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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad...
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely the right thing to do.

There is no venom in True Remorse. Whether in R or S/D. I would bet my right arm you'll see venom. Then you'll know its regret, not true remorse.

Stay strong friend. Ignore anything she says that is not directly kids/finances related. No personal stuff.

NC = No New Hurts.

Think of what you overcame and what you did just for the possibility of R. She's not DOING any of it. Not one little bit. All you're seeing is regret. She doesn't want things to change. Nice husband and family at home and the single girls life too.

Fuck.That.Shit. You deserve better. We all do.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5619 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wife called, a total wreck. Voice trembling, she asked, "So this is really happening? Is this what's happening?"

"Yes," I simply said.

She hung up.

Steady, Abbondad, steady...


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1649 | Registered: Dec 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strength brother. Is there someone IRL you can call to come over? Have a VAR handy. She sounds like she's cycling rapidly. Her sister will probably try to build her up and piss her off, then come over.

Watch your back


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3032 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dad, if the kids are with you: Turn your phone off and make sure all of your doors are locked.....

And 54's suggestion to have a friend (a male one) come over is a very good one....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8112 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things aren't that dramatic... She is playing with the kids and holding back tears. Refuses to speak to or look at me. I'm just backing off and letting the mood be what it is. I don't want any sturm and drang right now.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 7:55 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1649 | Registered: Dec 2012
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought she was leaving tonight?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8112 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need a VAR or someone around friend. Several BH here and IRL have been subjected to false allegations of violence.

Don't give her a chance to set you up. IMO she is just the type to pull that shit.

Stay strong. You won't regret it. Best to fast track to the crazy shit - you were going there anyway, speeding it up will get it over and done with + will help you detach.

And believe me - sometime soon you will have seen enough and been through enough that there is NOTHING she could possibly do to convince you to consider R. Not a single thing. You won't be tortured by or paralysed by these last little pangs of hope.

It's amazing to watch them behave directly to script. I was shocked when I realised the sad clown was tryingon exactly what every other WS was trying on.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5619 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job on staying the course. If your WW was serious about R then she can still do the work after D. If she was serious and was going to do the work then she would do so whether you were M or D. As strongbutbroken said you will likely be past the point of no return and won't want her back if she ever does wake up. Stay strong man, you are doing fine!


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1914 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just checking on you brother, a little worried knowing that she was there last night.

are you okay?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3032 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, i am fine. Quick update on the run.

Everything is ok. She has not left yet. I know, maybe a contradiction in terms. But Things have calmed down. Kids happy, she and I are behaving in front of them. MC tomorrow to discuss how to tell kids.

Nothing's changed. Holding firm. She's coming at me with everything's she's got from the self pity stage. The anger stage having been dropped for now.

She Went to bed angry then woke me at 2:00 AM in tears. I don't want to lose you. I am dead inside. I feel like I am dying. I am terrified. Tried to lure me into a discussion of "Us." I did not engage. I was politely comforting but distant.

Everything is still a go. I have not caved. She sees it and is very alarmed.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 1:04 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1649 | Registered: Dec 2012
LonelyHusband
♂ Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abandondad

You thanked everyone for giving you the strength to seperate from this toxic woman, but you havent't seperated.

You thanked everyone for giving you the final kick you need to start the divorce, but have you done that - because my guess is you haven't. you don't need to discuss how to tell the kids first, or work out the details. You just need to file if that is your decision. Otherwise you are simply avoiding scary decisions.

You haven't thrown her out. Are you still sleeping in the same bed? trying to get a feel for what you have actually changed?

I'm concerned that given enough time you are going to see hope here and just fall for it. She will keep changing strategies until something works.

why are you comforting her. When I was in Chicago this year I was approached late at night by a young man who asked me the time, and then revealed that he wanted to show me his shiny new automatic knife in addition to kindly offering to carry my wallet and laptop for me. After a brief and fruitless discussion I kicked him so hard I'm surprised his testicles didn't come out of his ears and then relieved him off his knife so he could look for his missing gonads. I didn't stop to comfort him. I just put my new knife in my pocket and walked away. When people abuse you and abuse your trust, you cut contact with them so they cannot hurt you any further.

I loved my wife desperately, but I had to recognise in the end that being with her was killing me. The day I filed was the best day in the whole process. I felt free, alive. I had hope for the first time. We reconciled later. I sincerely hope you wil come on here and correct me but I'm getting the feeling you are saying what WE want to hear, but have actually taken no truly decisive action. If that's true, then just say so - we're not here to shout or point fingers at you. We're here to help.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 1:35 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
Its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
hobbeskat
♀ Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry but I second this. Why is she still there?

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Friends,

All I can say for now is that

We are not fighting or sobbing or having hushed conversations in front of the kids. I cannot "throw her out." I am not engaging her and this has disarmed the tension in the house.

As far as taking steps toward divorce, as I said before, we have scheduled our first mediation session for the week after next. It is proceeding. I am not "filing" as we are going through a mediated divorce and the process is quite different.

Tomorrow evening we are going to our MC to update her and to consult on when and what to tell the kids. At that time I plan to also discuss my wife's behavior. This is I believe important--a professional buffer rather than confronting my wife in the home or worse, in front of the kids.

I'm sorry if this is aggravating or disappointing to anyone. I am doing the best I can.

Thank you, everyone.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1649 | Registered: Dec 2012
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every situation is just a little different. I think we could all agree we would not want to in your shoes, as we know the pain all to well. We just want to see you have some relief from it.

Don't hide, minimize or otherwise mislead the therapist in her behavior. They need to know what she has been doing. She needs the accountability coming from a professional.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, if I, the perpetually hopeful fool, held out any distant hope that she would do the right thing on her own, without me pleading or prodding, with the reality of divorce looming, it is gone now.

She called from work and said she needed to "calm down." Two hours later she calls. I ask her if she felt better. Yes she said.

"Did you go to him?" I ask. Long pause.

"I spoke to him, yes. Among other people." What a fucking pitiful lie.

It escalated into her saying--brace yourselves--"See? This is why it won't work. You can't trust me. This is an attack on me. An unwarranted attack."

And she hung up.

I want to tell the kids after our therapists appointment and then I want her out of the house, and I wish, out of my life. Unfortunately I will have to see this stranger's face for years to come.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1649 | Registered: Dec 2012
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't argue with crazy. She has a desperate need for this other guy. Let her have him.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 845 | Registered: Nov 2012
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad, let go. She is making HER choices not caring one iota how they effect you or your children. Time to make YOUR choices and not be concerned if she likes them or not. I have been in your shoes, I really HATE those shoes. I did realize this, I would no longer help my xWH live in lies. We would all live in truth and that meant my kids would see who and what he chose over the beautiful family we had. You cannot protect her from herself and her choices. You can only protect you and the kids from being hurt by her choices from now forward.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1781 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things aren't that dramatic... She is playing with the kids and holding back tears. Refuses to speak to or look at me. I'm just backing off and letting the mood be what it is.

Do you honestly think your kids aren't picking up on this????? If they were toddlers I could agree with you. But at the ages you specified and with what you have already told us about them, I call bullshit.

Your kids are noticing EVERYTHING right now. And they are internalizing it. And it won't be good when it comes out.

Please get her out of there. You're still on the crazy train. You're just in the Quiet Car.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1038 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
JamieMc
♀ Member
Member # 37776
Exclaimation  Posted: 11:35 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dad, I wouldn't worry about aggravating or disappointing S.I., not that I am in any way entitled to speak for this fine group of people, just my humble opinion. Concern yourself with your children's welfare, along with your own peace of mind. At the end of all of this, however your marriage resolves, the vast majority of this support group will be nameless, faceless user names, but your kiddos only get one Dad! I am not in any way diminishing the outpouring of support you have received from S.I., as I have as well. I am just swinging a gentle 2x4 in the hope that you will remember the little ones that will be forever in your life. I posted before that I prayed for YEARS that my Mom& Dad would split because it was so stressful living in that environment. My childhood would have been sooo much better if they had separated sooner. Feel free to PM if I can help in any way. All the best Jamie


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
Grace and Flowers
♀ Member
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something doesn't smell right, here. Just my two cents. AD....you've had the benefit of tons of advice....all pretty much the same. You have repeatedly replied to everyone with lots of words, but little action.

But then I see you posting on another thread asking if you can delete all your posts, that you're afraid you've said too much, that you're scared it will be used against you. And then you keep on going, over and over the same stuff.

Don't get me wrong. I'm on your side, and especially hoping that those kids can somehow get some help with healing. We ALL understand how difficult this all is. But like LH said....you seem to just keep finding excuses to prolong the misery. And hey....some of us do that. But for gods sake, please wake up, just enough, to do what is right for those kids. CM is right...the kids are absorbing ALL OF THE DRAMA.

It sounds to me like you are still somehow being nourished by the drama...that the push and pull of power between you and your WW is addictive in some way. I can only continue to add my voice to others in saying STOP. Please, just stop long enough to protect your children. Your WW has shown you she won't. Please, step up and be the parent they need. Now.

And what if, for some reason, your appt with the MC is cancelled? How much longer will you wait to "tell the kids"? There are THOUSANDS of us who did NOT "tell the kids" jointly with our WS. Who didn't wait for some point in the future for someone to tell us how to do it. We just did it. And, you've had a whole chorus of voices here advising you on how to do it.

I hope it gets done today.


I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1177 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
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