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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad...
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Given how the vast majority of wives greatly value their families and the security of the marriage I am frankly puzzled why your wife won't let go of the OM.

She professes a deep love for you and even if she also felt that way for the OM equally, the added intense love for the children would make this a no-brainer.

The equation makes no sense; can you answer why she is attached to the OM to the extent she harms her children and destroys her marriage? It makes no sense. If she despised you and couldn't tolerate living with you I could understand her attitude.

When you ask her why can't you turn your back on the OM what is her answer? Is it a deeper love , sex or emotional addiction?

You need to take a harder attitude including telling the children and blaming her for the breakup. Time to bring out the big guns if you wish to jolt some common sense back into her.
if you don't toughen up pretty soon you will invite even more misery.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Grace and Flowers
♀ Member
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7years' post reminded me that my WXH chose FATHER'S DAY last year to finally move his big stuff out of the house, with friends (furniture, etc., he'd been gone for a while). Yep, FATHER'S Day.

Just as your WW is choosing to move out on Mother's Day weekend.

When will you stop giving her ANY consideration, and instead pour every ounce of your energy into your kids? She is gone...in the fog...probably forever.

Yes, you are grieving, and will continue to grieve. But set aside the drama with her and reassure your kids. Please. They don't deserve this continued torture of not knowing whats going on. Good luck.


I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1176 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
hobbeskat
♀ Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did the weekend go, Abbondad?

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad, I respect your right to do this the way you see fit for you and your kids. However, I too made the choice to tell our kids "together". He sat there silent, taking in the tears and pain of our children and then said the worst thing he could ever say to them, "After a while, we will give Mommy a coming home party. I promise you all Mommy will come home." The next weekend I moved to my parents house (he refused to move from the marital home and I could not take the cake eating anymore) and he threw a party at our marital home with the OW. I never again had hm present when I spoke to my children. He lied and tried to be the "good guy" right there to all of us. It was horrible for my children, hearing this promise and then having OW staying the night in their home, in their mommy's home. It is not by any means my proudest moment in all of this.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1778 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Friends,

I am back again, at the risk of the crowd closing in on me with torches and pitchforks. (But I am hoping for some support and encouragement as well, of course.)

I will cut to the chase. Wife still hasn't left, we've been playing Happy Family in front of the children. No tears, no,fights.

She cancelled our first divorce mediation meeting, saying she was "unprepared emotionally."

She didn't want to move out yet, saying she was "unprepared emotionally."

She didn't want to tell the kids, saying she was "unprepared emotionally."

Still maintained that we should not get a divorce, but rather separate--of course keeping the AP on the side. And eventually she would "heal" and be ready to cast him aside forever and "be the wife you need me to be."

And meanwhile, I would do my own "healing." Upon inquiry, she informed me that I have many issues I need to work on, including, first and foremost, my inability to love a woman as I should. I think I bit my tongue so hard at this that I drew blood.

The blame shifting is back in full force. Or rather, it never left.

(Oh, just for the record and as a possible addition to the WS Handbook? I have literally a stack of papers and cards predating the affair, all of which express the following: that I am a wonderful husband; that she can't believe how much happiness I have brought her; that she feels so fortunate to have found me; and the best: that nobody has loved her like I have, and nobody has ever known HOW she needs to be loved except for me.)

Last night after an idyllic evening with the family (dinner, music practice, TV, coloring, laundry...; it was positively surreal), she said to me, "this isn't going to work," meaning her leaving our children once again. "Maybe we can just work this out."

Today she called from work and said again that we need to separate, since she can't "give me what I need at this time"--referring to my outrageous, outlandish request that she cease her affair permanently and commit her self to her marriage her family.

I merely said, "Yes, that is what I require--now."

Her: "So does this mean I should start preparing for divorce?"

Uh, yes. That is what I have been saying.

Her final nugget: "I guess you will never understand that that is not the issue."

Meaning, her having an affair for two years is not really the issue. There are other issues that are the "real" issues. And I will never understand this.

If this is not "the issue," then it would not be so difficult to let him go now and work in the "real" issues, now would it?

And if this were not the "real" issue, then I guess her sobbing with grief each time she tried to "end" it was an illusion, masking the REAL "real issue."

In any case, I am proud to say I did not allow myself to be drawn into yet another agonizing, pointless discussion. I simply confined myself to "OK" and "I understand that is how you feel." "Let's just make this as easy on the kids as possible."

And I said goodbye.

She is going away on business for a few days and then--as god is my witness-- we are telling the children on Friday and she is moving out over the weekend.

I left a message for rescheduling for the mediator. I want to forge ahead quickly.

BTW, I do NOT anticipate this WS to get her head out of her ass and act as a real human being should. Her anger and blame will just escalate through the divorce process.

Is it wrong to wish intense suffering on her at this time?

Keep wishing me strength.

Thank you for everything, as always.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I left a message for rescheduling for the mediator. I want to forge ahead quickly.

What are you going to do when she's not emotionally ready to go to that one? Cause she won't be.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jrazz,

I will attend the meeting. If she keeps balking, I will retain my attorney and go the usual route, andmhave her served which I wanted to avoid.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Abbondad)))

I know it's not easy. I'm exhausted for you.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
woundedwidow
♀ Member
Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad, you do realize that she will continue this process, with you enabling her, until you feel like sticking pins in your eyeballs would be less painful, right? Because she has no incentive to act any differently nor does she suffer any consequences. I really wish for the sake of your children that you would tell them while she was away on her business trip; change the locks; and have her return from her trip directly to her "separation" apartment. It would be a whole lot less stressful for the kids, IMHO, than this horrible facade of "happy family" that is more like a scab over a festering wound.


Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 396 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is going on long term meds. Not sure which ones. She is already on ADs, so we are thinking mood stabilizers.

Does your wife have diagnosis, like bipolar, or were the "new meds" simply a delay tactic?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At least Mother's Day won't be tainted.

Some of us around here were gluttons for "punishment" until we got it and finally stood up for ourselves. Sounds like your close to being there.

Nothing worse than a cake eater. Especially when all they want is the frosting!


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
ExposedNiblet
♀ Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, as a previous poster said, at least Mother's Day is safe.

I'm sending you as much strength as I can. These next few weeks will be difficult, but if you make that first step, you're well on your way to happy future.

Not to sound like a broken record, but this caught my eye; you said:

BTW, I do NOT anticipate this WS to get her head out of her ass and act as a real human being should. Her anger and blame will just escalate through the divorce process.

Please, please, please reconsider allowing that toxic monster to be present when you talk to your precious children. Please.

You just finished saying that you don't expect her to act like a real human being - so why (WHY????) are you allowing her to be around you and your children during this extremely emotional, extremely vulnerable time??? Whatever that woman can offer then will only harm you and your children.

Please, Abbondad, please rethink this - not as a man who hopes his wife will follow through...but as a man who sees his wife for what she truly is.

Please.


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Given how the vast majority of wives greatly value their families and the security of the marriage I am frankly puzzled why your wife won't let go of the OM.
She professes a deep love for you and even if she also felt that way for the OM equally, the added intense love for the children would make this a no-brainer.

The equation makes no sense; can you answer why she is attached to the OM to the extent she harms her children and destroys her marriage? It makes no sense. If she despised you and couldn't tolerate living with you I could understand her attitude.

When you ask her why can't you turn your back on the OM what is her answer? Is it a deeper love , sex or emotional addiction?

Those are some of the million-dollar questions, right? I have long since given up asking her these questions directly, as these are the inevitable reactions:

Our children are the most important thing in the world to me.

There are certain needs I need met. (Whether this refers to sex, I don't know, as we have always had a wonderful sex life)

He is not the issue. You still don't understand.

And of course, the tried-and-true, "It's complicated. It's not a black-and-white issue."

Of course the questions cut to,the core of this, but the problem is that

1) these are rational questions. She is immune to reason or logic.
2) these assume that she really does love the children in a normal way that a mother should. I would kill or die--literally ANYTHING--for our children, let alone sacrificing some woman to work on our marriage for the sake of the children. This does not mean staying in a terribly unhappy or abusive marriage for their sake, but at least give it a real chance--say, trying to suffer through NC for more than one week.

The bottom line is that there are two possibilities:

1) she is mentally ill in some way, terribly deeply broken
2) she is just plain evil

I know her very well. She is not plain evil. She is the former, not the latter.

And this is what I keep telling myself to help assuage my anger and anguish: she is sick. And I can't fix her. Tragically it is the children who will suffer and be left behind in her destructive, selfish wake.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does your wife have diagnosis, like bipolar, or were the "new meds" simply a delay tactic?

I sometimes wonder. Her mom is diagnosed bipolar, and I have asked her. She scoffs at this. I do not believe she is, at least according to my layman's understanding of the disorder.

Her mom also said a few months ago, when I called her reaching out for help (she is wonderful and completely sympathetic to my side), "You do know she is BPD, right?"

So maybe it's that. I do know that something is very very wrong. (As I have explained before, her childhood sexual abuse figures prominently into all this." She has deep abandonment issues as well as terrible panic attacks, anxiety and depression.

As far as meds, she has thus far refused or at least delayed. She has also discontinued therapy, claiming that therapy is "just someone's opinion," and that the answers lie within herself only.

In any case, I cannot be her physician or her therapist. I have tried to be both for a long time. I do love her, and I am concerned about her. I would not be surprised if she has a terrible "fall" in the near future during or after the divorce. Many times she has said things like "I feel dead inside" and "I wish someone would kill me."

I informed her therapist of this (she is also my therapist) and she is concerned as well.

Please: I do not believe that the children are in any danger other than the pain of mommy and daddy divorcing. If I did, I would act immediately. Be assured of that.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For days I have struggled about whether or not to post, but I'm going to. Because I care about your kids. Everyone keeps using euphemisms and pleading with you to protect your kids, using vague words, because we all want to be kind. I'm hoping that if you actually think about what the likely consequences are for your kids to remain embroiled in this hot mess of dysfunction, you might take some definitive action to protect them and try to reverse the damage they've already suffered. This back-and-forth, lying, no stable parent, passive-aggressive stuff they've been witnessing borders on (or already is) emotional abuse, and can have significant and severe long-term effects for them.

Kids that grow up in environments such as you've described they've been in lately may act out by cutting, developing eating disorders, turning to drugs or alcohol, failing school, running away, prostitution, abusing people, putting up with abuse, or myriad other bad things. Please -- this isn't a joke. I wouldn't post if it were just you, as others have given you tons of advice that you have disregarded, but those poor kids are so innocent.

You chose to have them, and now you need to step up and protect them. You are putting your WW's wants and desires above the needs of your kids. This really needs to stop.

Your WORDS say this:

I would kill or die--literally ANYTHING--for our children
but your ACTIONS say the complete opposite by allowing this situation to continue. For weeks now, you've been saying that you're going to divorce, but then your posts are full of excuses about why you're going to play happy family with her -- which messes with the kids even more. Please, please put a stop to this. Make your actions match your words. That's one of the first steps to being an authentic person.

I know you can do this. I know it's tough. But it gets easier and you will gain strength. Someday, your kids will thank you for being a stable, loving parent, and helping to model healthy adult behavior. You've got this, my friend. You can do it.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3409 | Registered: Dec 2011
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would kill or die--literally ANYTHING--for our children.

Wife still hasn't left, we've been playing Happy Family in front of the children.

Uh huh.

(EDIT: fixed quotes)

[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 8:53 PM, May 13th (Monday)]


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 842 | Registered: Nov 2012
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have anxiety and depression, on meds for both, and I was sexually abused as a child. But I do NOT treat people like shit and use those as an excuse for my behavior. Stop letting her do that.


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has also discontinued therapy, claiming that therapy is "just someone's opinion," and that the answers lie within herself only.

Well, color me shocked! Yea....NO.

You are trying to do this the easy way.
The painless way.

What I see is that you are desperate for her to *come out of it* so that life doesn't have to change. BTDT. I get it. Dude, my Dday was 6/08. And I spent almost 4 years allowing him actively jerk me around. And giving him more time. And giving him another chance. Much as your WW is doing to you. But guess what? Did.Not.Matter. I ended up in the same place, just older. (but definitely wiser, although there's that pesky PTSD shit from that *extra* time I gave him.....)

Based on what I know of your WW from what you wrote:
If you tell the children together, she will turn it into a very traumatic experience for them with her tears and drama;
It is highly, highly unlikely (IMO) that mediation is going to work for you guys. She's just too unstable.
She is going to string this shit out forever. Meanwhile, you are living a miserable existence and she's got you AND OM. See how *well* that works out for her to be so 'emotionally unprepared'?

STOP LETTING HER DRIVE THE BUS.

No. She does NOT get to just cancel the f'n mediation appt. If she's not up to it, then she sits her ass at home. You go, sit and stare at the mediator...while he makes a note that YOU showed up and SHE didn't. DO NOT let her do this again. THIS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.

You cannot force her to move out. So whatever. STOP playing Happy Family with her.

Give her a specific date/time that the kids will be told. Tell your children that there will be a family meeting on that date/time. Write it on the calendar. Put a sticky note about it on the fridge. And then, just like the mediation thing.....your WW is free to attend or not. But the *date* will be kept.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8087 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone,

Wife left this morning for a business trip. This is a relief. And then when she returns she is moving out after we tell the kids. She told me this morning she is committed to telling them on Friday, and then Saturday, Happy Family will move her to the apartment. Prior to leaving this morning she is meeting with our son's therapist for advice on how to break the news. So all things point to this actually happening. I know, I know, but we will see.

As for your concerns about my wife breaking down or in some way sabotaging telling the kids together, it's just not going to happen. She has an eerie capability to compartmentalize, to wear an utterly convincing mask when necessary--in this case a mask of "everything's going to just great, kids!"

Because she believes it will be.

Actually I am more worried about myself breaking down when we tell them. She can be hard as nails. I am easily moved to tears when it concerns my children. And I am furious with her, and will be more so when she spins her sunshiney script to them.

If some of you are unaware, this will be the second time she is moving to this apartment. The kids hate being there and want to be with me--or even better, with both of us. There are no other children to play with, and little to do. They act out and fight, and she has difficulty controlling them alone.

She is a terrible candidate for single motherhood, as she depends on me for almost literally everything. But this is the consequence for,her actions.

They will have a safe, stable place with me in their home, surrounded by their friends and comforting routine.

I concur that she is no candidate for mediation. I gave her my notes for a possible marital settlement and she is already irate, taking issue rather nastily about child support and worse, possible alimony. (I make 60k, she makes 110k.).

The mediator told me we can meet for a half hour and if we decide it's not going to work, we can leave and won't be charged.

I always wanted collaborative divorce, in which we will both have legal advocates through the process. It's a lot more money, but not nearly as much as going through the courts.

So if mediation falls apart, then we will just go to the next option.

Thanks, everyone, for your concern, advice, and support. Couldn't do,this without you.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I am furious with her, and will be more so when she spins her sunshiney script to them.
Dude - do NOT let this be HER script.

The moment that you tell your children will be in their minds for the rest of their lives. They will remember every word spoken and will remember who said what.

Spend the next few days working on what you want them to hear. What YOU want them to know. Write it out. Rework it. Go over it with the kids' counselor. Even work on it with her if you feel it would help.

Your kids need to know you both love them. They need to know they are not to blame in any way. They need to know what this means to them - will they go to the same school, live in the same house, etc.

They need to know they can ask any question at any time. Period. They need to know that whatever they feel, it's ok. It's ok to be sad. It's ok to be angry. It's ok to be confused. It's all normal and ok.

If you make this talk all about them, you can get through it without your own anger and hurt derailing you from giving them what they need in the moment.

It will suck, but it is overdue. I know you think you two are keeping all this apart from them, but that's just delusional thinking. Trust us - your kids KNOW on some level. And they are likely bullshitting their way through this in utter confusion about what's been going on. It's time they were set free from that.

Sending you strength, Abbondad.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


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