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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad...
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j @ JamieMc:

Don't worry about the double post. Happens allll the time. It's all good.

Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17889 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 6:26 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Flaming and attacking is against the guidelines of this site. Please dial it back.

Everyone else, if you find this situation triggering you, please step back. Your point has been made.

FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live

Posts: 37461 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, friends.

We told our children late last night. It was terribly difficult but I suppose it could have gone worse. Both my wife and I kept it together and stuck to the script--literally, we had a script we'd written out.

We assured them that nothing was their fault, they did nothing wrong, ever. They are loved by both of us, we are always always there for them. (Most of the discussion were variations of this.). We tried to keep it brief and save most of the time for questions and fears.

Most of the worries actually involved the coparenting schedule. (We already had this prepared as well.)

Our nine year old was very upset at first, but I think he was not shocked. He was the one with the most questions, and I think he "spoke" for our six year old, who tends to follow his lead in emotional response and concerns. She seemed OK. We tucked them into bed with lots of hugs and further reassurances. They'd calmed down by then and went to sleep.

After, my wife and I both broke down.

Today we are moving her while the kids are at school.

I more than appreciate everyone's admonitions and support in my difficult journey. I am sorry if I did not follow everyone's precise roadmap or timetable. I've done the best I can.

Cheater magnet, your last post took the admonitions too far, and I am surprised this is permitted--to hurl vile names at a confused member struggling through agonizing decisions for his family and reaching out to this site for guidance and support, even as he fails to take all advice along every step of the way.

Yes, I know this is in the name of the children and I appreciate this greatly; however, even if you believe you were in my exact shoes shoes, you are not. Other than some universal elements, nobody's experience is the same. Nobody's. I know my children. You do not. They are uniquely our children. They are loved and they know it. They feel safe and they are safe. This morning I dropped them off at the bus like every morning, and like every morning they jumped on happily, turning back to me and shouting, "Love you!"

I know this doesn't mean that everything is fine; If there is damage they will continue to be cared for and attended to by imperfect parents who love them.

No ending is fairy tale or moves through a flawless narrative, but I feel relieved about this conclusion. Sad, but relieved.

Thank you again to everyone for your understanding.

Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

Posts: 1643 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

-t/j..cheatermagnet...for the love of dust bunnies...

End t/j

Hi AD. I know we're being hard on you. Some of us have gotten frustrated(raising my hand) because we are worried about your kids AND you. How are you today?

ETA: We were posting at the same time. Im glad the kids know,and it went "ok." Im glad they're not moving Mommy out.

You did good,dad. You did good.


[This message edited by confused615 at 6:51 AM, May 16th (Thursday)]

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7741 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((AD and kids))

I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
♀ Member
Member # 32756
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


congratulations on biting the bullet and just doing it. I know today is extremely difficult - eat, drink, rest.... rinse, repeat.

You will get through this - treat it like an addiction - it is! - one day at a time. Just get through today.

The kids weren't surprised - they "knew" - I'm glad you were able to dial down the crazy and stick to the script.

good luck.

Posts: 137 | Registered: Jul 2011
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Continuing to send you strength, AD. You've been through so much, and I know today will likely be difficult.

Keep breathing and stay focused.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25834 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am soo happy that you were able to finally do this. Your kids will get through this, and so will you.

I think you will be amazed at how good you feel when the crazymaking ends.

When the kids are with her you will find yourself alone in a quiet house, and the temptation is going to be to reach out to her/them. DO NOT DO THIS. This confusing for the kids, and repeats the crazy cycle at her place.

When you feel lonely get out, go to a local gym, join, go for a walk/run. Reach out to old friends, take up an instrument, take lessons,fill your time with doing things for you. You will find that you will slowly start to feel like a whole man again.

Good luck today, and stay strong AD. Do it for you, do it for your babies.

((((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8738 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad it well with the kids Abbondad. I'm not surprised they were mostly asking about the schedule, because children crave consistency and structure (and maybe that's what everyone saw you not giving them). They need it to feel safe, and it sounds like you just took a HUGE step in the right direction.

I don't envy you having to help her move today (though I'm thanking the heavens your kids will be at school). I would personally tell her to get a friend or something because I can't wait to hear that you have officially started no contact except kids and finances with her (though even those topics can get slippery sometimes). I know it's hard to keep emotions out of it since I'm sure you have so many right now, but she really doesn't deserve your feelings anymore. Be strong in front of her, and in front of the kids, and let your feelings and emotions about everything out here. That's what we are here for

Lots of huge hugs to you!

xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2395 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome brother. The children had to take priority for a while.

Stay strong today, you are not alone. We are here. Though at times the advise may be/sound harsh, we are here.

Strength as you deal with today! Give us an update tonight. I know this one is going to be hard.

Mojo and brayers

BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3019 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((AD and kids))

Well done. I'm glad this went well. You have taken a huge step here and I know its a hard one.

Stay strong. More will come, but this is a very big step. Keep the kids close.



Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It WILL get better Abbondad. Just remember that. If I and others on here are okay months or years after Dday then you will be okay as well. There is still more to this journey so be kind to yourself.

When I hit major hurdles along my journey that were emotionally draining I FORCED myself to go do something positive for myself or with the kids afterwards. Just getting out and doing things will help. Stay busy, start a project, go to the movies. It does help to stay busy. The anger phase is a part of the cycle. It will come and go so when/if it goes just know you will be okay and remember to try to do something productive and fun. Always move forward, never backwards.

Doing something the kids enjoy is an easy way to push the sadness away. It's hard to stay down when you see you kids having fun. We got season passes to an amusement park every year. I got them for myself and the kids again this year. Once the wife officially moves out I plan on taking them as often as I can. I know they love it and I can't help but be happy when they are having fun so it will be one of the many tools/distractions I use to keep myself on track while creating some fun memories with the kids.

Now that your WW is out you can start to focus on truly healing yourself. Start digging with your IC. I felt like I had bottomed out but that wasnt' truly what it was. This entire mess you have been dealign with isnt' you hitting bottom it's you climbing out of a deep hole you have been in for some time. It's gets little easier to keep climbing once you stop carrying your WS. Once I stopped carrying my WW I realized that I had been fighting against the inevitable and was finally able to see my own issues that allowed me to stay stuck for so long in a broken M with an unremorseful WS. So I dug into those issues in IC to get them resolved so I can make better choices in future relationships when I do decide to start dating again. As always I wish you the best man. It's a long journey but it is well worth it once you get to the other side. You will come out of this and you will be okay.

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please use Abbondad's new post:

FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live

Posts: 37461 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 333
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