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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad...
Grace and Flowers
♀ Member
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops, sorry...double post.

[This message edited by SadMad2012 at 11:41 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1171 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Also...

You can't argue with crazy

There's no more excuses left for what she's doing. Dude, she admitted that she called/saw him and has the cojones to berate your trust of her in the same breath?!?!?!

Get that 50 foot pole out, man. There's nothing left regarding her but hurt for you and the kids.


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17328 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
LonelyHusband
♂ Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your story is that you have a wife who is emotionally abusing you, emotionally abusing your kids. She is actively in an affair and happily telling you, and you are talking about mediation, and strategies for telling the kids. you are living in the same house and, I suspect, sleeping in the same bed. You are posting pretty much daily that this time you are done, this time there is nothing left. You've had dozens of people write hundreds of posts across several threads in different forums with the same advice, which you have acknowledged. But then you go right back to talking with her and post on here as if you are surprised. This goes beyond codependency and into the realms of head-scratching and chin stroking.

AD I'm done with your threads. I wish you the best of luck, but something doesn't sit right with me either and I don't want to contribute to the drama any more. I can't work out if we are not seeing the whole picture here or whether you are actually getting off on the drama, but either way I'm sorry I couldn't help you.

LH

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 2:17 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone--and especially Lonelyhusband, whose 2x4s have gotten me this far, farther than I actually thought I would come, to a real appointment with a divorce mediator--please do not despair of me and walk away.

If it is too agonizing to hear how slowly this is going or the latest betrayal and my seeming inaction, I understand. Maybe I should hold off on posting until the divorce is final, or at least firmly underway.

I am quite alone in all this, but for your support (and my therapist's). I have friends IRL of course, but none particularly close and certainly none with the understanding and wisdom that comes from bitter shared experience in this matter. My family is deceased but for an estranged brother.

I don't say this for self-pity, just to express my dependence on all of you--a very special fraternity of pain and sage words. I am grieving the death-throes of what I thought had been a wonderful marriage and it is excruciating. I hope you will continue to bear with me and see me through--even as I stumble and stagger--to the New Beginnings forum.

Thank you for everything.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't stop posting, and everyone here wishes only the best for you. It's just that so many of us have been exactly where you are - the struggling to let go, to believe that someone really isn't who you thought they were, grieving for the family life you thought you were going to have... You are at a really rough part of the road, but it will smoothen out, it really will, and you will create a new reality with your kids that will be better than you can imagine now. It's just that I can see you constantly stepping back from that bridge into your new life, and back into the crazy world of your wife's bad choices. Your life is your life, Abbondad, and even if you make some of us bang our heads against a metaphorical wall in frustration, the SI community will be here for you, as it was for me when I was there.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
What2do
Member
Member # 497
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe everyone has to handle their own personal situation their way and on their own timeline.

Since when did the advice we give have to be followed on our timeline. When we first came here did we ignore our inner instincts, and just do what someone on the internet advised is to do?

Please everyone, remember we are here to support each other, not dictate actions to each other. To give opinions, and yes, recommendations. However, each individual, has to follow their own path as to what is right for them at that time.


Character is what you do when no one is watching.
There is the right path and the easy path - which one will you take?

Posts: 1279 | Registered: Sep 2002
myalterego
♀ Member
Member # 32756
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad, I know it is tough to tell the kids and you are waiting for "the right time".

Honestly, they know.

When you actually come out and tell them, although they will be sad for the life that no longer is (as you were), they will be relieved. Because finally, they can put a name to all the craziness that has been going on lately. They know there is tension, that mom is/is not/is moving out, that things are different. NOT telling them isn't fair - they deserve the right to know what is going on with their family.

Good luck. I hope you find the way to approach this subject, but I think you should do it sooner rather than later. Ironically, one of the times that I find is a really good place to "talk" to kids is in the car - because we are all there, but we don't have to make eye contact and get the hyperintensive "what is the reaction" look and someone can take a break and look out the window for a bit. If it is really bad, pull over for hugs.

Seriously, be fair to the kids... they know there is a cancer - just tell them what the name of the cancer in the house is.


Posts: 135 | Registered: Jul 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Friends,

We are telling the kids tonight and she is movig out. Please, no 2x4s. I am in agony. I just need reassurance yet again that this is the right, the only way with a completely remorseless person who refuses to make one sacrifice for her marriage and family even as she professes her deep love for me.

This sounds so pathetic and childish, but tell me again what everyone here reiterates constantly--that I will survive, that I will thrive and find happiness and love and strength. That I fought long and hard for my family--two years--and there is nothing else I could possibly have done.

Thank you so much.

David


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
5yrsout
♀ Member
Member # 32109
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Hugs!!))))

Be strong. You need to do this. YOU DO NOT HAVE A CHOICE.

I know you want to continue to hold out hope - and who am I to bash that - but, please PROTECT your children first.

If your wife is capable of fixing her issues, she can do so while the children are safely cared for by you - one sane parent, please.

YOU WILL SURVIVE.

Use your love for your children and concern for THEIR well-being to get you through.

I know it is hard to detach. Let. Go.

Put your energy into your children. CARE ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS ONLY. Ignore your own and your wife for today.

GOOD LUCK.
You are doing the ABSOLUTE only thing you can in this horrific situation. We know you want a different outcome. Of course you do. But, you need to separate and let your wife begin to heal (if she can) on HER OWN.

HUGS. HUGS. HUGS.
Focus on your children right now and for the foreseeable future. THEY will get you through this. Caring for THEIR needs is the ONLY thing you need to do right now.


Now 7 Yrs Out - my prince is a frog
DD 5/15/2006

Posts: 774 | Registered: May 2011
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ad. No 2x4 here but a thank you for your kids. You will feel better when te drama is out of your home. But I suspect that it has gone on so long that you may feel weird not having it. When you feel that need or tug to get drawn back in or to contact her do something else go for a run, play with the kids have them help you cook a meal. Bond with them. This will give you strength and peace.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8506 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that I will survive, that I will thrive and find happiness and love and strength. That I fought long and hard for my family--two years--and there is nothing else I could possibly have done.

You will survive.
You will thrive.
You will find happiness.
You will find strength.
And when you are ready, you will find love. You already 'have' love in the form of your kids. Let that be enough for now.

There is nothing else that you can do. You have given her patience, space, and time. You can't have an authentic and real marriage by yourself.

It's okay to let go now.....you will be alright.
{{{hugs}}}


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8005 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is balking now that it is dawning on her that I am serious--I am done.

"I don't feel prepared to tell the children."

(I am. She won't, ever.)

"I don't have anything at the apartment yet."

(She's got quite enough for now--it's furnished. Just take some clothes for now. Please just go.)

"Why can't we tell them Mommy and Daddy 'need a break'"?

(Um, because I don't want a break. This is not a break. This is a divorce. No more breaks for us or for you. And we are not going to lie to our children and give them false hope.)

"I feel rushed."

(Two years. I'd say we've been taking our time.)

And then, after Poor Little Girl melts away, its intended effect having failed, the Face of the Stranger makes its expected appearance: cold, resentful. I silently thank her for that. It gives me an extra jolt of resolve.

Friends, I'm sorry, but I am not going to tell the kids myself, without her. If she wants, I can just tell her with her there if she can't handle it. They need to know that Mommy is not abandoning them (yeah, I know), and we must maintain good relations for the children. She will be resentful of me for closing the bakery before she is "ready," but I need as little resentment as possible.

I hope you can understand that I am still doing the best I can and in the right direction.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will survive and this pain will fade. You will be happy again, and in the meantime you and your kids will have much-needed calm. Please make this happen. We are all here for you.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
woundedwidow
♀ Member
Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad, I have never responded to this thread before, but have followed it here since you first started posting. I believe you are setting yourself and your children up for a scene of incredible emotional drama if you tell them of the impending divorce with your WW just "there". Do you honestly believe that she will just sit there and nod emotionlessly while you tell the children that the two of you are divorcing? Or will she, in ALL likelihood, sit there with tears streaming down her face, thereby making YOU look like the "bad" person who is forcing her to leave THEM and their home. Also, it seems to me that the simple logistics of having to sit with the both of you, with your WW being in a HIGHLY emotional state, will be pure emotional torture for the children. This is one time when you really have to take one for the team (the kids and you) and tell them in a neutral, calm setting and voice how things are going to be. YOU can reassure them that their Mommy is NOT abandoning them; her actions in the future will then back that up or not. But if you take your proposed action, I really think you will be creating an emotionally harmful situation for your kids. I apologize it that seems like a 2 X 4, but your WW has already shown that HER self-entitlement pretty much come first, and I really feel that she may throw YOU under the bus in front of the kids. And as far as minimizing her resentment, the only way you can do that is to give in to her every wish; any other choice will lead to her resenting you, as she has already demonstrated.


Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
5yrsout
♀ Member
Member # 32109
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have to agree with this.


At the risk of prolinging the damage, maybe cinsider telling the kids with a Counselor present. Sorry cant remember if you have them in ic yet.

Hugs! Please update as you can...


Now 7 Yrs Out - my prince is a frog
DD 5/15/2006

Posts: 774 | Registered: May 2011
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is hard while you are in the middle of this part...to see the future. But, it is there. You just have to step into it and let the past go.

You are still engaging with her. The only response to any question at this point is:

I am telling the children tomorrow at 8am. Here is what I am going to say. "XXXXX".

Then answer nothing else and engage in no other discussion. She is manipulating you, using the old techniques that served her well in the past.

As you are telling the kids...BE PREPARED it will not go as you plan, and BE PREPARED to counteract her behavior. You may have to ask her to leave, or you need to pick the kids up and go drive, leaving her there. It may get ugly.

My WS started bawling like a child and just...it was ridiculous. I had to keep tapping on the table to try and get his attention so he would stop crying. It was short and sweet, my kids were 7 and 5 at the time, my older one asked a few questions, and that was it. WS was still crying, and I had already planned to take the kids away for the weekend (so he could move without them seeing), so 10 minutes later we hopped in the car. It worked great. WS sat there crying, in shock, and the kids and I left.

Friends of mine called and said that WS ended up at their house that night, still really upset and kept saying, "I can't believe what I have done to my kids." She said, "Never once did he mention what he did to you, cmego." That sealed it for me.

We all know how tough it is, Seriously, we have all been right where you are, especially if we have young children.

Believe it or not, things will begin to get easier now. Once you take the step, it will get easier.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4142 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
ExposedNiblet
♀ Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the best things I did for my kids was telling them about the impending divorce alone.

It was a very calm discussion. I gave them the age-appropriate version of what had happened and what was going to happen in the future. They asked questions, I answered them as best I could. There were no tears at all. Afterwards, we went for ice cream.

Guaranteed, things would not have gone so smoothly had ex-husband been present. At the very least, there would have been an endless flood of tears and sobbing, so characteristic of those 'early days'. At most, there would have been massive amounts of blame-shifting and fog-talk. Kids don't need any part of that.

I made the decision to tell the kids on my own because ultimately, their father would have lied to them (either outright or by omission), and they were entitled to the truth.

Your kids are entitled to the truth too, Abbondad.

They won't get it with your STBX there.

My friend, you have my heartfelt sympathy during this incredibly difficult time in your life - but it does get better. It really does.

You will survive this, and so will your kids.

Hang in there.


...Nibs


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took you time to get to a point where you could see her manipulations when it pertained directly to you. You are still missing the piece where she uses the kids to pull your strings as well.

It won't end until you end it. She isn't going to do it. She is not going to tell the kids and she is going to come up with every excuse in the book not to leave yet. She is going to drag this out FOREVER. If you don't get her out and tell the kids the drama and craziness will not end. You do realize that even if you tell them together it WILL be YOUR fault. Everything is already your fault in her mind. Ask anyone around her that has dealt with an unremorseful WS. So go ahead and tell the kids that Mommy is moving out. She will get pissed but she is going to get pissed anyway. Once she is gone then the next phase is making you out to be the bad guy if she hasn't already started that. Just know it's coming and live your life. You and your children can start to heal once she is out. Whether she heals or not is on her. The only people that need to know the truth about who is or who isn't the bad guy are your kids and they figure that out by you being honest with them and being stable for them.

You may not be able to do it now but you will eventually. The craziness will reach a level where you can't take it anymore. Just like you got to a point where you can recognize her patterns with you. You will get to a point where you see it with the kids and you will do it then because she won't.

I will be 2 yrs out from Dday and I took the LOOOOOOOONG way to healing and getting myself out of this mess. It is so worth it and I am not trying to be a dick when I say this but

if I had listened to the posters on SI when I arrived here in May of 2011 I would have been free from this crapstorm today. We/They are RIGHT! You will survive!

Instead I am tied legally to this woman for another year until the D is final. So listen and know that you WILL be okay. I am living proof of that and so are the other posters on the board. Jump off the cliff so you can see it's not a cliff but a curb. You can do this.


Again I am not trying to be a dick but think about what tomorrow is...yep it's Mother's Day. If she had any shred of remorse in her or even thought about anyone other than herself she would have realized that her antics are potentially leaving a permanent scar on the kids. Just think about what your kids will possibly associate with Mother's Day from now on. You will be okay man just get her out.

You asked for reassurances. I bet most of the people that give you 2X4's and respond repeatedly ARE the people that WERE YOU. We took the long way which is why we are pleading with you to end it because we KNOW it gets better and we know if you don't end it what comes next. As always man I wish you the best do what you can when you can. You have come very far since you first started posting just keep moving forward because the past is gone.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me again

As much as you would like this to play out like want, that would have in include another rational adult at the the table. There isn't one. She just showed you her dark side again. She will play the victim card during this to "win" the children and begin her Parent alienation game.

Heed the above advice to do this solo. I think there is a lot of wisdom learned the hard way in all of it.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my children on my own. Do you honestly think they haven't noticed anything.

How much more uncertainty and trauma will you put them through?

You are worrying about her feelings still. Worry about theirs.

Let this drama go. Let her go dude. Seriously.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
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