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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Perv taking "Pity Me, Poor Me" Route
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any advice would be welcome as I head to court/mediation with Perv.

I think his NPD is really haywire. I was wishing there was a pill for it like a thyroid, where they could raise or lower it as needed. (Lol)

Anyway, if he speaks of M or "problems" at all, it's the "Pity Me, Poor Me" attitude and everything about him. It's like he was married to himself! Sorry, I feel sarcastic sometimes.

So I'm writing again to ask if anyone has advice for this aspect of things? My L knows everything I could think of and I tried to not be emotional, so I think I'm covered there.

And I tend to ignore it and am of the opinion that no matter how bad he feels for himself, he cheated. He will forever be the victim and has even claimed his hurt to be more than ours!!!

But besides OW, he did "other things", as my many posts have complained of. I understand that it's part of the justification side of things and probably the fog, I just wonder how best or easiest to get it to pass by.

He will accept responsiblity for nothing and does not respond when I tell it like it is. It's one of the problems between us, as my Rug Sweeping thread mentioned. He cannot stand to be told he did any little thing wrong and with all of this and core being things, he's truly in denial.

Thank you.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2204 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The pity thing is real trigger for me and hard to make myself ignore.

I ask myself, how is it possible that he can know what he's done for so long but try to be a victim and make it my fault?


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2204 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ignore it. Just ignore it. Your lawyer knows the truth. As I've gone through this process I've discovered that most people see right through him. Some he can con, sure, but most people are able to discern that STBX is full of bullshit. And once they meet me or spend a minute talking to me, they totally get that he's full of shit and is only ever a liar.

So ignore it. If your lawyer is halfway competent he'll be able to disprove any lies in court. In front of the judge. Where it counts.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9536 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These stupid WS are all victims. It makes me crazy. My stupid STBXH told me last night that I never supported him in anything and that was why he left me. Really? Really? I stayed at home and raised his two children, did all the housework, his laundry, dealt with all home repairs, cooked his meals while he traveled away from home about 75% of the time. I reminded him that he never could have had the career he has without my support. I did it all as I have no family around to help at all.

Oh and he said that OW would be supportive of him because "she's special". I'm not joking, those are the words he used.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 879 | Registered: Mar 2013
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's like you were describing my STBX. Every word of it! If only I had devoted myself to him even more than I did, he wouldn't have had to cheat on me. But that's just this months excuse. Before it was my anger that made him do it. He somehow twisted his version of reality enough to convince himself that my anger that was caused *BY* the affair also CAUSED the affair. I guess my anger was so strong that it traveled through space and time to cause him to cheat before the anger existed! Wooo, that's some serious mental gymnastics there.

Why can't these people at least be original?!

Anyone with a working brain and no personal ties to the lying cheater tends to be able to see that they are full of crap and making excuses. They are most successful at fooling themselves.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohmygosh, Housefull! Your anger traveled through time & space? Do you know what that means?

Do you?

It means you're The Doctor!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9536 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If only I had devoted myself to him even more than I did, he wouldn't have had to cheat on me. But that's just this months excuse. Before it was my anger that made him do it. He somehow twisted his version of reality enough to convince himself that my anger that was caused *BY* the affair also CAUSED the affair. I guess my anger was so strong that it traveled through space and time to cause him to cheat before the anger existed!

Oh my god, thank you for posting this tonight. THIS ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ is what I'm dealing with right now. And he's brought it all the way to court.

In my case, my "meanness" caused by STBX's sex addiction apparently caused the original sex addiction.

Thank you again for expressing this so well.

Also, Ashland, a CSAT told me that every single SA he's had as a patient (maybe thousands? certainly hundreds anyhow) ALL blame their wives. One apparently told him that if his wife "went to more parties and was more sociable" he wouldn't be a SA.

SA and NPD. WORST combo ever.


Posts: 1667 | Registered: Oct 2011
wonderpets
♂ Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 2:59 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't get by this, it would be just a waste of time to try. They won't be sorry until they suffer consequences.

When my XWW started the pity party, I told her "I know you are upset, I just want you to know that I do not care at all. "


Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2012
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, everybody.

It's really, really annoying to hear when he does it, because he's the one who caused pain, it wasn't done to him!!!!!! And the anger comes full force because he knew he was making those horrible choices but did it anyway. So now wants pity?

He is extreme NPD and he is SA and he is PA and his resentments he never discussed when they first bugged him are also coming out and he's trying (I think?) to find a way to peg this on me.

He hates psychology and self-inflection so I suppose the easiest way out for him is to push it on me? He worked really, really hard at false counseling to make me look and feel incompetent and like an emotional disaster.

Luckily, I continued after he quit and worked like a dog to prove myself, but soon questioned the counselor when she was so unsupportive of me. Once I learned he was feeding her crap, I stopped going. She would stand over my chair and yell at me while I cried and point in my face...that was the last time I went.

He will not own up to what he said to her, but she didn't get it out of a bag of candy or air, did she?

I am a little worried he will use that angle in court and I read a few websites where a person who abandons their family may try this tactic to make it seem like they tried everything they could...but what's the obvious point in the long run, even as I sit here sane as can be, is that he cheated.

Unfortunately, he hasn't had many consequences to suffer and if he does, he blames others, mainly, me. His siblings bail him out and take him in and the praise for OW is stunning, who knew he was married after confession, but keeps him anyway.

I am trying so hard to push myself to realize what his true colors are, but I think now that D is truly coming, I am having small periods of extra worry for what he will drum up to say about me.

Thank you for your insights and points of view. He did try to blame me for the A and for the loss of two jobs and some other stuff, things that I wasn't even present for!


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2204 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 9

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