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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is it me?
lost100
♀ New Member
Member # 39128
Frustrated  Posted: 2:42 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 60 years old married 25 years I recently
found husband had been phoning an ex workmate when confronted admitted he got a 'kick out of it'he has been doing it for a long time. He is not interested in me sexually although wont say it but 10 years of little or no sex says it all. He is kind to me in other ways like you might treat your Mother. This is not the first time he has betrayed me he had an affair early in the marrige and a night out that resulted in him making a pass at a woman.He says he loves me & we can work it out that he will never ever hurt me again. Is it too late for me to leave I mean really at my age could I start again? In the past We had couple counselling and individual counselling & we cannot go back down that road. I am frightened of losing him but feel my self esteem and confidence is very low in the femininity department.I

Posts: 24 | Registered: Apr 2013
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Helpless  Posted: 2:51 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Lost

We are so sorry you have found your self here but know this is a safe place where you can be honest and open.

We are all on the infidelity crazy train together.

No judgement, just caring advice and support.

Please know this is NOT about you. It is about your husband's horrible conscience choice of choosing to go outside the marriage. Emotional or Physical - cheating is cheating.
Lack of coping and/or communication skills on his part. The choice to cheat was HIS.

May I ask why you can't go back to counseling? It may be helpful in your husband understanding WHY he feels the need to cheat. You need to get to the root of the problem

You are stronger than you think. Please take good care of yourself and starting to identify the boundaries in which you can live with.

NO CONTACT with OW would be top of the list.

Good luck. We are here for you.


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 829 | Registered: Apr 2013
meplustwo
♀ Member
Member # 39082
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im so sorry. One thing I have come to understand is that cheating has little to do with the bs and almost everything to do with the ws. While an A is a symptom of unaddressed marital issues, it is an immature, cowardly and completely inappropriate way to deal with the most important relationship you have with another person. I wish you comfort and peace during this time. Take care of yourself. You are a beautiful and worthwhile person. He doesn't deserve your love or devotion right now. Take this time to reconnect with who you are. You have likely neglected your needs in order to attend to family needs. Hugs and keep posting. This forum is filled with strong individuals who are so helpful and supportive!


Me(34) - BS
Him(35) - WH
Married: 9 years
Two Kids: 4 and 6
D-Day #1: 7/12, D-Day #2: 4/24/13
Affair: EA to PA with coworker
Status of A: Says he broke it off after I went to her house and confronted both of them

Posts: 59 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Maine
IKnowNow
♀ Member
Member # 12188
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Lost)))

His infiedelity is not your choice.

Listen to the great advice from the people posting above me here, they know. (I'm not good at advice. But I'm good at giving hugs, so here is one just for (((((you)))).


Me - BW.

A MLC is not a reason, it's an excuse! - Me.


Posts: 729 | Registered: Sep 2006
lost100
♀ New Member
Member # 39128
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much for yourkindness I am so taken touched by the kind words. I have no-one to talk about this matter and it feels good to get it all out.
Re: counselling he has said that he won't go to counselling . The area we live in is very close knit and confidentiality would be an issue so I agree also I feel I have tried everything maybe I just need to accept my life is what it is although some days I hate him other days I love him but at the back of it all I do think I am responsible for his behaviour then I get angry with myself for thinking that too. Once again Thanks very much for taking the time to respond to me.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Apr 2013
Safeguard
♀ Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I do think I am responsible for his behavior"

Hey lost, Since you have the Super Power over how others behave, would ya make my ex behave like a decent human being? :)

Ok, Just kidding. You are NOT responsible for your husbands affair... Only he ALONE, made that horrible choice. No matter what was going on in your marriage. He made CHOICE about how to deal, (and he left you out of that choice).

[This message edited by Safeguard at 7:39 PM, April 29th (Monday)]


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
LifeIsBroken
♀ Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost, it isn't you. It's your ws who apparently considers his ego-stroking more important than your feelings. You CAN start again at 60. And life without the constant drama and the constant wondering where he is, what he's doing, who he's with.... because you know you cannot trust him, is not all bad. In fact, it's liberating because you are then living with the one person whom you CAN trust to take care of you - YOU ! My own self respect is worth far more than being disrespected & dishonored by my xh. As an employer told me many years ago, "You can't lose what you don't have." Ask yourself what you have: make a list. Then make another comparison list of what you don't have that you wish you had. Compare the two. See which end is up, determine what you will NOT live with any longer, and take it from there. There is liberation or there is resignation. Your choice. Sending hugs to you.


Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 353 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
lost100
♀ New Member
Member # 39128
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once again sound advice yes writing a list of pros and cons seems like a good idea.
One other thing mens underpants- do men stain their underpants with white stain marks naturally or does this only happen after sexual arousal?.
Thanks everyone

Posts: 24 | Registered: Apr 2013
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

don't touch his skanky pants. You deserve more than this. Life IS short, but as I know to my cost, staying in a marriage hoping to find peace when someone's cheated again and again doesn't work. Life is full of possibility; open up your heart and soul to it. And let him deal with his own spunky pants (you know the answer to your own question, don't you?).


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 778 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
lost100
♀ New Member
Member # 39128
Funny  Posted: 4:23 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

crazynot you made me laugh with your response the first time in ages.

there are none so blind as those who cannot see.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Apr 2013
Nailinmyforehead
♂ Member
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 4:26 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there, finally, after 3 1/2 months out, it is finally sinking in for me that I did not cause my spouse's infidelity, and you did not cause his. I wish I would have picked up and realized this first thing, it made quite a bit make sense. In other words- you aren't the one with the problem. You're in my thoughts.


"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 124 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost

Calling bulls*it on we live in a close knit community thus he can't do counseling. Excuse not to do a deep dive on WHY he cheated.

I went to our pastor the day I found out. I wanted to know what God expected of me. My husband initially was furious. ( I didn't care ) because why would we air our dirty laundry to everyone.

Hmmm.. Really?

Perhaps he should thought of that before he chose to cheat.

Do not protect his choice to lie and deceive.

If he truly wants to R then he will do whatever it is to help you heal. He needs to get over his ego.

My h finally sought counseling from our church and IC. If he hadn't - we would not be together.

As a BS we need to heal - we can't be responsible to help WP to figure their issues out ( initially ).

Can I ask why you can't go down the counseling road?

Truth will set you free. One way or another.

Be strong.

(((Hugs)))


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 829 | Registered: Apr 2013
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS - AGREE

Do not touch his underpants - eeww

Regardless of the why it is there - make him do his own laundry.

Consequences !!!😜😜😜


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 829 | Registered: Apr 2013
lost100
♀ New Member
Member # 39128
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the moment I am getting breakfast in bed each morning & his is buying me gifts.He stays around and calls and texts me frequently. Maybe I will push to return to counselling. He has been out of the marital bed since I discovered -3 months ( no sex but I do not suppose that part bothers him judging by previous experience)although I know he wants to get back into our bed together. As for washing the 'skanky pants' it gives me an indication of his actions (they have been clean since D day). It will be the end for us if I find them otherwise ( he does not know I check).I am still so confused each day I go through many feelings including disbelief. He is grovelling but I know I need to focus on myself but it is so hard to break out of the family system/relationships into an unknown world. I feel so pathetic I thought I was a strong woman but now I am full of fear about staying or going.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Apr 2013
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your feelings of disbelief are understandable and we all have been there.

I know I just wanted my own, safe, reliable life back.

Be true to yourself - sadly through this experience we are all made so much more aware than we ever wanted to be.

Please don't feel pathetic. You didn't do this. You want your love, your life and your marriage. All very admirable.

Stay true to you, keep your guard up but keep moving. Good luck


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 829 | Registered: Apr 2013
Jada52
♀ Member
Member # 38984
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost - I am 60 and going thru the same thing. Mine hooked up with an old high school GF. I hate to tell them they are not the same 15-16 year old kids they were.

It is not your fault, however as I type that I feel it is my fault mine ventured out.

I am doing counseling on my own, got hypnotherapy yesterday to help with some positive re-inforcements. It helped yesterday but today I am a cry baby basket case. I don't want him to go, but I know he is even tho he keeps using the "we, us & our" words.

I agree, let him wash his own gunky underwear


Silly Slut, husbands are for wives - get your own man B*tch!

Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2013
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to be rude but he can get rid of his underpants and buy new ones. Don't measure your marriage on underwear

You deserve sooooo much more


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 829 | Registered: Apr 2013
Lyonesse
♀ Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not you! I don't think affairs are really about sex at all, they are about poor coping mechanisms with other areas of life, IMO.

Re: counselling he has said that he won't go to counselling . The area we live in is very close knit and confidentiality would be an issue so I agree

I agree with the above poster that if he cared about confidentiality, he wouldn't be running around. The solution is not to ask you to hide his bad behavior, the solution is to address his bad behavior. Tell him if he doesn't go to counseling with you, you will out him to everyone you meet. And you will run his spunky undies up the flagpole in the town center.

Sheesh.

ETA: My stepfather's mother (yeah, OLD - I am almost 50!) went to a retirement community in Florida and had a great social life there, including a very sweet boyfriend. So I think you can still find love and companionship, and at the very least fun and peace, at any age.

[This message edited by Lyonesse at 8:24 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1692 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Topic Posts: 18

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