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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: ok to date during separation?
meplustwo
♀ Member
Member # 39082
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not that I have any prospects, but just wanted to know if anyone had any suggestions/advice on this. My husband and I are separated, living apart. He is not ready to kick his ow to the curb and I am starting nc and 180. In the meantime, is it okay to "date?" As you all know, we take a hit to our self esteem when we get cheated on. I love sex (sorry if that's TMI) and I have a b.o.b., but it just isn't the same. Not that I want to be promiscuous, but I need to feel sexy and desired again by a man. I wouldn't start a relationship, its way too early for that, but I need some real interaction. Plus, part of the reason I think I keep breaking my nc is to have sex. It may make it easier to nc and move on if I can get my needs met...thanks in advance for any input. And I swear, I'm not a sex addict, I'm just used to having it lots
:-)


Me(34) - BS
Him(35) - WH
Married: 9 years
Two Kids: 4 and 6
D-Day #1: 7/12, D-Day #2: 4/24/13
Affair: EA to PA with coworker
Status of A: Says he broke it off after I went to her house and confronted both of them

Posts: 59 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Maine
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, you need counseling. Big time.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9814 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't if there's any chance whatsoever that you two might get back together.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6805 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Generally, when you're still so emotional, it's not a good idea. You need to take some time to heal and figure out who you are without your WH.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't if it could be used against you in any way by your WH.

Then you could know later that you did as much "right" as possible.

If you get to D and there is court and lawyers, it could be very tricky, where you could choose the high road until a time when you won't need to ask and could just enjoy.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
ugh!
♀ Member
Member # 32829
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NOT a good idea. Seriously, NO NO NO NO NO.


You got to look real hard. There's a fiery star hidden out there somewhere - Andy Bell

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jul 2011
fallingquickly
♀ Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me I am married until I get divorced. I don't believe in dating while married. But that is me. I also have no desire to be with someone who is willing to be with me at this point. Why would I want to be with someone who would date a married woman?



Divorced and beginning my new life.


2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
roughroadahead
♀ Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if morally ok, it is emotionally a bad, bad idea. As Nature_Girl said, better bet is to get a counselor, not a boyfriend.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 739 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
meplustwo
♀ Member
Member # 39082
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I reread my post and I realize it may seem a bit like I am valuing my self worth with sex and attention from my husband. That may be the case. My husband is able to use this to get what he wants from me. I certainly want to change that. I want relationships and physical relations with men (whether hubby or eventually with someone else) to be about intimacy, not a way to judge my own self worth. Thanks for the advice, as always!


Me(34) - BS
Him(35) - WH
Married: 9 years
Two Kids: 4 and 6
D-Day #1: 7/12, D-Day #2: 4/24/13
Affair: EA to PA with coworker
Status of A: Says he broke it off after I went to her house and confronted both of them

Posts: 59 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Maine
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the many reasons I'm suggesting counseling is that you've basically said you don't want a relationship, you just want someone to fuck & get you off. That is such a horrible way to treat another human being. If that's honestly how you feel, then just call a male escort & be done with it. Even FWB aren't so cold & callous as to not even want the "friends" component.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9814 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Depends on the state you live in. I say that because if you live in a fault state and you decide to date/sleep with someone then your WH may use it against you and file for D. Obviously you could do the same to him but it's easier to file on grounds of adultery if only one of you has committed adultery.

My suggestion is for you to focus on yourself, get into counseling, 180 and detach. If you want to be with other people then file for D and move on with your life. Dating will likely just complicate your life even further a well as possibly complicatign the life of a third party that didn't ask to be thrown in the middle of this.

If you really want to get back at your WH then 180 him, close the "bakery" and move on with your life. Stop letting him cake eat and live your life the way you want to live it.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1910 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
meplustwo
♀ Member
Member # 39082
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Nature_Girl. I realize that it would be using someone else (not any better than what he is doing to me). I wouldn't want to put anyone else in a position to be used and tossed aside


Me(34) - BS
Him(35) - WH
Married: 9 years
Two Kids: 4 and 6
D-Day #1: 7/12, D-Day #2: 4/24/13
Affair: EA to PA with coworker
Status of A: Says he broke it off after I went to her house and confronted both of them

Posts: 59 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Maine
LastChanceLarry
♂ Member
Member # 37322
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you on needing to feel sexy and fullfil that desire but it's important not to use sex as a tool to validate yourself.

If you're looking for permission to go out and pick up guys you best look somewhere else, no one here will tell you that's a good idea. Not only are there so many ways it could backfire on your relationship/end of relationship with WH but it takes away from the potential time you have right now to work on you.

It's normal to have these feelings, to feel like you need that connection with another, however there are other, more important things to take care of first. Instead of wasting time and energy trying to fill the void WH left behind you should instead focus on why you feel the need to have sex.

Why do you keep going back to WH?
Why are you so interested in dating?
Why is sex so important for you?
Why are you uncomfortable with spending time with yourself?

Think of it this way, broken WH checked out of the M and filled that void with OW. Are you seriously considering doing the same? You're better than that. Stronger than that.

Don't get me wrong, i love sex too. LOVE IT. It's been over 8 months since i've gotten more than a kiss from WXGF (or anyone for that matter) and yeah, taking care of things myself have gotten super boring. But you know what? I'm doing OK and i'm working on myself right now. Sure i'd love to jump right back into a relationship or at least get some physical attention but i realize that this is part of the healing process.

Be good to yourself. Set some boundaries. You can buy yourself some sexy new undies or treat yourself to a massage if you really need to be touched, lots of folks swear by this. If BOB 'aint cutting it, upgrade! Maybe take some of that sexual energy and put it towards something else like dance class or painting or hiking. Above all else, NC WITH WH! NC = no new hurts.

Things will start to clear up in time, just keep the focus on you. IC is a great tool if you haven't started already, 10 out of 10 SIers recommend!

Keep us posted, we're all here for you.

ETA: Also, slight 2x4 here.. Wonder why WH hasn't really "chosen"? You keep giving it up to him. Not only does he get to bang OW whenever he wants but you keep coming back for more and that really doesn't send the message "you better stop sleeping around or i'll leave for good!" Separating has done nothing but give him the freedom to chase tail more freely. Close the bakery. 180. NC.

~Larry

[This message edited by LastChanceLarry at 3:38 PM, April 29th (Monday)]


D-Day: 8/27/12
Me: BBF (29)
WXGF: Confused26 (27) EA/PA with xBF, lasted almost a year. TT, blameshifting, gaslighting, & broken NC for 10 months.
DS: 3
Together 5 years

Ding dong, the bitch is gone! Settling into the life of a single dad.


Posts: 317 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: New England
CharlieFoxtrot
♀ Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've already gotten some great words of wisdom, so I will try not to repeat them, just second the *no*.

Sex is so much more than actions and getting off. Take a lot of time, work on you, bc your wholeness and completeness only comes from your healing.


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with NG on this.

I've got a really strong sex drive and I've been warming a seat on the bus for longer than I care to think about...but to me, I can't let that drive overpower what sex really means to me: emotional intimacy and commitment.

Uh...so I run.
I run a lot of miles.
I run a lot of miles very fast.
It helps me not to go insane.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4683 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do you keep going back to WH?
Why are you so interested in dating?
Why is sex so important for you?
Why are you uncomfortable with spending time with yourself?

This. ^^^

Some divorces (like mine) drag on for years, and at some point it doesn't matter anymore if you date or not. My A told me I am free to date. But what's more important are the REASONS why you want to date. They don't seem healthy or (ahem) very ethical.

You're probably in the middle of the most difficult, stressful, distressing time of your life. And your posts seem to reflect great distress. Please don't make things worse for yourself by sleeping around!!!

Things WILL get better - hang in there, and get yourself as much emotional support as possible. If you get the support and do the hard work necessary to heal from this, better times (and hopefully love and light) will follow.

Or so my IRL divorced friends tell me!!!


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to feel sexy and desired again by a man.

Sorry, but I don't buy this. You need food. You need water. You need shelter. That's what you need. You want (and most of us do) connections with people, love, sex, etc. Those are things that are really great. But to feel that you NEED something that you can't provide for yourself says to me that perhaps you ought to examine why you NEED that.

I totally get where you're coming from. It's been almost 10 months for me and I'm not going to lie, it has been difficult at times. I would really like to have sex but I would rather that be with a person who I really care about and who hopefully really cares about me. My first sexual experience was pretty casual and it was really empty and unfulfilling, especially compared to what I had (or thought I had at least) with XWW.

Hang in there! I'm sure you are wonderful and desirable but if you're always looking for someone else to validate that, you'll never be completely satisfied.


Posts: 1727 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 'no' bit isn't the 'separated but not yet divorced' thing for me, but the 'I still have feelings for my husband' thing. My not-divorced-yetness is a technicality, my WH is absolutely besotted with OW and I got over him three years ago. So I consider myself absolutely free to date. But you seem to have some feelings still for your WH, and also to be sleeping with him... I hadn't had sex with mine for ten years ( ). Getting involved with someone else on any level when you have feelings for another is a no-no.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 872 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Heal&Deal
♀ Member
Member # 30910
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you want to feel sexy, hit the lingerie store, buy some pretty new clothes, get to the gym, have you hair cut and styled, etc, etc, etc. There are lots of ways to work on your self esteem regarding your physical attractiveness that do not involve sex.

Additionally, physical touch has different levels of importance to different people. How about getting a massage?

And...it is just not nice to use people. And...it is not safe for your body to have sex with multiple or un-vetted partners.


Posts: 917 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: USA
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I wrote before, but after reading some more, it occurs to me that I wonder if sex is an outlet for you?

STBXH is this way and it "allows" him to ignore boundaries...like marriage...

So I worry for you because you seem very focused on this.

I don't know if I'm old fashioned or not, but I also noticed that in your post's topic it said "date", but for me, getting to the sex part is more involved than just "dating", but I know these terms and ideas are different for everybody.

If you wrote "companionship" or something, I could really relate to that.

I hope things work out the way you want.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 20

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