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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad...
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So strange... WW came home, all seems normal. Playing with the kids... She is the same as always. Then it subtly begins:

Come here, please.

I sit next to her.

I just want to tell you I don't like this change of events.

I say nothing.

I am not going to change my last name, she says.

Why not? I ask.

Because I still have hope for us, she says.

I say nothing.

(She does not like this.)

She leafs through a self-help book I just purchased. Looks at the title.

Helps you with depression, anxiety, and intimacy? Intimacy? Intimacy with who? She demands.

I say nothing.

I predict some rapidly changing reactions in the days to come: anger, bargaining, etc. Believe me, they will fall on deaf ears. But the one thing I will not hear--what I have literally NEVER heard from her mouth--is "I am sorry."

Oh, she also drew a pretty picture of our family home with our last name on the door.

Pretty pictures, pretty words.

Not nearly enough.

I probably will shatter at a later time, but right now I must say I am not feeling as awful as I thought I would. I feel strength. Control. Self respect.

I think she is in shock.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stand strong AD...she is expecting you to cave like you have in the past.

DO NOT CAVE

Hold on and be strong ((((hugs))))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's straight up emotional abuse there.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 842 | Registered: Nov 2012
AppleBlossom
♀ Member
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry, AD, but your wife seems like a person that is not healthy for you to be around.

NC in your case would mean no more discussions about the state of your relationship, and certainly not you sitting by while she makes commments about your reading material and drawing pretty pictures for you. I am sorry, but that draws quite a sinister picture.

I wish you much strength and clarity.


Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
PanicAttack53
♂ Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Helps you with depression, anxiety, and intimacy? Intimacy? Intimacy with who? She demands.

Oh lord, that's rich AD! Standard WS head up their ass silliness. I'm so glad you're finally beginning to see her for what/who she really is. Keep it up bro... you're doing great!

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 12:41 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 59 on D-day (11/17/11) | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 900 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel strength. Control. Self respect.

Super proud of you, AD. Thank you for sharing your journey with us... I hope you can feel the support we're all sending.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17838 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I predict some rapidly changing reactions in the days to come: anger, bargaining, etc. Believe me, they will fall on deaf ears.

Beware also the soft words designed to obfuscate. Anything to keep you off balance and allow her to remain dominant.

But the one thing I will not hear--what I have literally NEVER heard from her mouth--is "I am sorry."

I hope you are right that she doesn't use them, but when she gets desperate enough, don't you think she will even resort to that? Please remember, actions, not words.

I feel strength. Control. Self respect.

How incredibly awesome. Hold onto those throughout the coming storm.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2985 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job Abbondad - keep it up.


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 4:27 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Abbondad,

I've posted before in response to your threads, and have probably come across as a harsh, unfeeling harridan. So I wouldn't be at all surprised if you didn't want to take my advice. However, your recent posts in this thread remind me of why I have responded to you so strongly - because you remind me SO much of how I was when my husband started cheating. I totally, utterly identify with your searingly honest admission that you're frightened of that empty, abandoned feeling after you divorce. That was my fear too. I felt that my union with my husband was one of true soulmates... we'd shared so much together, even once had the same dream at the same time. I thought that turning my back on that relationship would probably kill me.

You ask what was the point where it became ok? I can answer that exactly. On March 19 2010, a year to the day since his 'revelation' that he was 'seeing someone else' and our 'marriage was over', and three months after he moved out. I was walking in the woods with my dogs, and the feeling of rage and horror became so overwhelming - as it had before - that I fell to the ground screaming at the top of my voice. I was in a very remote spot and knew I would not be heard. After I'd finished screaming, I got up and actually felt the love - and the fear - leave me. I KNEW that I'd never feel them again. And I haven't. And best of all, within three months I'd met, quite by chance, someone who made me forget all about the feelings I'd had for 28 YEARS with my husband. Sure, some would say too early, and while we're still close it's not a full-time, committed relationship, but I understood completely the phrase 'moving on'.

And by the way, I was 48 years old and at least 40 pounds overweight - I'm quite intelligent and attractive, but by no means a bimbo.

Everyone will tell you it's not about your next relationship, and definitely the advice would be to heal yourself for at least a year before thinking about 'dating'. However, it's pointless anyone pretending that they don't crave the comfort of having someone who's 'there' for them... there are many dark nights.

Life is rich and amazing on the other side of the pain you're in now, I can promise you that. There will be times of aching loneliness and doubt, but also revelations of excitement, passion and joy. The feeling of NOT being treated badly by someone you love is something to value.

I know you're co-dependent, the truth is so am I, and it's a shackle I'm still trying to get free of because it ruins things with other people. That's my truth, however much I try and sound like I'm made of steel now I'm free of adultery.

I massively respect and admire the courage and openness you are showing in this struggle, and wish you peace of mind and happiness.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a change of tactic friend. In case you get to thinking she is 'getting it'. The only thing she is getting is more desperate.

I agree with a PP, this is straight up emotional abuse.

Brace yourself friend - you won't believe the bucketfuls of crazy and erratic behaviour coming your way the stronger you get.

She is a parasite who has been getting nice and fat sucking on your blood. She doesn't want to let go of such a willing host. It will take her a while to show her true face but trust me, you will see it again.

Un-be-lievable.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Understand what your wife wants out of this situation.
1] To remain a professors wife with the social respect that entails.
2] Maintain a home for the children and provide the stability of a family.
3] To be free to pursue relationships with other men to provide excitement and sexual satisfaction. Preferably with you turning a blind eye and not creating a crisis about it.

The problem is item number 3. I suspect it is non-negotiable from her perspective, which is why you are in this mess. She sounds like a control freak who is determined to have her own way and that includes sex with OM. Doesn't leave you with many choices if you don't want to be a cuckold.

I agree with others. Living with this dominating woman is not good for you and you need to start pulling away.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, I honestly believe it is not about sex. We always had an awesome sex life--even throughout the affair. She is just totally enmeshed emotionally with him. (That is not to say that sex is an unimportant part of the relationship. I am quite sure it is incredibly important to him. And once he gets ALL of her to himself he will bail big time.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but right now I must say I am not feeling as awful as I thought I would. I feel strength. Control. Self respect.

Stay strong keep moving forward and don't look back. You move forward and if she chooses to try to catch up then she must do the work herself without you holding her hand. You keep movign forward and becoming a better person for you and your children. Put the pressure on her for a change.

NC = No New Hurts...expect the crazy train to try and make multiple stops on a frequent basis now. Just know it's coming and avoid contact with her unles absolutely necessary for kids or finances. She is going to pull out every trick she has to try to get you back in line. If you can avoid those then the anger and venom will be next. Just know it's coming and keep focusing on you and your kids and you will be fine. The more you interact with her the more chances she has to break you down.


Also even if you shatter later it's okay you are and will remain on the roller coaster for awhile but keep moving forward for you. There is no shame in crying or being upset over what you lost. You will mourn the loss of your M and that is normal as well but work through that and focus as best you can on you and your kids.

You gave her your conditions so no more looking back and no more cake eating. Yes it's scary but it gets better man it really does.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never read your threads before, but just from this one, I get chills up my spine from reading about your wife. What an evil, manipulative sounding woman.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13798 | Registered: Jul 2011
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is just totally enmeshed emotionally with him. (That is not to say that sex is an unimportant part of the relationship. I am quite sure it is incredibly important to him. And once he gets ALL of her to himself he will bail big time.
STay focused on you. This is still you focusing on her and her situation. Even if he bails and she comes running back she still will NOT have fixed her issues so she is still not safe and that is the main reason so many people have multiple DDays in their tags. The WS never fixes what is broken within them so the hurts keep coming.

If their relationshp works or implodes it's irrelevant now. The more you focus on that the longer it will take for you to heal. Remember focus on your healing and resolving your issues. Get your mind off WW and get out that list of things to do for you and your kids and get to work on making some awesome memories for you and your kids. Detachment should be a big goal. It will help with you to deal with the crazy train when it pulls in.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:51 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand, 7yrs. I was just addressing OKnow's point #3.
:-)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey AD, can you feel the power shifting? Your last described exchange w/ WW? You are managing yourself. Good for you. Doesn't it feel great to know that you no longer have to deal w/ her crazymaking behavior?

Continue to not engage her. If she wants to "talk" ask her what about, if it's anything other than the finances and kids, then defer it. This gives you oh so much more control.

When is she leaving the home, and going to her own place? You have referred to it several times, but no timeline. I would encourage you to hasten this.

Get your kids lined up for some counceling they will benefit from it, and sit them down, and say we have tried to make this work, but sometimes people just cannot do that. Nothing to put her in a bad light. They will figure out the why's on their own soon enough. Be prepared to honestly answer questions when they do ask them, and above all tell them everyday that it had absolutely nothing to do with them. Many many kids question themselves, and often think that they could save things if only....(hollywood of course contributes to this w/ movies like Mrs Doubtfire and the Parent trap).

The constant anxiety will improve when she is no longer living with you. You will be free to do what you want, how you want, when you want.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8708 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just feel this needs to be said because I feel your wife is getting completely bad mouthed. She is a sex abuse survivor. She is not vile.

She was just doing what you told her to do. She had sex with other men because as you stated she can't say no to people she loved and you asked her to do it. Also you role played sex with her as you being the same "father" figure as the man who abused her. I hope you recognize that role playing that way is very traumatizing and you should have shut it down immediately.

I don't condone cheating. I also don't condone manipulation by the people who are suppose to love us the most. Right now you are not a safe person for her.... No one is. I really hope the both of you get counseling.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 651 | Registered: Jan 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry courageous, but I have been over this before. I have accepted responsibility for initiating sex with other men. I have demonstrated and expressed to her for over two years my remorse.

And this is largely why I have stuck it out through her lies and betrayal for two years. I am deeply remorseful.

But I never "told her" to do this. She agreed enthusiastically and we agreed on the "rules." She broke them again and again, even when, sobbing, I pleaded with her to stop--that she was hurting me and our children.

I do not have a degree in the psychology of adult survivors of child sexual abuse. I never dreamed it could result in this.

However, she is 41 years old. She is not helpless in the clutches of this. Her responsibility must begin somewhere. I would say a good place to start is when you see your children and husband crying as you leave them and continue to walk away.

And I never called her "vile."

But as my mother always said,'"there is a fine line between mental illness and plain selfishness."


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
roughroadahead
♀ Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh boy. Have you looked into IC for yourself?


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 739 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
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