Come here, please.
I sit next to her.
I just want to tell you I don't like this change of events.
I say nothing.
I am not going to change my last name, she says.
Why not? I ask.
Because I still have hope for us, she says.
(She does not like this.)
She leafs through a self-help book I just purchased. Looks at the title.
Helps you with depression, anxiety, and intimacy? Intimacy? Intimacy with who? She demands.
I predict some rapidly changing reactions in the days to come: anger, bargaining, etc. Believe me, they will fall on deaf ears. But the one thing I will not hear--what I have literally NEVER heard from her mouth--is "I am sorry."
Oh, she also drew a pretty picture of our family home with our last name on the door.
Pretty pictures, pretty words.
Not nearly enough.
I probably will shatter at a later time, but right now I must say I am not feeling as awful as I thought I would. I feel strength. Control. Self respect.
I think she is in shock.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
DO NOT CAVE
Hold on and be strong ((((hugs))))
NC in your case would mean no more discussions about the state of your relationship, and certainly not you sitting by while she makes commments about your reading material and drawing pretty pictures for you. I am sorry, but that draws quite a sinister picture.
I wish you much strength and clarity.
Helps you with depression, anxiety, and intimacy? Intimacy? Intimacy with who? She demands.
Oh lord, that's rich AD! Standard WS head up their ass silliness. I'm so glad you're finally beginning to see her for what/who she really is. Keep it up bro... you're doing great!
[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 12:41 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]
I feel strength. Control. Self respect.
Super proud of you, AD. Thank you for sharing your journey with us... I hope you can feel the support we're all sending.
I predict some rapidly changing reactions in the days to come: anger, bargaining, etc. Believe me, they will fall on deaf ears.
But the one thing I will not hear--what I have literally NEVER heard from her mouth--is "I am sorry."
I've posted before in response to your threads, and have probably come across as a harsh, unfeeling harridan. So I wouldn't be at all surprised if you didn't want to take my advice. However, your recent posts in this thread remind me of why I have responded to you so strongly - because you remind me SO much of how I was when my husband started cheating. I totally, utterly identify with your searingly honest admission that you're frightened of that empty, abandoned feeling after you divorce. That was my fear too. I felt that my union with my husband was one of true soulmates... we'd shared so much together, even once had the same dream at the same time. I thought that turning my back on that relationship would probably kill me.
You ask what was the point where it became ok? I can answer that exactly. On March 19 2010, a year to the day since his 'revelation' that he was 'seeing someone else' and our 'marriage was over', and three months after he moved out. I was walking in the woods with my dogs, and the feeling of rage and horror became so overwhelming - as it had before - that I fell to the ground screaming at the top of my voice. I was in a very remote spot and knew I would not be heard. After I'd finished screaming, I got up and actually felt the love - and the fear - leave me. I KNEW that I'd never feel them again. And I haven't. And best of all, within three months I'd met, quite by chance, someone who made me forget all about the feelings I'd had for 28 YEARS with my husband. Sure, some would say too early, and while we're still close it's not a full-time, committed relationship, but I understood completely the phrase 'moving on'.
And by the way, I was 48 years old and at least 40 pounds overweight - I'm quite intelligent and attractive, but by no means a bimbo.
Everyone will tell you it's not about your next relationship, and definitely the advice would be to heal yourself for at least a year before thinking about 'dating'. However, it's pointless anyone pretending that they don't crave the comfort of having someone who's 'there' for them... there are many dark nights.
Life is rich and amazing on the other side of the pain you're in now, I can promise you that. There will be times of aching loneliness and doubt, but also revelations of excitement, passion and joy. The feeling of NOT being treated badly by someone you love is something to value.
I know you're co-dependent, the truth is so am I, and it's a shackle I'm still trying to get free of because it ruins things with other people. That's my truth, however much I try and sound like I'm made of steel now I'm free of adultery.
I massively respect and admire the courage and openness you are showing in this struggle, and wish you peace of mind and happiness.
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
I agree with a PP, this is straight up emotional abuse.
Brace yourself friend - you won't believe the bucketfuls of crazy and erratic behaviour coming your way the stronger you get.
She is a parasite who has been getting nice and fat sucking on your blood. She doesn't want to let go of such a willing host. It will take her a while to show her true face but trust me, you will see it again.
The problem is item number 3. I suspect it is non-negotiable from her perspective, which is why you are in this mess. She sounds like a control freak who is determined to have her own way and that includes sex with OM. Doesn't leave you with many choices if you don't want to be a cuckold.
I agree with others. Living with this dominating woman is not good for you and you need to start pulling away.
but right now I must say I am not feeling as awful as I thought I would. I feel strength. Control. Self respect.
NC = No New Hurts...expect the crazy train to try and make multiple stops on a frequent basis now. Just know it's coming and avoid contact with her unles absolutely necessary for kids or finances. She is going to pull out every trick she has to try to get you back in line. If you can avoid those then the anger and venom will be next. Just know it's coming and keep focusing on you and your kids and you will be fine. The more you interact with her the more chances she has to break you down.
Also even if you shatter later it's okay you are and will remain on the roller coaster for awhile but keep moving forward for you. There is no shame in crying or being upset over what you lost. You will mourn the loss of your M and that is normal as well but work through that and focus as best you can on you and your kids.
You gave her your conditions so no more looking back and no more cake eating. Yes it's scary but it gets better man it really does.
She is just totally enmeshed emotionally with him. (That is not to say that sex is an unimportant part of the relationship. I am quite sure it is incredibly important to him. And once he gets ALL of her to himself he will bail big time.
If their relationshp works or implodes it's irrelevant now. The more you focus on that the longer it will take for you to heal. Remember focus on your healing and resolving your issues. Get your mind off WW and get out that list of things to do for you and your kids and get to work on making some awesome memories for you and your kids. Detachment should be a big goal. It will help with you to deal with the crazy train when it pulls in.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:51 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]
Continue to not engage her. If she wants to "talk" ask her what about, if it's anything other than the finances and kids, then defer it. This gives you oh so much more control.
When is she leaving the home, and going to her own place? You have referred to it several times, but no timeline. I would encourage you to hasten this.
Get your kids lined up for some counceling they will benefit from it, and sit them down, and say we have tried to make this work, but sometimes people just cannot do that. Nothing to put her in a bad light. They will figure out the why's on their own soon enough. Be prepared to honestly answer questions when they do ask them, and above all tell them everyday that it had absolutely nothing to do with them. Many many kids question themselves, and often think that they could save things if only....(hollywood of course contributes to this w/ movies like Mrs Doubtfire and the Parent trap).
The constant anxiety will improve when she is no longer living with you. You will be free to do what you want, how you want, when you want.
She was just doing what you told her to do. She had sex with other men because as you stated she can't say no to people she loved and you asked her to do it. Also you role played sex with her as you being the same "father" figure as the man who abused her. I hope you recognize that role playing that way is very traumatizing and you should have shut it down immediately.
I don't condone cheating. I also don't condone manipulation by the people who are suppose to love us the most. Right now you are not a safe person for her.... No one is. I really hope the both of you get counseling.
My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.
And this is largely why I have stuck it out through her lies and betrayal for two years. I am deeply remorseful.
But I never "told her" to do this. She agreed enthusiastically and we agreed on the "rules." She broke them again and again, even when, sobbing, I pleaded with her to stop--that she was hurting me and our children.
I do not have a degree in the psychology of adult survivors of child sexual abuse. I never dreamed it could result in this.
However, she is 41 years old. She is not helpless in the clutches of this. Her responsibility must begin somewhere. I would say a good place to start is when you see your children and husband crying as you leave them and continue to walk away.
And I never called her "vile."
But as my mother always said,'"there is a fine line between mental illness and plain selfishness."