[This message edited by SadMad2012 at 11:41 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]
You can't argue with crazy
There's no more excuses left for what she's doing. Dude, she admitted that she called/saw him and has the cojones to berate your trust of her in the same breath?!?!?!
Get that 50 foot pole out, man. There's nothing left regarding her but hurt for you and the kids.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
AD I'm done with your threads. I wish you the best of luck, but something doesn't sit right with me either and I don't want to contribute to the drama any more. I can't work out if we are not seeing the whole picture here or whether you are actually getting off on the drama, but either way I'm sorry I couldn't help you.
[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 2:17 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]
If it is too agonizing to hear how slowly this is going or the latest betrayal and my seeming inaction, I understand. Maybe I should hold off on posting until the divorce is final, or at least firmly underway.
I am quite alone in all this, but for your support (and my therapist's). I have friends IRL of course, but none particularly close and certainly none with the understanding and wisdom that comes from bitter shared experience in this matter. My family is deceased but for an estranged brother.
I don't say this for self-pity, just to express my dependence on all of you--a very special fraternity of pain and sage words. I am grieving the death-throes of what I thought had been a wonderful marriage and it is excruciating. I hope you will continue to bear with me and see me through--even as I stumble and stagger--to the New Beginnings forum.
Thank you for everything.
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
Since when did the advice we give have to be followed on our timeline. When we first came here did we ignore our inner instincts, and just do what someone on the internet advised is to do?
Please everyone, remember we are here to support each other, not dictate actions to each other. To give opinions, and yes, recommendations. However, each individual, has to follow their own path as to what is right for them at that time.
Honestly, they know.
When you actually come out and tell them, although they will be sad for the life that no longer is (as you were), they will be relieved. Because finally, they can put a name to all the craziness that has been going on lately. They know there is tension, that mom is/is not/is moving out, that things are different. NOT telling them isn't fair - they deserve the right to know what is going on with their family.
Good luck. I hope you find the way to approach this subject, but I think you should do it sooner rather than later. Ironically, one of the times that I find is a really good place to "talk" to kids is in the car - because we are all there, but we don't have to make eye contact and get the hyperintensive "what is the reaction" look and someone can take a break and look out the window for a bit. If it is really bad, pull over for hugs.
Seriously, be fair to the kids... they know there is a cancer - just tell them what the name of the cancer in the house is.
We are telling the kids tonight and she is movig out. Please, no 2x4s. I am in agony. I just need reassurance yet again that this is the right, the only way with a completely remorseless person who refuses to make one sacrifice for her marriage and family even as she professes her deep love for me.
This sounds so pathetic and childish, but tell me again what everyone here reiterates constantly--that I will survive, that I will thrive and find happiness and love and strength. That I fought long and hard for my family--two years--and there is nothing else I could possibly have done.
Thank you so much.
Be strong. You need to do this. YOU DO NOT HAVE A CHOICE.
I know you want to continue to hold out hope - and who am I to bash that - but, please PROTECT your children first.
If your wife is capable of fixing her issues, she can do so while the children are safely cared for by you - one sane parent, please.
YOU WILL SURVIVE.
Use your love for your children and concern for THEIR well-being to get you through.
I know it is hard to detach. Let. Go.
Put your energy into your children. CARE ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS ONLY. Ignore your own and your wife for today.
You are doing the ABSOLUTE only thing you can in this horrific situation. We know you want a different outcome. Of course you do. But, you need to separate and let your wife begin to heal (if she can) on HER OWN.
HUGS. HUGS. HUGS.
Focus on your children right now and for the foreseeable future. THEY will get you through this. Caring for THEIR needs is the ONLY thing you need to do right now.
that I will survive, that I will thrive and find happiness and love and strength. That I fought long and hard for my family--two years--and there is nothing else I could possibly have done.
There is nothing else that you can do. You have given her patience, space, and time. You can't have an authentic and real marriage by yourself.
It's okay to let go now.....you will be alright.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
"I don't feel prepared to tell the children."
(I am. She won't, ever.)
"I don't have anything at the apartment yet."
(She's got quite enough for now--it's furnished. Just take some clothes for now. Please just go.)
"Why can't we tell them Mommy and Daddy 'need a break'"?
(Um, because I don't want a break. This is not a break. This is a divorce. No more breaks for us or for you. And we are not going to lie to our children and give them false hope.)
"I feel rushed."
(Two years. I'd say we've been taking our time.)
And then, after Poor Little Girl melts away, its intended effect having failed, the Face of the Stranger makes its expected appearance: cold, resentful. I silently thank her for that. It gives me an extra jolt of resolve.
Friends, I'm sorry, but I am not going to tell the kids myself, without her. If she wants, I can just tell her with her there if she can't handle it. They need to know that Mommy is not abandoning them (yeah, I know), and we must maintain good relations for the children. She will be resentful of me for closing the bakery before she is "ready," but I need as little resentment as possible.
I hope you can understand that I am still doing the best I can and in the right direction.
At the risk of prolinging the damage, maybe cinsider telling the kids with a Counselor present. Sorry cant remember if you have them in ic yet.
Hugs! Please update as you can...
You are still engaging with her. The only response to any question at this point is:
I am telling the children tomorrow at 8am. Here is what I am going to say. "XXXXX".
Then answer nothing else and engage in no other discussion. She is manipulating you, using the old techniques that served her well in the past.
As you are telling the kids...BE PREPARED it will not go as you plan, and BE PREPARED to counteract her behavior. You may have to ask her to leave, or you need to pick the kids up and go drive, leaving her there. It may get ugly.
My WS started bawling like a child and just...it was ridiculous. I had to keep tapping on the table to try and get his attention so he would stop crying. It was short and sweet, my kids were 7 and 5 at the time, my older one asked a few questions, and that was it. WS was still crying, and I had already planned to take the kids away for the weekend (so he could move without them seeing), so 10 minutes later we hopped in the car. It worked great. WS sat there crying, in shock, and the kids and I left.
Friends of mine called and said that WS ended up at their house that night, still really upset and kept saying, "I can't believe what I have done to my kids." She said, "Never once did he mention what he did to you, cmego." That sealed it for me.
We all know how tough it is, Seriously, we have all been right where you are, especially if we have young children.
Believe it or not, things will begin to get easier now. Once you take the step, it will get easier.
It was a very calm discussion. I gave them the age-appropriate version of what had happened and what was going to happen in the future. They asked questions, I answered them as best I could. There were no tears at all. Afterwards, we went for ice cream.
Guaranteed, things would not have gone so smoothly had ex-husband been present. At the very least, there would have been an endless flood of tears and sobbing, so characteristic of those 'early days'. At most, there would have been massive amounts of blame-shifting and fog-talk. Kids don't need any part of that.
I made the decision to tell the kids on my own because ultimately, their father would have lied to them (either outright or by omission), and they were entitled to the truth.
Your kids are entitled to the truth too, Abbondad.
They won't get it with your STBX there.
My friend, you have my heartfelt sympathy during this incredibly difficult time in your life - but it does get better. It really does.
You will survive this, and so will your kids.
Hang in there.
Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.
It won't end until you end it. She isn't going to do it. She is not going to tell the kids and she is going to come up with every excuse in the book not to leave yet. She is going to drag this out FOREVER. If you don't get her out and tell the kids the drama and craziness will not end. You do realize that even if you tell them together it WILL be YOUR fault. Everything is already your fault in her mind. Ask anyone around her that has dealt with an unremorseful WS. So go ahead and tell the kids that Mommy is moving out. She will get pissed but she is going to get pissed anyway. Once she is gone then the next phase is making you out to be the bad guy if she hasn't already started that. Just know it's coming and live your life. You and your children can start to heal once she is out. Whether she heals or not is on her. The only people that need to know the truth about who is or who isn't the bad guy are your kids and they figure that out by you being honest with them and being stable for them.
You may not be able to do it now but you will eventually. The craziness will reach a level where you can't take it anymore. Just like you got to a point where you can recognize her patterns with you. You will get to a point where you see it with the kids and you will do it then because she won't.
I will be 2 yrs out from Dday and I took the LOOOOOOOONG way to healing and getting myself out of this mess. It is so worth it and I am not trying to be a dick when I say this but
if I had listened to the posters on SI when I arrived here in May of 2011 I would have been free from this crapstorm today. We/They are RIGHT! You will survive!
Instead I am tied legally to this woman for another year until the D is final. So listen and know that you WILL be okay. I am living proof of that and so are the other posters on the board. Jump off the cliff so you can see it's not a cliff but a curb. You can do this.
Again I am not trying to be a dick but think about what tomorrow is...yep it's Mother's Day. If she had any shred of remorse in her or even thought about anyone other than herself she would have realized that her antics are potentially leaving a permanent scar on the kids. Just think about what your kids will possibly associate with Mother's Day from now on. You will be okay man just get her out.
You asked for reassurances. I bet most of the people that give you 2X4's and respond repeatedly ARE the people that WERE YOU. We took the long way which is why we are pleading with you to end it because we KNOW it gets better and we know if you don't end it what comes next. As always man I wish you the best do what you can when you can. You have come very far since you first started posting just keep moving forward because the past is gone.
As much as you would like this to play out like want, that would have in include another rational adult at the the table. There isn't one. She just showed you her dark side again. She will play the victim card during this to "win" the children and begin her Parent alienation game.
Heed the above advice to do this solo. I think there is a lot of wisdom learned the hard way in all of it.
We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.
How much more uncertainty and trauma will you put them through?
You are worrying about her feelings still. Worry about theirs.
Let this drama go. Let her go dude. Seriously.