falls apart. You call family or the hospital or whatever if this happens but you can't control if it will or won't happen.

I was truly separated. I had to STOP talking to him, stop begging him, stop giving him ultimatums, stop reading his emails.....I just had to STOP.

And we had kids and the kids were sad yes....but they also told me after I truly put my foot down that they could feel how much calmer the house was when the dysfunction and drama was not around. They were sad when they told me that but they needed their life to be calm.

Your kids will be sad, they will hurt but they already do. Give them some safety and calm right now. Stability.

She can't. Let her go do whatever it is she thinks she needs to do and release it. Stop worrying if she will fall apart or whatever. Maybe she will need professional help. If so then only hitting bottom will get that for her.

JMO. BTDT.


Posts: 5632 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad,
Have you spoken to your children like all the posters have advised? Have you called around to find therapists for them?

Are you seeing a mental health professional yourself?

And I'm sorry if I missed this somehow, but is your wife just making up stories about an open marriage?????


Posts: 1659 | Registered: Oct 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok now,

You've summarized the situation perfectly. Add a dose of childhood trauma (again not being unsympathetic) and it is just a mess and a tragedy.

My timeline has not been an unreasonable one IMO. It's been two years. Two years. Two years of brutal punishment for one mistake. A horrific mistake, but a mistake by a fallible human being. I have expressed my remorse, pleadingly, sobbing, for two years as she carried on, her head cold and aloof without one expression of remorse or apology to me for her past and ongoing actions. Not one.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Still can't figure out the "blue box" thing.)

"Abbondad,
Have you spoken to your children like all the posters have advised? Have you called around to find therapists for them?"

Yes, my son is seeing a therapist. Both children are on anti-anxiety meds.

"Are you seeing a mental health professional yourself?"

Yes, I have been in IC for many months--the same therapist as my wife. She is excellent and we have begun to delve into my issues--why I did what I did, how I can cope with a life without her, how to move on to another relationship in a fully healed and healthy way."

"And I'm sorry if I missed this somehow, but is your wife just making up stories about an open marriage?"

I doubt it. I have no reason to believe she is.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad, tell your kids what is happening today.

Let me explain why...you are now and likely forever will be the BAD guy in your WW's eyes. This is the fate of the some BS's that M and then eventually S and D an unremorseful WS. Everything wrong in your WW's life is YOUR fault and she will take NO responsibility for it. Is this true in reality, of course not, but your WW is not living in reality and has not for a VERY long time.

She will likely NEVER tell your kids with or without you because that would mean she would have to admit she did something wrong and broke up the family. So your kids get to suffer as Mom continues to go in and out of the house and they have no idea why. What is more likely to happen is she will wait until you are not around and tell them that YOU have done something to her to make her leave. She WILL poison them against you. Yes, she won't tell them teh truth about the S or D but she will tell them Daddy hurt Mommy and made her sad. May take a bit but it's coming especially as she sees you getting stronger. The kids will become another pawn in her manipulation game. They actually already are in a way.

She will not be capable of making rationale decisions about your M, S, or D unless it is 100% her way. So just know that she is going to say it's all your fault because that's what most of them do and go ahead and tell the kids yourself so they can get some peace.

Some WS don't have the courage to do anything just or good when it comes to their family or the BS. So instead they force our hand in everything so they can continue to say they didn't do anything wrong and wanted the M and didn't want to break up and we forced them to D and have the A and everything else. The sooner you except that your WW has indeed gone totally Anakin Skywalker over to the darkside the better. The difference is their is no redemption for her. She won't be throwing the Emperor down the exhaust chute, nope she is going to continue trying to force choke the life out of you.


And this below, if it applies to you is very important.

Without great effort made to understand why you are this way and efforts made to change to a healthy behavior and non-abusive manner within which to relate you are destined to repeat these behaviors and relationship styles.

My healing involved figuring out why I ALWAYS dated and eventually married a broken woman. I had to do some of my own digging to resolve my issues or as stated any future relationships would end up the exact same way for me. I just thought I had bad luck but I kept picking the wrong people without realizing it. So changing me helped me to recognize those patterns so I make better decisions in the future. Sending you strength.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:18 AM, May 6th (Monday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1895 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

for two years as she carried on, her head cold and aloof without one expression of remorse or apology to me for her past and ongoing actions. Not one.

Then she leaves you no choice; you have expressed remorse for your 'error' asked for forgiveness and she will not cease her adultery. You should take the necessary steps to end the marriage as quickly as possible since she could literally refuse to ever cease this affair. A permanent open marriage; how convenient from her perspective, since she gets both her marriage and sexual/emotional satisfaction from her lover. A living hell for you and a decaying marriage for you both.

You have only one weapon to defend yourself, since she is oblivious to the suffering of the children, and that is divorce. If she believes you are committed to ending the marriage, you have given up and really want to move on, then she may sincerely work to repair the damage BUT I doubt she will ever show meaningful remorse since she believes she was greatly sinned against. Reconciliation without WS remorse has a high failure rate, needless to say.

If you decide to use the divorce option as a last attempt to get her to see reason, or free yourself from this sordid mess, then make the process as fast as possible; don't drag it out as you have indicated, since that will render it ineffective as a shock tactic. It will be an event far in the future which can be temporarily ignored by her.

If the divorce shock tactic works and she agrees to work on your marriage, remember you will be reconciling with a non-remorseful wife who resents being forced to reconcile. You can drag a horse to water but you can't make it drink.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Still can't figure out the "blue box" thing.)

Cut and paste the text you want quoted into the reply box then higlight it with your cursor and click on the qoute button on the left. It should put tags around the highlighted text.

[qoute]this text would be quoted in the blue box if I spelled quote correctly. It's mispelled on purpose so you can see how it should look in the reply box. Same thing with bold and italic.[/qoute]

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:24 AM, May 6th (Monday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1895 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cut and paste the text you want quoted into the reply box then higlight it with your cursor and click on the qoute button on the left. It should put tags around the highlighted text.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just testing the blue box thing. Horray, it worked. The problem was that I was not highlighting the text after pasting and before hitting "quote."

Thanks!


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Summarizing the facts you have given us:

1] You encouraged her to have an open marriage a few years ago.
2] She couldn't handle it; didn't realize you have to guard against emotional involvement in this type of alternative lifestyle.
3] She fell in love and became addicted to the affair with the OM. You became alarmed and wanted it to end.
4] She obviously can't and doesn't want to let go and pull away from the OM and she blames you for initiating the whole mess anyway. Some justification there.
5] She wants to continue the affair and gradually [hopefully painlessly] dissolve the relationship over time, until she is free of the emotional ties.
6] She wants you to wait patiently in the wings while this process unfolds.

The trouble is its been 2 years and she hasn't managed to achieve this goal of letting go. Will she ever?

Like most WS's the addiction is too strong and the affair is likely to continue for years yet. Maybe the OM will grow tired of her, maybe not.
All the anger, hostility, resentment and excuses are designed to stop you interfering with WW getting her 'fix'. There is no guilt because you blessed the affair in the first place and now you have changed your mind and she wants to continue.

WW doesn't have love or emotional ties with you like she does with the OM, and thats where her loyalty lies. Even her children seemed to come second.

You have to treat this as a severe addiction and all the reason in the world won't get her to cooperate. Giving her free access to the OM by separating will doom your marriage, so its either divorce or enforceable and total NC.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
grace68
♀ Member
Member # 28241
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But it seems to me that at a certain point, to move on past even the deepest conflict in life, you simply must find the strength to let go. Sacrifices must be made and scary risks taken. (I know, this applies to me as well.)

I am hanging over the edge of the cliff. Guilt is keeping me here. Yes, all she needs is more time, more time, always more time. For two years, always more time.

Advise me, urge me. Thank you, friends.

Take your own advice. It's time to let go of WW. The Drama Triangle cannot survive if one of the legs is removed. You've been given a lot of good advice. You know what you need to do.

Guilt is not production. If you are feeling any guilt, it should only be reserved for your children. But resolve would be a better choice than guilt, resolve that from this moment forward your will protect them and

simply must find the strength to let go. Sacrifices must be made and scary risks taken


Me - BS
Him - Doesn't Matter
Status: Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Apr 2010
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading this thread with growing horror. For your children.

Do you have ANY concept of what you are doing to them with this constant drama loop???? They are in IC. They are on anti-anxiety meds. And yet YOU KEEP SUBJECTING THEM TO THE CRAZY!!!!!!!

Honestly, at some point this crosses the line into child endangerment! You KNOW what the two of you are doing is toxic to your kids but YOU. KEEP. ON. DOING. IT.

YOU KIDS ARE PAYING THE PRICE!!!!!!! NOT YOU. NOT YOUR CRAZY WIFE! THE KIDS!!!

I'm sorry for shouting at you, but for the love of all that is Holy, get your shit together!!!!!

I've spent a fair amount of time in the land of crazy and did to my kids what you are doing to yours. The damage is significant. I will never forgive myself for what my kids went through because I kept selfishly choosing to subject them to the crazy train that was my marriage to their father. We've been divorced for 10 years now but there is still residual damage.

Stop. Just fucking stop. Your WW needs to get the fuck out of the house and STAY out!!! No more back and forth. NO more dramatic tearful exits with the children sobbing in the corner.

Why don't you just start beating them instead? It would be kinder than what the 2 of you are doing to them now.

I know this has been REALLY harsh. But I am sitting here bleeding for your kids. I want to slap the shit out of your wife. And then out of you.

Man the fuck up and stop the crazy for your kids! You keep USING them as an excuse to stay on the crazy train. You don't want to traumatize them. Dood! They have been SO traumatized already that getting their mother out of the house and stopping the drama would be the KINDEST thing you could do for them at this point.

Please, please, PLEASE put your kids first. They don't deserve this.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1017 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^ Ditto to everything CheaterMagnet said.

Wife has panic attack tonight and says she must leave immediately so we can "grow" in our relationship, says I am too controlling and won't let her "grow." I retort (quietly, calmly) that perhaps the reason she senses I have been controlling is that she lied and reestablished contact with the AP and I would be more inclined to "let her grow" if she were not having an affair (physical or not at this point).

Logic fails to penetrate utter self absorption and she leaves in tears as six year old begs her not to go and nine year old slams out of the house.

Please read what you wrote here again and again until the horror of what you two put your kids through really sinks in. Both of you have to stop it. NOW.


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2099 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
FirstLoveGone
♀ Member
Member # 25957
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You two are so unhealthy for each other. I think you both feed off the drama. From the start of this "open" marriage till now, you two have shown how incapable you are of being in a healthy marriage. It is too late to go back now. You need to move forward for the sake of your children and get the fuck out of Dodge.

Please, stop the drama train. Your children deserve better than this. What you are both subjecting them to verges on emotional abuse.


Posts: 1269 | Registered: Oct 2009
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I third what CheaterMagnet said!

I moved out and left my house with the kids to move into a small condo because the kids suffer, suffer and suffer more.

Your kids are on medication!
They need stability. Get tough, get strong and put them first! Get her out.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wife agreed to divorce. She is moving out this weekend and we begin mediation next week. Thank you for your care and concern. I promise, our children will no longer suffer through this or future exposure to our drama.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I third what CheaterMagnet said!

I moved out and left my house with the kids to move into a small condo because the kids suffer, suffer and suffer more.

Your kids are on medication!
They need stability. Get tough, get strong and put them first! Get her out.
The circus has to end! You have the power to protect your children from this horrible life. Do it.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your care and concern.

I'm glad you posted this as it means you realize that all the harsh words and 2x4's are because we care and are very concerned. I was lucky enough to have some people IRL put me in check when I needed it before I found SI.. I would find it hard to believe any divorcing couple was able to keep everything hidden from the children, but any time they weren't able to, they needed a 2x4..

I promise, our children will no longer suffer through this or future exposure to our drama.

That's a great promise, and I hope you keep it. Her moving out this weekend seems like too far away to me. Hell, later tonight would seem like too far away to me. There's been so much drama, and I don't know how that magically stops right now..

I really liked the analogy someone posted earlier of the bosses closing the door, making the employee anxious and nervous of what's going on. Even if you guys keep your talks confined to a bedroom or outside or whatever, and are able to keep your voices down, and not come out crying or upset, I think you will still be making the children nervous.. I have no idea how you would be able to interact with her right now without confusing them. Acting all nice seems wrong. Acting rude seems wrong. Actually, ignoring each other seems wrong too..

You had mentioned your wife's "utter self absorption" earlier. Just please don't you be utterly self-absorbed either when it comes to the children. They need to come FIRST. Before you, before your feelings, before your wife, before anything.

Good luck..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2099 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is odd AD

But it seems to me that at a certain point, to move on past even the deepest conflict in life, you simply must find the strength to let go

Why you would question her inability to move on, but you are content with your own...


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brother, the children were/are a huge concern in all of this. You are also hurting, and hurting badly. Please keep posting. The entire premise of this site is surviving infidelity.

Now that the imminent crisis is (somewhat) handled, how are you doing? I'm sure you are shocked at the ease with which she has thrown everything away. You are probably surprised by your own reactions to it. Please, prepare yourself for a blizzard of emotions. It's gonna be a heck of a ride.

Remember her comment to her sister about the impending D? Please seek legal counsel prior to and mediation. Ask what the best case worst case scenarios will be. Protect yourself.

We are here to help.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2713 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
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